"You're hair is...everywhere..screaming in..wait, fuck, no, this doesn't work.
I don't respect it or like it, but I understand why emo "musicians" write their shit. Relationships blow. They kickass for a while and while your finally happy it'll come crashing down. Now, I don't want to bring people down, I just feel that its my LIVEjournal and that I never get a chance to LIVE. Ok, bad pun. Basically I'm just gonna write about shit. That's what Paia and Sarah said to do, even if it's by the lamest way possible (like livejournal!.) Basically, I feel dumb or trite everytime I talk about this. Oh well. I'm not going to apologize anymore for...feeling the way I do. I'm just basically, saddened. And they (Paia and Sarah) told me that it's ok for me to cry, that I shouldn't feel dumb. They told me its ok to let people know that I'm not alright. But then I feel lame, crying and all. I feel like 'Wow, people have been in worse relationships, longer relationships, and relationships that ended on a lot worse terms' and I'm acting like mine was worth a shit. Well, I guess because it was my first for a lot of things. I've had relationships and all that, but none that I actually cared that much about. I'd never had anyone actually treat me that good, or seem to feel the same way back. I asked Shannon why I was feeling so down and shit about it and she said that "It was because he made you happy. When I saw you with him, you never stopped smiling." And now, I can't think about him with anyone else. That is what scares me the most. Wow, I can imagine him reading this now:
"Whoa, psycho obsessive ex-girlfriend. Chill the fuck out."
But eh, I'm not so I don't really care. It's not like I can't function. I function fine. I'm not as happy as I characteristically am, but I'm ok. I know that I'll get over it. But still, that's not right now. I'm worried about right now. It's just weird how I can care about someone so much and have them seem to not feel the same way back, how someone can be a shitload to you, but nothing to them.
Is it wrong that I keep hoping that we'll get back together? I hope not, because I do. Every time I cry, I think that maybe I don't need to because it will all happen again and I'll be happy again. Well, I'm far too chicken shit to tell all this to the one person directly, instead I on one hand hope he sees it, so he knows how I feel, but on the other hand I hope he doesn't see it because...how embarrasing? Oh well, I'll probably end up posting a myspace bulletin about it. Wow, watch out, I'm scene.
So, in the end, good luck with everything. Good luck with sobriety.