Boxes and labels and bitching, oh my!
Gods but I fucking hate labels. Everywhere I turn, someone has just got to put me into a nice neat little box. I mean, what the fuck is really up with that? Is that the only way that we can relate to each other, is to find a niche, give it a name, and let it go at that? I understand the concept of common interests, but why pigeonhole every last little thing? Why can't Betty Sue say, "I like Shakespeare", without having to get into a snarky battle with Joe Shmo who says, " Oh I do too, but only his sonnets, the rest of his stuff is crap?" Isn't it nice just to find someone else in the world that likes Shakespeare too? Look!!! Common ground!!! But instead, ya get, "omgorz i hate you cuz you like/don’t like his plays too."
Polyamory is a perfect example of this. I recognize and appreciate the community for what it is, but lemme say I really fucking hate it when people make judgment calls about people’s relationships and how they handle them if they somehow differ from the seemingly set in stone "rules of successful polyamory." If it works for you, that's fanfuckingtastic. If it doesn't, something is wrong, FIX IT!!! If that doesn't work, change what you're doing! But for fucks sake don't assume that other peoples relationships aren't working or won't work because they don’t fit into some neat little pre-determined box.
My ‘poly’ relationship doesn’t fit into a neat little box. I am poly. I always have been. My otherlove is also poly. He also, has always been. His wife and my husband on the other hand, are not. (Unless we use another lovely label… hub would qualify under polyfuckery, but then so would I.) This is not some secret we kept from our spouses for years and years. It’s been discussed, just never pursued. We were both quite happy and content in our mono relationships (with a little swinging/polyfuckery on the side for hub and I). Neither one of us were pursuing it when we met either. Some god with a sense of humor and too much time on his hands (Loki?), fate, the universe, happenstance, coincidence, sheer luck or something indefinable hit both of us upside the head with a board and here we are, trying to reconcile it so *everyone* involved can be happy.
I’m amused that I’ve been accused of cheating. My otherlove is three thousand miles away. As much as I would like to take him to bed and fuck him silly, that just hasn’t happened yet. (Yet, she says with fingers crossed and stars in her eyes.)
It did take a while to have the conversation with my husband and actually come out and *say* the words, but I never hid my relationship with my love from him. He knew it was there, he knew it was deep, he knew there was a sexual attraction as well as an intellectual one (Oh gods, I am so in love with his brain!!!). It wasn’t an easy conversation to have. After many hours of talking on our ‘longest night,’ about everything from jealousy and its roots, to having needs met, to understanding what constitutes a threat, to the plain and simple fact that even after ten years I am still head over heels in love with HIM, he seemed to get it, and was willing to make the effort to work on it. So far, things are going extremely well. I hope beyond hope that they continue to do so.
My otherlove is sort of in the middle of his ‘longest night’ right now. And while it is ever so difficult to wait and wonder what will happen, all I can do is love him, and be there if he needs me, without prying. I am notoriously impatient. I am also a compulsive worrier. I worry for all of us. I want EVERYONE to be okay. I want EVERYONE to be happy. I am also selfish. I love him so much, and he completes me in so many ways, I am very reluctant to the idea of possibly having to give him up. But I NEED for him to be happy, and if that’s what is needful for his relationship with his wife and for *her* to be happy, I don’t see that there is much I can do.
So yeah, label that. It’s the proverbial rock and a hard place. Frankly, it sucks.
Just for giggles, here’s a list of the many labels that pertain to me (because for all of my bitching about it, the idea amuses me.) 30-something, wife, mother, domestic-goddess (Christ is that one ever a lie, but it’s what I put on my tax returns.) bi, domme, poly, opinionated, impatient, bitch, open-minded, cynic, libertarian, pagan, (that’s depraved heathen for you folks that are members of the “religious reich”) gamer, geek, book-worm, friend, worrywart, creative, musically-inclined, uninhibited, and outspoken. I’m sure I’ve missed a few… but you get the idea.
The way I see it, I live, I love, I am….just me. Labels are self-limiting.
Polyamory is a perfect example of this. I recognize and appreciate the community for what it is, but lemme say I really fucking hate it when people make judgment calls about people’s relationships and how they handle them if they somehow differ from the seemingly set in stone "rules of successful polyamory." If it works for you, that's fanfuckingtastic. If it doesn't, something is wrong, FIX IT!!! If that doesn't work, change what you're doing! But for fucks sake don't assume that other peoples relationships aren't working or won't work because they don’t fit into some neat little pre-determined box.
My ‘poly’ relationship doesn’t fit into a neat little box. I am poly. I always have been. My otherlove is also poly. He also, has always been. His wife and my husband on the other hand, are not. (Unless we use another lovely label… hub would qualify under polyfuckery, but then so would I.) This is not some secret we kept from our spouses for years and years. It’s been discussed, just never pursued. We were both quite happy and content in our mono relationships (with a little swinging/polyfuckery on the side for hub and I). Neither one of us were pursuing it when we met either. Some god with a sense of humor and too much time on his hands (Loki?), fate, the universe, happenstance, coincidence, sheer luck or something indefinable hit both of us upside the head with a board and here we are, trying to reconcile it so *everyone* involved can be happy.
I’m amused that I’ve been accused of cheating. My otherlove is three thousand miles away. As much as I would like to take him to bed and fuck him silly, that just hasn’t happened yet. (Yet, she says with fingers crossed and stars in her eyes.)
It did take a while to have the conversation with my husband and actually come out and *say* the words, but I never hid my relationship with my love from him. He knew it was there, he knew it was deep, he knew there was a sexual attraction as well as an intellectual one (Oh gods, I am so in love with his brain!!!). It wasn’t an easy conversation to have. After many hours of talking on our ‘longest night,’ about everything from jealousy and its roots, to having needs met, to understanding what constitutes a threat, to the plain and simple fact that even after ten years I am still head over heels in love with HIM, he seemed to get it, and was willing to make the effort to work on it. So far, things are going extremely well. I hope beyond hope that they continue to do so.
My otherlove is sort of in the middle of his ‘longest night’ right now. And while it is ever so difficult to wait and wonder what will happen, all I can do is love him, and be there if he needs me, without prying. I am notoriously impatient. I am also a compulsive worrier. I worry for all of us. I want EVERYONE to be okay. I want EVERYONE to be happy. I am also selfish. I love him so much, and he completes me in so many ways, I am very reluctant to the idea of possibly having to give him up. But I NEED for him to be happy, and if that’s what is needful for his relationship with his wife and for *her* to be happy, I don’t see that there is much I can do.
So yeah, label that. It’s the proverbial rock and a hard place. Frankly, it sucks.
Just for giggles, here’s a list of the many labels that pertain to me (because for all of my bitching about it, the idea amuses me.) 30-something, wife, mother, domestic-goddess (Christ is that one ever a lie, but it’s what I put on my tax returns.) bi, domme, poly, opinionated, impatient, bitch, open-minded, cynic, libertarian, pagan, (that’s depraved heathen for you folks that are members of the “religious reich”) gamer, geek, book-worm, friend, worrywart, creative, musically-inclined, uninhibited, and outspoken. I’m sure I’ve missed a few… but you get the idea.
The way I see it, I live, I love, I am….just me. Labels are self-limiting.