Yes, Incase you were wondering, I AM alive.
It seems as though Wendy and I were hiding under similar rocks. God, I have been through it like crazy since I came home from my visit home. Wonderful time seeing my family, Jc, and of course MY GIRLS! We had the best time in Couchies hotel room, as we usually do.
Didn't have fun that Monday night waiting like 3 hours was it? For Wendy's plane home from Florida to arrive. Delayed like all hell. Then, Tueday I got a killler migraine and couldn't hang out with Kirsten or Wen like I wanted. I have been gettimg them more and more latley. I hate it. I throw up and everything. Sucks.
So, yeah...after I got back here I went to shit fast. I am so sorry that I didn't return calls that I wanted to, or emails...SO SORRY! I owe congrats to Kirsten, I am so happy for you to have had a dream come true! Jealous too...Thanks for all the birthday wishes. Thanks for all the concern. Ya'll are the best. Funny thing is, it wasn't Luke that made me miserable, which I am sure everyone thought. He has actually been pretty great latley, specially considering the mental case I have been.
We all know of all my disorders by now, I am sure. Well, I get HORRIBLE seasonal depression. The worst time of my life is when spring is ending and summer begins. I have no fucking clue WHY!?! It just happens and I can't keep any kind of control over myself. Once I get insurance, I hope I can get more meds to take when that happens. But, for now, I have to deal with it. So, I spent about a month crying and feeling like hell. Hated everything about life and anything else I could think of. Watching tv made me cry...hell, if I ran out of milk I would cry. I hate it so much. It was a hard time. Then, during that whole thing, I get a phone call and find out that one of my old friends from middle school's little brother killed himself. She wanted to tell me herself and not have me hear about it somewhere else. He was bipolar as well and overdosed. It hit me so hard. I was very close to them and the family growing up. After highschool, we went our ways and kept in touch when we could...but, everytime I talk to her its like no time past. Anyway, her mother was one of the most important people to me, when I needed someone the most. Growing up was hard for me, we didn't know I was bipolar then, and my mom and I were always at each others throats. Well, her mom was the one that was there when I couldn't be at home. In the beginning of our Sophmore year, I was spending the night at her dad's house with her, when we got a call. Her mom, who had checked herself in to the hospital because she was suicidal (she was bipolar) and didn't want to hurt herself deep down. She was supposed to be on 24 hour watch but somehow managed to kill herself in the hospital. Actually, she was brain dead, but in a coma. I was fucking devistated. I will never forget it. So, the poor family had so many issues to begin with, they lost their mom, and now little Kevan (though he was gonna be 22) killed himself too. Well, that threw me all kinds of nuts. I started getting so upset and feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I get so scared when I see what I am capable of come out in other people, and I wish no one ever has to feel the way I do. It makes me freak out to know that what I have can go that far. I don't want that for anyone.
Well, I couldn't get on lj for some reason for like 3 weeks. I don't know why, but it wouldn't let me in. So, one night I am crying and frustrated and come down the basement and try to find something to entertain my mind, cause I was literallt going crazy because I couldn't sleep. There was when I finally got into lj and found out all about couch's issues. I felt so bad. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. I swear it takes time, mabye a couple months, but you get better. Maybe not perfect, but better. It feels like you have split personalities, you know? There is the real you , that you know and love, who is fun loving and energetic....and there is this pile of shit of you that is neurotic and miserable. I am sorry that I am babbling so much, but I havent reallly thought clearly for a while, and I want this off my chest. Well, I signed on my Ims that night, cause I really needed to talk to someone, and it was very late, so I didn't want to call...and thank god, Robi was on. She was really there for me that night. She made me feel so much better.
So, since then I am trying to be that me that I like, and well, I hope you like too. I love that I am a big dork and goofy. I love to laugh. when my friends are around, I don't need alcohol to appear drunk. We make that giddyness naturally. (thoughMalibudoesn'thurt)
I am trying to be upbeat and not sleep all day and what not. And, I have been job hunting. I am so sick of not working. I don't mind the housewife thing I have been doing, but there isn't enough to do! I love the time that Luke's daughter is here. That goes too fast though. So, I guess if I had a fulltime kid around that I wouldn't be so bored. Who knows. But, she is great. I love the little shit.
Ok, so I think I got all that I wanted off my chest. Thanks everyone who is putting up all the CFTC stuff (another thing that has depressed me, I wanted to be there SO BAD)....Till next time....Smooches.
Didn't have fun that Monday night waiting like 3 hours was it? For Wendy's plane home from Florida to arrive. Delayed like all hell. Then, Tueday I got a killler migraine and couldn't hang out with Kirsten or Wen like I wanted. I have been gettimg them more and more latley. I hate it. I throw up and everything. Sucks.
So, yeah...after I got back here I went to shit fast. I am so sorry that I didn't return calls that I wanted to, or emails...SO SORRY! I owe congrats to Kirsten, I am so happy for you to have had a dream come true! Jealous too...Thanks for all the birthday wishes. Thanks for all the concern. Ya'll are the best. Funny thing is, it wasn't Luke that made me miserable, which I am sure everyone thought. He has actually been pretty great latley, specially considering the mental case I have been.
We all know of all my disorders by now, I am sure. Well, I get HORRIBLE seasonal depression. The worst time of my life is when spring is ending and summer begins. I have no fucking clue WHY!?! It just happens and I can't keep any kind of control over myself. Once I get insurance, I hope I can get more meds to take when that happens. But, for now, I have to deal with it. So, I spent about a month crying and feeling like hell. Hated everything about life and anything else I could think of. Watching tv made me cry...hell, if I ran out of milk I would cry. I hate it so much. It was a hard time. Then, during that whole thing, I get a phone call and find out that one of my old friends from middle school's little brother killed himself. She wanted to tell me herself and not have me hear about it somewhere else. He was bipolar as well and overdosed. It hit me so hard. I was very close to them and the family growing up. After highschool, we went our ways and kept in touch when we could...but, everytime I talk to her its like no time past. Anyway, her mother was one of the most important people to me, when I needed someone the most. Growing up was hard for me, we didn't know I was bipolar then, and my mom and I were always at each others throats. Well, her mom was the one that was there when I couldn't be at home. In the beginning of our Sophmore year, I was spending the night at her dad's house with her, when we got a call. Her mom, who had checked herself in to the hospital because she was suicidal (she was bipolar) and didn't want to hurt herself deep down. She was supposed to be on 24 hour watch but somehow managed to kill herself in the hospital. Actually, she was brain dead, but in a coma. I was fucking devistated. I will never forget it. So, the poor family had so many issues to begin with, they lost their mom, and now little Kevan (though he was gonna be 22) killed himself too. Well, that threw me all kinds of nuts. I started getting so upset and feeling sorry for myself. Sometimes I get so scared when I see what I am capable of come out in other people, and I wish no one ever has to feel the way I do. It makes me freak out to know that what I have can go that far. I don't want that for anyone.
Well, I couldn't get on lj for some reason for like 3 weeks. I don't know why, but it wouldn't let me in. So, one night I am crying and frustrated and come down the basement and try to find something to entertain my mind, cause I was literallt going crazy because I couldn't sleep. There was when I finally got into lj and found out all about couch's issues. I felt so bad. I am so sorry you have to go through all of this. I swear it takes time, mabye a couple months, but you get better. Maybe not perfect, but better. It feels like you have split personalities, you know? There is the real you , that you know and love, who is fun loving and energetic....and there is this pile of shit of you that is neurotic and miserable. I am sorry that I am babbling so much, but I havent reallly thought clearly for a while, and I want this off my chest. Well, I signed on my Ims that night, cause I really needed to talk to someone, and it was very late, so I didn't want to call...and thank god, Robi was on. She was really there for me that night. She made me feel so much better.
So, since then I am trying to be that me that I like, and well, I hope you like too. I love that I am a big dork and goofy. I love to laugh. when my friends are around, I don't need alcohol to appear drunk. We make that giddyness naturally. (thoughMalibudoesn'thurt)
I am trying to be upbeat and not sleep all day and what not. And, I have been job hunting. I am so sick of not working. I don't mind the housewife thing I have been doing, but there isn't enough to do! I love the time that Luke's daughter is here. That goes too fast though. So, I guess if I had a fulltime kid around that I wouldn't be so bored. Who knows. But, she is great. I love the little shit.
Ok, so I think I got all that I wanted off my chest. Thanks everyone who is putting up all the CFTC stuff (another thing that has depressed me, I wanted to be there SO BAD)....Till next time....Smooches.