in my life.
i never use this thing anymore, but i needed a place to vent.
as of lately i've been going back in time and going down hill all at once. my world is crashing down on me and it is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. my mom got news that her cancer has come back. this time it's in her liver, and possibly in her bones. this has torn our family apart. she's going back on chemo for a second time and it kills us to watch her again. her veins/arms are all bruised and swollen from the needles, she's tired constantly and it's just so depressing. my dad is pretty much on anti-depressants and he is just mr. negative all the time. so if her chemo doesn't work within 6 weeks they're taking her off of it, and well... it wont look good from there. so the thought of that scares the hell out of me. what will i do without my mom? i just don't know what to do. for the first few days, i was miss positive. i had a good outlook on things, and i still do but i am so depressed and miserable. i'm more just depressed over life. what is life? what the hell ARE we living for? when am i going to get my break in life? when is my family going to get a break? i had all these great plans for the future. chris and i were planning on moving to montreal, starting a family, blah blah blah. now what? we're talking about staying in paris and getting an apartment because of what's been going on. i just don't know if i can stay in paris, but i feel like i have to. i'm just not moving forward in life and it's the worst feeling ever. i'm working back at the spruce goose. it was my first job, and i'm back there doing dishes again. i am 22 years old and i have not LIVED yet. like REALLY lived. i feel like i will never really get to live. i just wanted to do something risky and exciting. now i feel like i'll be working at the spruce goose and living in paris for the rest of my life.
life just doesn't work out the way you want sometimes. that's what it comes down too. you can plan the rest of your life, but it will not work out that way. you can think of a million goals, but really, there's no reason to do that. maybe that's why most people live day by day. you never know what will happen.
so when will that day come, where something GREAT happens, and changes my life forever. instead of something horrible?
i wouldn't be able to go through this time without chris. that boy has been my prince charming the past few days. i wouldn't know what to do without him. i've been pretty moody the past two days with him, but it's mostly just because i'm so depressed. i feel bad though, he doesn't deserve it.
even with chris, and how great he's been, i'm longing for a few friends right now. i got no one really. no one i can call up and say "hey, lets hang out, i need out of my house". the first time i had to go through all of this, i had a huge group of friends and it helped so much. i wish i still had them or anyone right now. in times like these, you realize you need friends.
sometimes i just don't know if i have the will power to go on. to be strong, to think positive.
this was supposed to be the best summer, to make up for last summer. that wont be happening now.
as of lately i've been going back in time and going down hill all at once. my world is crashing down on me and it is the hardest thing i've ever had to deal with. my mom got news that her cancer has come back. this time it's in her liver, and possibly in her bones. this has torn our family apart. she's going back on chemo for a second time and it kills us to watch her again. her veins/arms are all bruised and swollen from the needles, she's tired constantly and it's just so depressing. my dad is pretty much on anti-depressants and he is just mr. negative all the time. so if her chemo doesn't work within 6 weeks they're taking her off of it, and well... it wont look good from there. so the thought of that scares the hell out of me. what will i do without my mom? i just don't know what to do. for the first few days, i was miss positive. i had a good outlook on things, and i still do but i am so depressed and miserable. i'm more just depressed over life. what is life? what the hell ARE we living for? when am i going to get my break in life? when is my family going to get a break? i had all these great plans for the future. chris and i were planning on moving to montreal, starting a family, blah blah blah. now what? we're talking about staying in paris and getting an apartment because of what's been going on. i just don't know if i can stay in paris, but i feel like i have to. i'm just not moving forward in life and it's the worst feeling ever. i'm working back at the spruce goose. it was my first job, and i'm back there doing dishes again. i am 22 years old and i have not LIVED yet. like REALLY lived. i feel like i will never really get to live. i just wanted to do something risky and exciting. now i feel like i'll be working at the spruce goose and living in paris for the rest of my life.
life just doesn't work out the way you want sometimes. that's what it comes down too. you can plan the rest of your life, but it will not work out that way. you can think of a million goals, but really, there's no reason to do that. maybe that's why most people live day by day. you never know what will happen.
so when will that day come, where something GREAT happens, and changes my life forever. instead of something horrible?
i wouldn't be able to go through this time without chris. that boy has been my prince charming the past few days. i wouldn't know what to do without him. i've been pretty moody the past two days with him, but it's mostly just because i'm so depressed. i feel bad though, he doesn't deserve it.
even with chris, and how great he's been, i'm longing for a few friends right now. i got no one really. no one i can call up and say "hey, lets hang out, i need out of my house". the first time i had to go through all of this, i had a huge group of friends and it helped so much. i wish i still had them or anyone right now. in times like these, you realize you need friends.
sometimes i just don't know if i have the will power to go on. to be strong, to think positive.
this was supposed to be the best summer, to make up for last summer. that wont be happening now.