-Is dead from laughing-
Good God. I've read something today that probably will not fail to make me laugh:
IT'S A REALLY HORRIBLE FANFIC
(Rated M for "sex" scenes and almost perfect swearing I believe)
Really. I was like "WTF" at first, then started to crack up as I read on.
It keels me more than how Nietzsche keels me.
And I shall put up some quotes. Many quotes.
"“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears."
[she loses her VIRILITY]
" Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.
“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire (Harry) ran in.
“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. "
[so while video-taping Ebony (or enoby, eboby...) taking a bath, "Loopin" MASTICATES (chews). And Harry Vampire comes to rescue by pointing out his WOMB towards them. -wipes tear-]
"Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked"
[I don't know how to respond to this one -cracks up-]
".Volfemort has him bondage!"
[OH NO!]
"Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong"
[YES]
“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore..."
[ENOBBY!]
"We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other."
[what happened to the undying love for Draco Drako?]
"He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm"
[he had a BRAINSTORM HAHAHAHAHA]
"WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD."
"He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything."
"“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away."
[i just don't know where to begin]
"I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!"
[i'm sure everyone feels flattened when others memorize lyrics just for them -nods-]
"B’Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”"
[return of BIMBO-NESS]
"Dracola used to be called Navel"
[NAVEL.]
"They dyed in a car crash"
"He wus werring a blak robe dat sed ‘avril lavigne’ on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………DUMBLYDORE!"
[-falls off chair- DUMBLYDORE WEARS AVRIL LAVIGNE]
"We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song."
[0MG!!11 they had YOU KNOW WHAT (notice it's spelt perfectly)]
"I shouted sarkastikally."
[that has to be the most original way of spelling "sarcastically"; notice also "shouted" is spelt correctly, as opposed to "SHOOTED"]
"They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. "
[i did not know you can throw away WOUNDS and people TRIP over it]
"“Oh he’s bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum.” Vampire said shaking his hed. “U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?”"
[-is infected by groin's guttermind-ness]
"He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said ‘ENOBY’ on it."
[-dies-]
"All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic"
[because we're all very sad]
"“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.”"
[-facepalms-]
"“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge."
[by any chance is that because of the dogfather?]
"“Vampire, Draco WTF?” I asked.
“You fucking bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to shit next to her!1”
“No I do!” shouted.
“No she doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Draco.
“No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!” shouted Vampire. And then……………… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other."
[-falls off chair. again-]
"We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited."
[GOOD GRIEF]
"He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar."
[because it's universally known that black leather bars turn guys on]
"We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep"
[HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA -wipes tears- i'm not that surprised she fell asleep because they were frenching passively!]
"Dubleodre started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony’s not divisional?”"
[most original spelling of dumbledore. ever. EBONY IS NOT DIVISIONAL!]
"He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it."
[don't fall asleep this time!]
"“Oh my satan!1” we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.
“CUM NOW!1!” Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.
“Hey what the fuck!111” Vampire shooted angrily.
“Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?” Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. “Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango’s. So give back da camera!1111”
Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.
“Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).
I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.
And then……………….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.
“Crosio!” I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said “OK Serverus I’m going 2 go now.” She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.
“It’s ok Enoby.” said Draco. “Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake.”
Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111"
[-dies all over again-]
"“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!"
[HAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHA]
"“U must stab Vrompire.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!1”"
[listen to the man! he's going RAP DRACO! "yo yo yo Dra dra dra dra ko~!"]
"Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort."
[SNIPE]
"“U will c.” she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress."
[what. the HELL is "low-smut"]
"“Da name’s Tom.” he said. “But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam”"
[welcome to the hood]
"“yah that’s why im here im NEW.” I SMELLED HAPPili."
['cause she can't smile, that's why she smells]
"I laffed statistically"
[this is just rich XDD]
"I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak"
"He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy."
[-trying to be in control of laughter...-]
"“Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation.
“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol."
[this does not make sense! what's with "we fell asleep LOL"]
"“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”"
[STATISTIC!]
"Professor Slutborn"
[need i say more?]
"“ORLY.” I ESKED."
"“Yeah.” he said. “Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums” he said ponting to him. “Snap plays the boss. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring.”"
[SNAP's the boss yo. and he plays TEH GUTTER]
"“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.
“Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1” begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap."
[ENOPBY!]
"“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11” said Profesor Trevolry."
[-uber headdesks-]
"“Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also………….sum luv potion 4 Enoby.” Darko said resultantly."
"We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn’t there. Instead there was…………………………………………Cornelio Fuck!11111"
[-cannot stop laughing-]
"Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard."
[what is he doing in the cupboard?]
"“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Satan?”
“Oh he’s cumming.” said Serious."
[-is killed-]
"“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside."
[be careful if you look cute with a guy. everyone else might start crapping]
"“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily."
"Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation"
[why?]
"We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol."
[i think i'll make sure i'll be in a safe place if i eat cereal]
"And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11
“No!111” yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak."
[how?]
And some of the reviews that I found were very amusing.
"Yeah, "LOOPIN," was MASTICATING. He had a really tough piece of STEAK in his mouth.
And Harry killed them by pointing his WOMB at them. "LOOPIN, SNAP, I'M PREGNANT!""
"You know, I'm going to save this entire fic on a word document, so that if ever I have children and they ask me why I won't let them skip a day of school, I'll just open this and show them an example of what happens when you skip school."
Good grief. -dies of laughter-
This author has a fanclub.
IT'S A REALLY HORRIBLE FANFIC
(Rated M for "sex" scenes and almost perfect swearing I believe)
Really. I was like "WTF" at first, then started to crack up as I read on.
It keels me more than how Nietzsche keels me.
And I shall put up some quotes. Many quotes.
"“Yeah fucking right! Fuck off, you bastard!” I screamed. I ran out of the room and into the Forbidden Forest where I had lost my virility to Draco and then I started to bust into tears."
[she loses her VIRILITY]
" Then I looked out the window and screamed… Snap was spying on me and he was taking a video tape of me! And Loopin was masticating to it! They were sitting on their broomsticks.
“EW, YOU FUCKING PERVS, STOP LOOKING AT ME NAKED! ARE YOU PEDOS OR WHAT!” I screamed putting on a black towel with a picture of Marilyn Mason on it. Suddenly Vampire (Harry) ran in.
“Abra Kedavra!” he yelled at Snape and Loopin pointing his womb. I took my gun and shot Snape and Loopin a gazillion times and they both started screaming and the camera broke. "
[so while video-taping Ebony (or enoby, eboby...) taking a bath, "Loopin" MASTICATES (chews). And Harry Vampire comes to rescue by pointing out his WOMB towards them. -wipes tear-]
"Dumbledore had constipated the cideo camera they took of me naked"
[I don't know how to respond to this one -cracks up-]
".Volfemort has him bondage!"
[OH NO!]
"Who MASTABATED (c is dat speld rong"
[YES]
“U c, Enobby,” Dumblydore..."
[ENOBBY!]
"We both looked at each other for some time. Harry had beautiful red gothic eyes so much like Dracos. Then……… we jumped on each other and started screwing each other."
[what happened to the undying love for Draco Drako?]
"He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm"
[he had a BRAINSTORM HAHAHAHAHA]
"WARNING: SUM OF DIS CHAPTA IS XTREMLY SCRAY. VIOWER EXCRETION ADVISD."
"He had a sex-pack (geddit cuz hes so sexah) and a really huge you-know-what and everything."
"“Yeah but everyone is in love with me! Like Snape and Loopin took a video of me naked. Hargrid says he’s in love with me. Vampire likes me and now even Snaketail is in love with me! I just wanna be with you ok Draco! Why couldn’t Satan have made me less beautiful?” I shouted angrily. (an” don’t wory enoby isn’t a snob or anyfing but a lot of ppl hav told her shes pretty) “Im good at too many things! WHY CAN’T I JUST BE NORMAL? IT’S A FUCKING CURSE!” I shouted and then I ran away."
[i just don't know where to begin]
"I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!"
[i'm sure everyone feels flattened when others memorize lyrics just for them -nods-]
"B’Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”"
[return of BIMBO-NESS]
"Dracola used to be called Navel"
[NAVEL.]
"They dyed in a car crash"
"He wus werring a blak robe dat sed ‘avril lavigne’ on da back. He shotted a spel and Vlodemort ran away. It was…………………………………DUMBLYDORE!"
[-falls off chair- DUMBLYDORE WEARS AVRIL LAVIGNE]
"We went back to our rooms and we had you-know-what to a Linkin Park song."
[0MG!!11 they had YOU KNOW WHAT (notice it's spelt perfectly)]
"I shouted sarkastikally."
[that has to be the most original way of spelling "sarcastically"; notice also "shouted" is spelt correctly, as opposed to "SHOOTED"]
"They chased me but I threw my wound at them and dey tripped over it. "
[i did not know you can throw away WOUNDS and people TRIP over it]
"“Oh he’s bein a fucking bastard. He told me he wouldn’t cum.” Vampire said shaking his hed. “U wanna cum with me? 2 the concert?”"
[-is infected by groin's guttermind-ness]
"He said his dogfather Serious Blak had given it 2 him. The license plate on the front sed MCR666 on it. The one on da back said ‘ENOBY’ on it."
[-dies-]
"All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic"
[because we're all very sad]
"“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.”"
[-facepalms-]
"“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge."
[by any chance is that because of the dogfather?]
"“Vampire, Draco WTF?” I asked.
“You fucking bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to shit next to her!1”
“No I do!” shouted.
“No she doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Draco.
“No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!” shouted Vampire. And then……………… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv) They started to fight and beat up each other."
[-falls off chair. again-]
"We both followed Draco together and I was so exhibited."
[GOOD GRIEF]
"He took of my blak thong and my black leather bar."
[because it's universally known that black leather bars turn guys on]
"We stated frenching passively. Suddenly………… I fell asleep"
[HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA -wipes tears- i'm not that surprised she fell asleep because they were frenching passively!]
"Dubleodre started to cockle. “Hahahaha! And How due u aspect me to know Ebony’s not divisional?”"
[most original spelling of dumbledore. ever. EBONY IS NOT DIVISIONAL!]
"He put his spock in my you-know-what and passively we did it."
[don't fall asleep this time!]
"“Oh my satan!1” we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.
“CUM NOW!1!” Preacher McGongel yielded. We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes. Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.
“Hey what the fuck!111” Vampire shooted angrily.
“Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?” Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. “Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango’s. So give back da camera!1111”
Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.
“Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it. There were all these werid tools in it. Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).
I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1). Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.
And then……………….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic. They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet. I took out my wand.
“Crosio!” I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. I STOPPED DA CURSE. Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said “OK Serverus I’m going 2 go now.” She left. Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.
“It’s ok Enoby.” said Draco. “Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake.”
Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111"
[-dies all over again-]
"“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!"
[HAHAHAHAHAHAAAHAHAHA]
"“U must stab Vrompire.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!1”"
[listen to the man! he's going RAP DRACO! "yo yo yo Dra dra dra dra ko~!"]
"Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort."
[SNIPE]
"“U will c.” she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress."
[what. the HELL is "low-smut"]
"“Da name’s Tom.” he said. “But u kan call me Satan. Datz ma middle nam”"
[welcome to the hood]
"“yah that’s why im here im NEW.” I SMELLED HAPPili."
['cause she can't smile, that's why she smells]
"I laffed statistically"
[this is just rich XDD]
"I tok of his shit nd he had a six-pak"
"He pot his wetnes in my u-know-what sexily. I gut an orgy."
[-trying to be in control of laughter...-]
"“Oh Draco!111111!1 Oh mi fuking gud Draco!1111” I screemed passively as he got an eructation.
“I luv u TaEbory.” he whispred sexily and den we fel aspleep lol."
[this does not make sense! what's with "we fell asleep LOL"]
"“I fucking tortured them.” he answered in a statistic way. “They r in Abkhazian now, lol.”"
[STATISTIC!]
"Professor Slutborn"
[need i say more?]
"“ORLY.” I ESKED."
"“Yeah.” he said. “Were calld XBlakXTearX. I play teh gutter. Spartacus plays da drums” he said ponting to him. “Snap plays the boss. And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring.”"
[SNAP's the boss yo. and he plays TEH GUTTER]
"“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.
“Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1” begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap."
[ENOPBY!]
"“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11” said Profesor Trevolry."
[-uber headdesks-]
"“Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also………….sum luv potion 4 Enoby.” Darko said resultantly."
"We went sexily to Potionz class. But Snap wasn’t there. Instead there was…………………………………………Cornelio Fuck!11111"
[-cannot stop laughing-]
"Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer. Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard."
[what is he doing in the cupboard?]
"“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Satan?”
“Oh he’s cumming.” said Serious."
[-is killed-]
"“Noooooo!11” she screamed. All the preps in da theater screamed but everyone else crapped koz Satan and I loked so cute 2gether. Satan and I started to walk outside."
[be careful if you look cute with a guy. everyone else might start crapping]
"“Yah siriusly.” I said drinking sum beer. Satan started 2 drive da car. I smelled happily."
"Everyone clappd. Satan got an eructation"
[why?]
"We went in2 da movie tether were they were showing da Excercist. In it a boy and a gurl were doing it sudenly a cereal killer came lol."
[i think i'll make sure i'll be in a safe place if i eat cereal]
"And den……………………………I jumped secxily in front of da bullet!11
“No!111” yielded everyone but it wuz 2 late suddenly everyfing went blak."
[how?]
And some of the reviews that I found were very amusing.
"Yeah, "LOOPIN," was MASTICATING. He had a really tough piece of STEAK in his mouth.
And Harry killed them by pointing his WOMB at them. "LOOPIN, SNAP, I'M PREGNANT!""
"You know, I'm going to save this entire fic on a word document, so that if ever I have children and they ask me why I won't let them skip a day of school, I'll just open this and show them an example of what happens when you skip school."
Good grief. -dies of laughter-
This author has a fanclub.