(no subject)
wow
im just sitting here
looking at the computer screen
and wondering about everything and its past
memories and thoughts crossing my mind, repeatedly
noises and sounds and pictures
and nothing makes them go away, not even if i try.
and the sad thing is, they're gonna be there forever
and im now realizing what my life is becoming
and now the tears begin to fall
really start to fall
i can't stop
if i ever knew what my life was really gonna be like, i would have killed myself before anything and anybody had a chance too make it like how it is
but i was too late
and depression and sadness crosses my face
your eyes shoe aloness and depression
but no one ever looks that close
they look past the that to the fake smile you wear
and your to the point where you can't express your emotions anymore
and you don't even know if they're still there
but they are, sometimes you just forget and put on this face every single day, every where you go
and again, you put on this smile
like you put on make-up
like when you add that layer of lip-gloss
you tend to add that shining fake smile
and you go out in public
and everyone looks at you and thinks your okay
but your not.
those emotions are still there
eating at you every day
eating at your soul that you have left
but you can't see it
or realize it
until, finally, someone says something to you and those emotions kept bottled up
all begin to flow out
one by one
and you realized it
but its too late to change
and you'll have those rough days
where your emotions will just come out
but in a quite way
and you won't say much, hardly anything at all
but theres much going on in your mind
that you can't really explain
because its something that happens deep within yourself
you feel that feeling and you know its there
but you don't know exaclty what that feeling is
and your friends look at you
and see that something is bothering is you
and they stop to ask "whats wrong?"
and all you can simply say is "nothing"
and then they get upset
because you can't find a way exactly to tell them what your felling
but then you ask for help,
when you feel theres nothing left to do
but what your really looking for is someone to fix everything
for you to dispose all your feelings on someone else
and let them deal with the feelings you constently experience
then again,
you look to your friends
but the most they say is that they love you
and that they are there for you
that may when you over
for an hour
or a day
or a week
maybe it will sustain you for a couple of months
but then after that wares off that dreaded misery comes back
but this time its worse and more to deak with
and you seek the answers
and people explain to you
there hidden whithin your soul and mind
because you find out you, yourself
must make that choce to try and fix those emotions and problems
but what if you can't find a way to fix anything?
then those
thoughts
emotions
tears
deep secrets
pile up higher and higher
and coem to the point where its not fixable
and then you feel absolutley nothing of yourself
no importance
nothing.
so you throe yourself away
let those terrible things happen to you
let yourself get into things you know arent right
and to you,
you think nothing about it
you think of it as something normal
and you do these things
and say these things
and drink these things
because it takes your mind off everything
and then you'll hear "It's only temporary"
but to you the temporary time you have
where you dont have to think of those things
those things you want to avoid
and what to disapear
those are the times treasure and appreciate
because you had that time of freedom
and those friends of yours look at you
and disaprove in those choices you decide to make
and they try to explain to you how your ruining your life
and all you can do is return a blank stare
and then from all these faults
they ask you what you want later down the rode in your life
and then it hits you
that you dont.
you dont want anything.
you dont look forward to anything.
all you're looking forward to and waiting for is the day to end.
i really cant explain what i just felt.
but.
yeah..thats it.
and to my friends sam and rachel and amelia and mallory and taylor and evan and rick and leo and levon and peter and caylin and nicole and chris and alex and garrett and kayla and timmy and benton..who wont speak to me but i still care alot about...i just..and even carly because she was there earlier in my life and i love her to
thanks for always putting up with me
and being there when you could
and giving me as many answers as you could give me
and i strongly believe that if it werent for you guys i wouldnt be sitting here in my room crying and typing this out.
i really think i would have killed myself.
i love you guys so much.
you have no idea.
and i know i dont always show it...but...i do.
im just sitting here
looking at the computer screen
and wondering about everything and its past
memories and thoughts crossing my mind, repeatedly
noises and sounds and pictures
and nothing makes them go away, not even if i try.
and the sad thing is, they're gonna be there forever
and im now realizing what my life is becoming
and now the tears begin to fall
really start to fall
i can't stop
if i ever knew what my life was really gonna be like, i would have killed myself before anything and anybody had a chance too make it like how it is
but i was too late
and depression and sadness crosses my face
your eyes shoe aloness and depression
but no one ever looks that close
they look past the that to the fake smile you wear
and your to the point where you can't express your emotions anymore
and you don't even know if they're still there
but they are, sometimes you just forget and put on this face every single day, every where you go
and again, you put on this smile
like you put on make-up
like when you add that layer of lip-gloss
you tend to add that shining fake smile
and you go out in public
and everyone looks at you and thinks your okay
but your not.
those emotions are still there
eating at you every day
eating at your soul that you have left
but you can't see it
or realize it
until, finally, someone says something to you and those emotions kept bottled up
all begin to flow out
one by one
and you realized it
but its too late to change
and you'll have those rough days
where your emotions will just come out
but in a quite way
and you won't say much, hardly anything at all
but theres much going on in your mind
that you can't really explain
because its something that happens deep within yourself
you feel that feeling and you know its there
but you don't know exaclty what that feeling is
and your friends look at you
and see that something is bothering is you
and they stop to ask "whats wrong?"
and all you can simply say is "nothing"
and then they get upset
because you can't find a way exactly to tell them what your felling
but then you ask for help,
when you feel theres nothing left to do
but what your really looking for is someone to fix everything
for you to dispose all your feelings on someone else
and let them deal with the feelings you constently experience
then again,
you look to your friends
but the most they say is that they love you
and that they are there for you
that may when you over
for an hour
or a day
or a week
maybe it will sustain you for a couple of months
but then after that wares off that dreaded misery comes back
but this time its worse and more to deak with
and you seek the answers
and people explain to you
there hidden whithin your soul and mind
because you find out you, yourself
must make that choce to try and fix those emotions and problems
but what if you can't find a way to fix anything?
then those
thoughts
emotions
tears
deep secrets
pile up higher and higher
and coem to the point where its not fixable
and then you feel absolutley nothing of yourself
no importance
nothing.
so you throe yourself away
let those terrible things happen to you
let yourself get into things you know arent right
and to you,
you think nothing about it
you think of it as something normal
and you do these things
and say these things
and drink these things
because it takes your mind off everything
and then you'll hear "It's only temporary"
but to you the temporary time you have
where you dont have to think of those things
those things you want to avoid
and what to disapear
those are the times treasure and appreciate
because you had that time of freedom
and those friends of yours look at you
and disaprove in those choices you decide to make
and they try to explain to you how your ruining your life
and all you can do is return a blank stare
and then from all these faults
they ask you what you want later down the rode in your life
and then it hits you
that you dont.
you dont want anything.
you dont look forward to anything.
all you're looking forward to and waiting for is the day to end.
i really cant explain what i just felt.
but.
yeah..thats it.
and to my friends sam and rachel and amelia and mallory and taylor and evan and rick and leo and levon and peter and caylin and nicole and chris and alex and garrett and kayla and timmy and benton..who wont speak to me but i still care alot about...i just..and even carly because she was there earlier in my life and i love her to
thanks for always putting up with me
and being there when you could
and giving me as many answers as you could give me
and i strongly believe that if it werent for you guys i wouldnt be sitting here in my room crying and typing this out.
i really think i would have killed myself.
i love you guys so much.
you have no idea.
and i know i dont always show it...but...i do.