(no subject)
So I have been here for 6 weeks.
I will try to give some insight into different aspects of my life…
1. My sleeping has fallen off track.
I suppose it happened about a week ago when I started feeling homesick. So I would stay online late into the night to chat with people back home. I had a Buffy marathon and when I tried to sleep I would worry about my Opa. It is hard to think a lot of change is going to occur while I am living abroad. Good and bad, with friends and family, and I will not be there to experience it with them. To offer encouragment or support. I also started getting anxious thinking about my personal battles. It is easy for me to fall into depression. To focus on negative and feel weak. When I felt alone it would discourage me. I wondered if I would ever be able to be happy. If I could take on living here. If I could live in the moment rather than creating drama and immobilizing myself. I am doing a good job though… of recognizing patterns in my thought process. I am able to tell myself what is real and what is not. I am able to let things be as they are… simple. To face each day, two feet on the ground and know that I am a strong woman who will accomplish anything I see through.
And goal number one is to correct my nocturnal habits.
2. My home is becoming home. I am more comfortable now with the situation. At first I found it hard to living alone, as I have lived with a family of four my whole life and the first several weeks I was here I was living in one bedroom with five other ladies. It was a lot easier to get into the daily chores, (cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, ect) than I thought it would be. Perhaps because I know no one else is here to do it for me. Growing up really terrifies me. Like really, really terrifies me. I find it hard to accept the natural cycles of relationships and life. I hate the thought that I am going to lose and have lost a lot of friends. Part of me is so afraid of never being able to find balance. That I will be stuck in one of the two extremes I envision myself. That there is no way to take from both to create one life. I want to get a degree, become an art therapist, own a house, be a wife and a mother. Another part of me wants to travel the world, make art, music, write, go to shows, be totally independent and accomplished. I am starting to realize I can do both and that I shouldn’t stress about planning so much. In my head I have this timeline for when I want everything to fall into place. I am going to let go of that and concentrate on each day. For what it is. A day. Sure, I still have my goals but I wont reach them if I keep worrying about how and when and what if things don’t come together.
They will come together with the steps I take each day.
Anyways my house is very cute. Quite spacious for one person. I think my favorite parts are the big bath tub, my big bed and the internet. Though it doesn’t really help the whole, “I’m gonna kick my internet addiction thing”.
I have some mice living in the kitchen. I set traps and actually cried while doing so as they are cute little bastards and I don’t want to kill them... but I guess I have to since they like to eat my food and create a mess. Sneaky little things ate all the peanut butter off the traps with out it going off.
I live in Upton Park, which is in East London. A residencial area with lots of kids with fire works, foxes roaming the street and people peeing on the street. I also have an insane neighbour who likes to go through my trash and try to get into my house. There is evidence the house may be haunted. I have also befriended the wolf spiders that live on the book case.
3.I am unemployed at the moment. Still living off my last pay cheque, which is down to nothing because my phone broke and I had to buy a new one and I needed to put more time on my phone, buy bus passes and food. So I haven't been going out and living it up as much as I would like to or plan on. I have an interview on Thursday and I am quite confident I will get the job as I met the manager through a friend at a pub while he was DJ-ing. He told stories of past acid trips, which is never a relationship I've had with an employer before.
4.My social life is good. I keep meeting new people and seems I always have someone to hang out with. Some people are disappointing and ignorant with awful politics. Others are really sweet and know how to dance. I have been to some good parties, gigs, restaurants, ect. Some times I feel really posh because the people I am with know someone or own the place so we don’t have to wait in line and we get free food and drinks.
Dating here sucks. Everyone is quite reserved and passive and well people world wide are generally idiots... so enough said. One thing that really bothers me is because I am lonely and am used to being in relationships I feel desperate and the need cling on to someone. I need to break this mindset.
5. I am looking into studying here. Apparently Goldsmith Uni has some really good certificate programmes.
6. I’ve written 3 new songs I like. Well they aren't finished. I am still working on them.
That’s all for now. I mean a lot more has happened. I could go into individual nights and adventures but my fingers are tired and so is my brain. I find it really hard to respond when people ask what I am doing... because I am doing the same stuff I did back home. Just different friends and places...
Tonight was the premire of Bad Boys II. I saw will smith and then ate the best sundae ever in an ice cream restraunt.
I hope all is well in the pacific northwest and will write later.
xox Jenna
I will try to give some insight into different aspects of my life…
1. My sleeping has fallen off track.
I suppose it happened about a week ago when I started feeling homesick. So I would stay online late into the night to chat with people back home. I had a Buffy marathon and when I tried to sleep I would worry about my Opa. It is hard to think a lot of change is going to occur while I am living abroad. Good and bad, with friends and family, and I will not be there to experience it with them. To offer encouragment or support. I also started getting anxious thinking about my personal battles. It is easy for me to fall into depression. To focus on negative and feel weak. When I felt alone it would discourage me. I wondered if I would ever be able to be happy. If I could take on living here. If I could live in the moment rather than creating drama and immobilizing myself. I am doing a good job though… of recognizing patterns in my thought process. I am able to tell myself what is real and what is not. I am able to let things be as they are… simple. To face each day, two feet on the ground and know that I am a strong woman who will accomplish anything I see through.
And goal number one is to correct my nocturnal habits.
2. My home is becoming home. I am more comfortable now with the situation. At first I found it hard to living alone, as I have lived with a family of four my whole life and the first several weeks I was here I was living in one bedroom with five other ladies. It was a lot easier to get into the daily chores, (cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, grocery shopping, ect) than I thought it would be. Perhaps because I know no one else is here to do it for me. Growing up really terrifies me. Like really, really terrifies me. I find it hard to accept the natural cycles of relationships and life. I hate the thought that I am going to lose and have lost a lot of friends. Part of me is so afraid of never being able to find balance. That I will be stuck in one of the two extremes I envision myself. That there is no way to take from both to create one life. I want to get a degree, become an art therapist, own a house, be a wife and a mother. Another part of me wants to travel the world, make art, music, write, go to shows, be totally independent and accomplished. I am starting to realize I can do both and that I shouldn’t stress about planning so much. In my head I have this timeline for when I want everything to fall into place. I am going to let go of that and concentrate on each day. For what it is. A day. Sure, I still have my goals but I wont reach them if I keep worrying about how and when and what if things don’t come together.
They will come together with the steps I take each day.
Anyways my house is very cute. Quite spacious for one person. I think my favorite parts are the big bath tub, my big bed and the internet. Though it doesn’t really help the whole, “I’m gonna kick my internet addiction thing”.
I have some mice living in the kitchen. I set traps and actually cried while doing so as they are cute little bastards and I don’t want to kill them... but I guess I have to since they like to eat my food and create a mess. Sneaky little things ate all the peanut butter off the traps with out it going off.
I live in Upton Park, which is in East London. A residencial area with lots of kids with fire works, foxes roaming the street and people peeing on the street. I also have an insane neighbour who likes to go through my trash and try to get into my house. There is evidence the house may be haunted. I have also befriended the wolf spiders that live on the book case.
3.I am unemployed at the moment. Still living off my last pay cheque, which is down to nothing because my phone broke and I had to buy a new one and I needed to put more time on my phone, buy bus passes and food. So I haven't been going out and living it up as much as I would like to or plan on. I have an interview on Thursday and I am quite confident I will get the job as I met the manager through a friend at a pub while he was DJ-ing. He told stories of past acid trips, which is never a relationship I've had with an employer before.
4.My social life is good. I keep meeting new people and seems I always have someone to hang out with. Some people are disappointing and ignorant with awful politics. Others are really sweet and know how to dance. I have been to some good parties, gigs, restaurants, ect. Some times I feel really posh because the people I am with know someone or own the place so we don’t have to wait in line and we get free food and drinks.
Dating here sucks. Everyone is quite reserved and passive and well people world wide are generally idiots... so enough said. One thing that really bothers me is because I am lonely and am used to being in relationships I feel desperate and the need cling on to someone. I need to break this mindset.
5. I am looking into studying here. Apparently Goldsmith Uni has some really good certificate programmes.
6. I’ve written 3 new songs I like. Well they aren't finished. I am still working on them.
That’s all for now. I mean a lot more has happened. I could go into individual nights and adventures but my fingers are tired and so is my brain. I find it really hard to respond when people ask what I am doing... because I am doing the same stuff I did back home. Just different friends and places...
Tonight was the premire of Bad Boys II. I saw will smith and then ate the best sundae ever in an ice cream restraunt.
I hope all is well in the pacific northwest and will write later.
xox Jenna