not anymore
i'm not sad anymore. i'm not distressed, and i'm not crying. i'm numb. i'm numb to the fact that i'm leaving in a week-ish, i'm numb to the fact that i'm still alone, i'm numb to the fact that i don't deserve what you offered. i had a very good evening, just hanging out. i feel a little ill, but i can deal with that. but right now, i wish i didn't feel this lonely.
i'm so cold, yet i'm not. i'm freezing, and i'm sweating. i'm suffocating, i'm crying, but my lungs are full and my eyes are dry. i've moved past it all, and yet, my heart is stuck in the pit.
i'm not sad, i'm just lonely. and that's what makes me feel like doing this. i have the greatest friends in a few of you, and i have had so much fun with others. i'm just not strong enough to stand up to this lonliness. it's eaten away at me for three years, and it's finally won. i'm sorry. i know i'm disapointing you, but i can't do it. i can't be this lonely. even when i'm with someone, when my friends are with me, when friends reach out to me, i can't do it. this alone, empty, cold feeling is enough to kill me on its own.
i love you all. good night, good bye, and i love you. ~JESS~