wow its been a long...

[_jmzh]

life feels different now. im back in my house and things are going well. thats a first. i called you and said im sorry. i said that i missed you, and that took a lot. senior year is not even half way through and ive allready lost so many friends. ok so there still there and yes i guess i still talk to them... but i dont have the same relationships with people that i used to. i miss that. but i dont at the same time. im doing things on my own now. im a lot more focused on wrestling too. so far im undefeated and ive allready brought home three gold medals from preseason tournaments. im excited about state. i really wanna win. ive put so much into this sport and it all comes down to this year. nothing else matters. after the season, who knows what im going to be doing. im not ready for college at all. i know that for sure. i dont have a clue what i wanna do with my life. i get really lost when i start thinking about my future. i know i wanna be with you though. you have been there for me in some of my worst times... i miss matt. i miss him soo much. its funny. sometimes ill have these dreams where i see him and i hug him and we hang out like nothing was ever wrong and towards the end of the dream i realise that i cant have that with him. i wake up. hes not there and he wont be for a long time. that pisses me off so much because he doesnt deserve this shit at all. i wanna just run away sometimes. leave all of this shit behind. you cant give up though. i keep telling myself that... you just cant. the marine corps seems like the answer. i think ill find myself in there. i know its gonna be pure hell, but its an honor and an option that im willing to take. im smart. i excell wheni want to. but i fucked around all through highschool trying to make the best of my time here and focusing purely on my social life, now my grades suck ass. i have a horable gpa. it reflects my effort level quite nicely. its all just another reason why enlisting is the best answer, plus if i play my cards right they will pay or my college education and i will be an officer. i will be making great money and i will have the experience under my belt to do what ever the fuck i want in this life. thats what appeals to me the most, because i really do have a lot of dreams. theres so much i wanna do but so little time. theres only one ride on this merry go round of life and you better enjoy it while it lasts.

its been a while sinse i last typed up something like this... but it feels good to just read my thoughts. i do know one thing though... the last four years has been the wildest ride of my life and i wouldnt trade these memories for anything. i love all the people i know. and most of the people i dont know, they just add to the story of my highschool life. if i could go back and do it all in a different way i wouldnt because ive made it this far and i wanna keep going. im ready to go. i dont really know what all the drama is thats been going on lately either, i kind of stopped keeping up with that shit in the beginning of last year. its all too stressful. i wish i had the oppurtunity to get to know more of the people i dont know but its all good. it would just be nice to say that i knew every single person in my graduating class. good night all.

They love me like I was a brother
They protect me, listen to me
They dug me my very own garden
Gave me sunshine, made me happy

Nice dream

I call up my friend, the good angel
But she's out with her ansaphone
She says she would love to come help but
The sea would electrocute us all

Nice dream

If you think that you're strong enough
If you think you belong enough
If you think that you're strong enough
If you think you belong enough

Nice dream