(no subject)
As the hours passed, Java began to lose her sense of time. Minutes dragged by in the darkness, hours, days, years, and it was all the same to her; it seemed a lifetime and yet only moments since her visitor had left her, and Java's mind was beginning to betray her. As much as she had disliked dealing with her guest, it had at least served to distract her; alone, there was nothing to do but sit and shiver and lose herself in thoughts, and Java's thoughts were becoming increasingly dangerous places in which to become lost.
She kept her mind preoccupied as best she could as she waited; she had a lifetime's worth of experience at avoiding unpleasant thoughts, and so for a time she was able to keep herself reasonably well pulled together. Java counted footsteps and water drips far overhead, she listened to the creaks of the old building settling, and when she allowed herself to escape into thought, it was only to a carefully sectioned place in her mind into which it was still safe to travel. She had learned long ago to reserve a corner of her mind as a safe place, a tiny, carefully protected reality in which her family was still strong, Ram still loved her, and the future was still something to which she could look forward. It was a carefully guarded, secret place to which she had always been able to escape and find strength when things became difficult, as things tended to do, and for a long time, it had helped to keep Java a strong woman when others might have crumbled. Now, however, as time dragged on and she still sat, alone, waiting in a cold, dark room that stank of wet rot, Java felt the walls guarding her sanctuary begin to fall down. She had been kidnapped immediately after leaving Ram's apartment; there had been no time to deal with the rush of emotions that his words had triggered in her, and as minutes stretched into hours, Java found that she could no longer keep her thoughts at bay.
He did not love her. Despite all that they had been through together, despite her own love for him, despite her silent insistences that he was just being temperamental, Java was slowly beginning to realize that Ram did not, in fact love her, and that that would probably not change. Ever since they had launched the invasion-- no, ever since Ram had seen Ebony, things had been somehow wrong between them, and hearing Ram tell Ved about his new woman had somehow sealed the deal for Java. When she had first awoken in this place, she had believed that things were still reparable between them, but the long wait and the dull pain in her wrists was slowly stripping Java of her optimism, and she found herself forced to face the truth: He did not love her.
Things had been so good before they had come to the city, Java reflected, her hands, having stopped struggling, now hanging limply behind her back. They had come to care so deeply for one another back on the base; in spite of his quirks, Ram had been her world, and she had truly believed that they would always be together. He'd been brilliant; they had been the perfect duo, and despite his obvious preference for the sweet-tempered Siva, Java knew in her heart that Ram had needed her. But with the city conquered (if not fully secured), Ram had allowed himself to be distracted from her and from their goal; he'd become a child in so many ways, and had found little enough time for the one woman who truly loved him. It had been largely Ebony's fault, Java knew; she had been Ram's prime distractor as well as the real power behind the most troublesome tribe, the Mallrats, and Java knew full well that her younger sister was in many ways responsible for the collapse of all that they had worked for. Ebony had been City Leader; had she but been less manipulative, less evil, then things would have worked out. And now... Now there was nothing left to ruin.
Everything was destroyed, she thought bitterly; Ram had clearly moved on, Siva had officially signed on with the Mallrats (and seemed, of all things, -happy- about it), Ved had settled down with his little Virt girlfriend, and even Mega had thrown Java into the street and gone on with his life. If I die down here, Java realized, sickly, no one will care. There was no one left to care; Ebony had successfully alienated everyone Java had ever loved, and had ruined all that she had accomplished, and now there was no one and nothing left at all. She sighed, slumping forward slightly; how amazing that it should have all come down to this. She was penniless, disgraced, and utterly alone, and a part of her wondered why she should even bother putting up a fight for her kidnappers. After all, who would she be protecting by staying strong? She doubted very seriously if she even had any information that a kidnapper would find useful; since the fall of the Technos, Ram had kept her at arm's length, and Mega had told her nothing save that their plan had failed before he had gone on his way. I'm useless, she thought, bitterly; I, the Queen of the Technos, am useless.
But if that were true, then why hold her hostage? They must have -some- use for her, Java reflected; her guest had mentioned cooperation, and that implied that her captors had some purpose in holding her. So why fight back, if this was the one group of people who, sadly enough, actually considered her to be of some value? Java had no more thought the question before the answer sprung to mind; she had to fight back, because her pride was the only thing she had left. She had lost her husband, her sisters, her empire, and her freedom, but no one could strip Java of her pride. Her kidnappers were, after all, just simple little Virts; her visitor, who had fumbled with her bracelet and only shocked her once, had been a cowardly little thing who hadn't seemed to know how to react to her, and somehow putting the fear of God into a Virt in spite of her current situation brought Java a certain peace of mind. If she could command even a small amount of respect in her fallen state, bound and blindfolded in the dark, then there was still something of her former self alive and well; there was some part of her that was still the Queen. And as long as Java could cling to that, then there was some purpose to continuing to live; if she was still spirited enough and strong-willed enough to inspire fear in others, then she was strong enough to rebuild her life. But he still doesn't love you. For all of her affirmations, the thought still worked its way into her mind. He still doesn't love you; no one loves you. It wasn't true, she told herself, her eyes beginning to sting as the memories began to return. No one loves you. She bit her lip. Maybe not, she answered herself, but they do still fear me... and that counted for something, surely. As long as someone still respected her, still feared her... Then there was still hope, right?
There were footsteps approaching her, she realized, and the faint squeak of wheels. They still fear me... She needed to prove to herself that she was still Java, that she was still all of the things she needed to believe that she was, and that, Java decided, began with her next guest. She would force him to cooperate, she promised herself; she would intimidate or do whatever else was necessary to get him to cooperate and release her. Ebony needed to be taught a lesson, and Ram... She swallowed, hard. He doesn't care. Well, she thought quickly, she could-- she could just think about Ram later. All that mattered now was staying strong enough to survive. Forcing her posture back into top form, Java waited as the footsteps came to a stop outside her door. She was stronger than this.
She kept her mind preoccupied as best she could as she waited; she had a lifetime's worth of experience at avoiding unpleasant thoughts, and so for a time she was able to keep herself reasonably well pulled together. Java counted footsteps and water drips far overhead, she listened to the creaks of the old building settling, and when she allowed herself to escape into thought, it was only to a carefully sectioned place in her mind into which it was still safe to travel. She had learned long ago to reserve a corner of her mind as a safe place, a tiny, carefully protected reality in which her family was still strong, Ram still loved her, and the future was still something to which she could look forward. It was a carefully guarded, secret place to which she had always been able to escape and find strength when things became difficult, as things tended to do, and for a long time, it had helped to keep Java a strong woman when others might have crumbled. Now, however, as time dragged on and she still sat, alone, waiting in a cold, dark room that stank of wet rot, Java felt the walls guarding her sanctuary begin to fall down. She had been kidnapped immediately after leaving Ram's apartment; there had been no time to deal with the rush of emotions that his words had triggered in her, and as minutes stretched into hours, Java found that she could no longer keep her thoughts at bay.
He did not love her. Despite all that they had been through together, despite her own love for him, despite her silent insistences that he was just being temperamental, Java was slowly beginning to realize that Ram did not, in fact love her, and that that would probably not change. Ever since they had launched the invasion-- no, ever since Ram had seen Ebony, things had been somehow wrong between them, and hearing Ram tell Ved about his new woman had somehow sealed the deal for Java. When she had first awoken in this place, she had believed that things were still reparable between them, but the long wait and the dull pain in her wrists was slowly stripping Java of her optimism, and she found herself forced to face the truth: He did not love her.
Things had been so good before they had come to the city, Java reflected, her hands, having stopped struggling, now hanging limply behind her back. They had come to care so deeply for one another back on the base; in spite of his quirks, Ram had been her world, and she had truly believed that they would always be together. He'd been brilliant; they had been the perfect duo, and despite his obvious preference for the sweet-tempered Siva, Java knew in her heart that Ram had needed her. But with the city conquered (if not fully secured), Ram had allowed himself to be distracted from her and from their goal; he'd become a child in so many ways, and had found little enough time for the one woman who truly loved him. It had been largely Ebony's fault, Java knew; she had been Ram's prime distractor as well as the real power behind the most troublesome tribe, the Mallrats, and Java knew full well that her younger sister was in many ways responsible for the collapse of all that they had worked for. Ebony had been City Leader; had she but been less manipulative, less evil, then things would have worked out. And now... Now there was nothing left to ruin.
Everything was destroyed, she thought bitterly; Ram had clearly moved on, Siva had officially signed on with the Mallrats (and seemed, of all things, -happy- about it), Ved had settled down with his little Virt girlfriend, and even Mega had thrown Java into the street and gone on with his life. If I die down here, Java realized, sickly, no one will care. There was no one left to care; Ebony had successfully alienated everyone Java had ever loved, and had ruined all that she had accomplished, and now there was no one and nothing left at all. She sighed, slumping forward slightly; how amazing that it should have all come down to this. She was penniless, disgraced, and utterly alone, and a part of her wondered why she should even bother putting up a fight for her kidnappers. After all, who would she be protecting by staying strong? She doubted very seriously if she even had any information that a kidnapper would find useful; since the fall of the Technos, Ram had kept her at arm's length, and Mega had told her nothing save that their plan had failed before he had gone on his way. I'm useless, she thought, bitterly; I, the Queen of the Technos, am useless.
But if that were true, then why hold her hostage? They must have -some- use for her, Java reflected; her guest had mentioned cooperation, and that implied that her captors had some purpose in holding her. So why fight back, if this was the one group of people who, sadly enough, actually considered her to be of some value? Java had no more thought the question before the answer sprung to mind; she had to fight back, because her pride was the only thing she had left. She had lost her husband, her sisters, her empire, and her freedom, but no one could strip Java of her pride. Her kidnappers were, after all, just simple little Virts; her visitor, who had fumbled with her bracelet and only shocked her once, had been a cowardly little thing who hadn't seemed to know how to react to her, and somehow putting the fear of God into a Virt in spite of her current situation brought Java a certain peace of mind. If she could command even a small amount of respect in her fallen state, bound and blindfolded in the dark, then there was still something of her former self alive and well; there was some part of her that was still the Queen. And as long as Java could cling to that, then there was some purpose to continuing to live; if she was still spirited enough and strong-willed enough to inspire fear in others, then she was strong enough to rebuild her life. But he still doesn't love you. For all of her affirmations, the thought still worked its way into her mind. He still doesn't love you; no one loves you. It wasn't true, she told herself, her eyes beginning to sting as the memories began to return. No one loves you. She bit her lip. Maybe not, she answered herself, but they do still fear me... and that counted for something, surely. As long as someone still respected her, still feared her... Then there was still hope, right?
There were footsteps approaching her, she realized, and the faint squeak of wheels. They still fear me... She needed to prove to herself that she was still Java, that she was still all of the things she needed to believe that she was, and that, Java decided, began with her next guest. She would force him to cooperate, she promised herself; she would intimidate or do whatever else was necessary to get him to cooperate and release her. Ebony needed to be taught a lesson, and Ram... She swallowed, hard. He doesn't care. Well, she thought quickly, she could-- she could just think about Ram later. All that mattered now was staying strong enough to survive. Forcing her posture back into top form, Java waited as the footsteps came to a stop outside her door. She was stronger than this.