(no subject)
I decided to make a long rambling post. Because the world needs more of those. Our mind is cluttered with silent thoughts that poison our souls, the noise unspoken is louder than the thoughts of the world. I make no sense. But then again, what is sense? How are we so sure that every little occurrence of our lives, all of our little rituals, are not looked upon with insanity? How do you know that everyone does not hate you? There is always that one person that when they walk away all conversation turns to the absurdity of their presence, and then all of their odd actions are mocked. There is no way to know. We just have to be ourselves, I guess. I wish I could read people's minds. Just for a moment, to know what people really think. To know how people react to me. For once in my life to know the full truth. You cannot lie to yourself. I know you try to all of the time, I know that I do. We think something and then instantly try to repress it. Bad move. Once something passes over the brain it cannot be ignored. And significance is brought to it the instant you try to repress it, much like time goes by slower when you stare at a clock. Time is inevitable. Time freaks me out more than anything. It is a constant. It is nice to have something stable, but then again it is never satisfactory. Some moments are perfect, and you want to extend them beyond their natural duration. Others are dreaded, and once they start you wish for them to be over. We all try to value every minute, but don't kid yourself. Some lectures are so boring you count down the seconds until they will end. Those moments counting are wasted. But it all comes back to you, because in those wasted moments you are recollecting old moments, thereby extending their life, breaking even. Life is a system of checks and balances. Sometimes we don't manage the checks properly. Our gut instinct tell us not to do it. "DO NOT go there Jessica". "Stay away from them, Jessica." "Just stay home tonight." Replace your name with mine and I'm sure those commands hold value to you as well. We always ignore our conscience. We don't like to even acknowledge it. But much like those repressed thoughts, we feel worse when we ignore the advice that we give to ourselves. If we at least consider what we subconsciously tell ourselves then we are not to blame later. We tried taking the smart way out, but it was just not going to happen. No shame there. Some people have no shame. And that bothers me. However, I find it more disturbing when people have too much shame. If you spend all of your life thinking about what you did wrong, you have no way to get out there and live, to make a better name for yourself, to bring the prestige back to your reputation. If you do something wrong, get over it!!! Sitting in the dark watching the blood drip from your veins does nothing. Sorry if cutters really get you off, but please, you aren't making anything better. If you want to punish your family, cut them! There is no point in cutting yourself, especially if you don't even tell anyone. I take a very Gandhi approach to life and am in no way endorsing violence. Maybe just asking for it to switch directions, as a point of sheer satire. If you cut yourself to punish yourself, get a life! I think it beings more grief to your soul to labor for hours for a volunteer organization than to make a few strokes of the blade. The first results in perhaps a better life for Ethiopian children, who will be able to reach out to those in their community later in life thus proving the chaos theory true that your malintented good deeds changed the world, in a sense at least. The latter, well it results in blood loss, blood that could have been sold to a blood bank for a few dollars, if not for the cookies alone, especially if you were blessed with one of the special blood types. I guess I'm saying- make yourself useful. I don't care who you're useful to. If you want to spend your time slaving in order to clothe yourself in Italy's finest, be my guest. If you want to slave to buy a colony of wild boars water for a week, go ahead. Stop wasting your life. Stop wasting time. Do not be afraid of time. If we sit in a corner planning out every minute of our lives, we are wasting time right there. Let things fall into place. Listen to your heart, listen to yourself. You know what you need to do. And listen to the real part of you, don't suppress those thoughts. Let them come. You will be surprised. I told you this was going to be complete meaningless rambling. If you have read thus far, then congrats, you are as bored as me! I highly doubt that anyone will read this whole thing. Surprise me