Brandi's First real rant. *old blog now added here*
Well it is finally time for my real first rant anywhere. Why don't I ever rant or state my issues to people? It's rather simple really. I know everyone is bound to have problems in their life and I feel bad actually voicing mine to people as I feel like I am making my issues theirs.
Sadly I am finally over the edge. Enough is enough and I can't take it anymore. I have bottled things up way to long and it is doing nothing but ripping me apart.
Let me give some insight on my situation and why I really am over the edge.
I told my ex months ago that I was having finance issues. Which is true. But he continues to harass me and hound me for money.
He sends me emails every other day asking me for his money and he was going far enough to bother me on msn about it. I have explained that I am -3000 dollars in the bank along with my other bills. He still bothers me of it saying it's not his problem. One time he was like "Haleigh needs sports equipment" Well if I can barely feed the child that I do have and am taking loans out of the bank to do so what does he expect me to do??? He said it wasn't his problem.
Then he brings a dead pet into the convo..saying he hopes it rots in hell. What does that have to do with anything?? I brought it to the vet with the money I had from soda cans. SODA CANS!!! Which I get from my work out of the trash in my classrooms.
Anyway to top it off he thinks that I spent my money from my pay for the guinea pig to go to the vet and not pay him. He then says "i see the leeching business isn't paying off". What is that suppose to mean?? I work a part time job as a Janitor. A FUCKING JANITOR!!! I am looking for more work and something better but it isn't exactly easy when you are foreign and have no education. Then he proceeds and makes a youtube video of it???
As seen here:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nhIhMEBFx6g
And what can I do over all this?? Nothing. Because I am not in the USA. He makes it seem like I owe thousands of dollars to him. When in reality it is not even $800 right now. He compares me to his friend's ex wife..Who actually ditched her daughter with the guy and became a druggie and caught HIV and hasn't ever seen the daughter or paid a cent. I am tired of people comparing me. I have spent my entire summer pay *is out of work in the summer* to go to the usa, found a place to stay just to see my daughter. How much did I see her? As much as he let me whcih was a few times over the course of almost two months.
I am so sick of it noone would understand. I am not a deadbeat. I am struggling to make my life better. It is rather fucking hard when you have more bills and expenses than money you bring into the household.
I am tired of being nobody. That's how my life has been. I was a nobody. I still am. I have changed alot in 10 years and people back home still label me as I was when I was 15.
I get kicked down constantly. Noone ever has any positive reinforcement toward me ever. That is one thing I have always hated about where I am from.
I never had anyone to fall back on. Noone to go to when I needed help. I never had a voice to ask for help. That's how I am. I have always given instead of recieved. I grew up with barely any money and I learned never to complain. I have made bad choices, I have learned.
I ask myself all the time why I still breathe? Why do I still breathe?? I breathe for my blood. I breathe for the lives I created. I breathe for the family I have. I know it isn't much of a family but they are still my blood and I still breathe.
I was raised with barely any money and barely friends and I went through hell and back many times. I have died once. It wasn't for a long period of time but it still was death.
I remember vividly that I used to hate my mom for the issues she had and how we had no money, but I learned how much I love her. I love her with every bone in my body. As I love my brothers even though Guy wasn't there for me much. I love my sisters even though I didn't know them for most of my life until recently.
I just don't understand why I am the one that has to go through all this shit.
My mother is out of the question because she struggles with what she has to deal with day in and day out and little pay besides.
Why can't I for once be someone?? I have been nothing.
So many guys have used me in the past. So many people hurt me and picked on me and bullied me and made me cry. So many people have double crossed me and abused me. And now this??
Someone I once loved doing this to me. Dragging my six year old daughter into it besides? What kind of person would ever do that to someone? Mentally abusive?
There is not a month that goes by that I don't cry because I don't have her. There isn't a week that goes by that I sit here and think of what could of been. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her.
My heart is breaking and being crushed from all this pain. He tells her that I don't pay for her activities. He makes me look like a horrible parent and he even brings her into it. Every few weeks she calls up my mother crying for her money.
Here I am. A small voice crying out for help. I can't deal with this any more, I can't live to see her being put through any of this. It is doing nothing but hurting her as much as it hurts me.
It hurts my husband because he can't help. It is taking a toll so hard that he has been going through large amounts of pain in his stomach because he does nothing but stress. Not only that but it affects Kristin because she has to see Spiral and I like this. Our energy is drained. Like we are zombies.
It has taken it's toll on me. I can't think right. I have no motivation. No happiness. I just want this solved and out of the way so we can live. We are thriving for a better life.
We can't get any kind of help financially. They say we make to much money to qualify. Old bills, more bills. Oweing his work money, a car payment on top of being negative three grand us dollars in the bank. Taking loans to feed the child we have in our house. Paying over 1k for a one bedroom, poor quality apartment. After all the payments we are literally left with nothing. Resulting in taking overdrafts for food and sometimes gasoline. And here is my ex asking for money because Haleigh needs stuff for her activities???
She is in dance, daisy scouts, softball league, and rollerskates. What does my other daughter have?? Hand me down clothes, used toys, and barely enough food to keep her satisfied when she is home.
I just am through with the crap. So sick and tired of it all.
Why can't people ever see that I am trying??
I am not the slutty junky everyone was used to.Why do they hold my past up in front of me. Why do they make assumptions that I am that same person I was 10 years ago? I am far from how I was when I was younger. If only people knew how much I was taken advantage of.Maybe then they would realize how I feel. I thank the few guys who have loved me unconditionally over the years either as a friend or have been my lovers (not including the few friends I have had and my close relatives.)
I know that only a few people that were men have never done anything wrong to me. I can even list them from the top of my head.
Robert Carpenter. A loving, loyal, trusting friend that I have known since I was 12. He never has once ever made me feel uncomfortable. Has never once done anything to upset me. Never has hurt me. Never has once done anything to me that I didn't want done. He has never degraded me. Never once put me down and has never done anything besides be my friend.
Then there was Todd. He never judged me. He never once tried anything to harm me. He was nothing but a great friend that I once loved but never admitted. I hurt him. Yet he still spoke to me afterwards. He wasn't the type that was a perverted older man that took advantage of me like most of the ones that I did know. We laughed alot together and always had a great time. I still to this day love this guy and miss him dearly *being so far away*
Then there was Joel. Yeah he did a few things wrong. But who could blame him? It was not him that was hurting me. Wasn't him that did the things have did to me. It was the heroin that had a tight grip on his heart, body and mind. I know how he truely was. He was a big portion of my life. He has left an inprint on who I am today and will always be part of my heart, soul and what I am. People may hate the guy for what he was doing but they didn't ever see him when he was himself.
Steve was also another guy that I have truely loved. Even if I did things to jeopardize our relationship, to hurt him, to make him want revenge. But a broken person (which in this situation is me) can't easily be fixed. It takes many years to overcome some of the things I have been through. I still love him even if he is hurting me like he is. We made a beautiful daughter together and I will never regret that. As much as I am pained and tortured she is also my blood. I hope for the sake of that girl she doesn't get to corrupted. She already is doing things that I never have done and she is brillant besides. Why does she have to go through all this? She will ask her self when she gets slightly older, "Why me? Why did I have to go through all this? Why did my mother do this?" Honestly. I am not the only one for fault through this whole thing.
Then there is Spiral. The current love of my life. My other half. The one that I ever so yearned to be with even if we have our issues. Who doesn't have problems? Ours is mostly financial. If we can get over this rock in our path things will be exactly how they should be in a marriage, in a life.
Brent, my best friend. I may of never met him but he has been there for me through everything recently. My backbone. My comfort. The one who makes me laugh and brightens my day when Spiral is sleeping and Kristin is in school.
Remember that once you love someone..No matter what they do, or how they hurt you, deep down inside you still love them even if that person is gone. It is not easy to move on from loving someone. That love always remains somewhere.
Besides them. There has been nothing but pain and suffering.
A nobody. That is who I have been, that is who I feel like I still am.
So here I am. On the brink. In pain. Breathing. Breathing for my blood. Breathing to fight with every ounce of my being.
Who can hear my small cry for help when I desperately need it? Who will be my saviour?
Someone please help. :(
Sadly I am finally over the edge. Enough is enough and I can't take it anymore. I have bottled things up way to long and it is doing nothing but ripping me apart.
Let me give some insight on my situation and why I really am over the edge.
I told my ex months ago that I was having finance issues. Which is true. But he continues to harass me and hound me for money.
He sends me emails every other day asking me for his money and he was going far enough to bother me on msn about it. I have explained that I am -3000 dollars in the bank along with my other bills. He still bothers me of it saying it's not his problem. One time he was like "Haleigh needs sports equipment" Well if I can barely feed the child that I do have and am taking loans out of the bank to do so what does he expect me to do??? He said it wasn't his problem.
Then he brings a dead pet into the convo..saying he hopes it rots in hell. What does that have to do with anything?? I brought it to the vet with the money I had from soda cans. SODA CANS!!! Which I get from my work out of the trash in my classrooms.
Anyway to top it off he thinks that I spent my money from my pay for the guinea pig to go to the vet and not pay him. He then says "i see the leeching business isn't paying off". What is that suppose to mean?? I work a part time job as a Janitor. A FUCKING JANITOR!!! I am looking for more work and something better but it isn't exactly easy when you are foreign and have no education. Then he proceeds and makes a youtube video of it???
As seen here:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=nhIhMEBFx6g
And what can I do over all this?? Nothing. Because I am not in the USA. He makes it seem like I owe thousands of dollars to him. When in reality it is not even $800 right now. He compares me to his friend's ex wife..Who actually ditched her daughter with the guy and became a druggie and caught HIV and hasn't ever seen the daughter or paid a cent. I am tired of people comparing me. I have spent my entire summer pay *is out of work in the summer* to go to the usa, found a place to stay just to see my daughter. How much did I see her? As much as he let me whcih was a few times over the course of almost two months.
I am so sick of it noone would understand. I am not a deadbeat. I am struggling to make my life better. It is rather fucking hard when you have more bills and expenses than money you bring into the household.
I am tired of being nobody. That's how my life has been. I was a nobody. I still am. I have changed alot in 10 years and people back home still label me as I was when I was 15.
I get kicked down constantly. Noone ever has any positive reinforcement toward me ever. That is one thing I have always hated about where I am from.
I never had anyone to fall back on. Noone to go to when I needed help. I never had a voice to ask for help. That's how I am. I have always given instead of recieved. I grew up with barely any money and I learned never to complain. I have made bad choices, I have learned.
I ask myself all the time why I still breathe? Why do I still breathe?? I breathe for my blood. I breathe for the lives I created. I breathe for the family I have. I know it isn't much of a family but they are still my blood and I still breathe.
I was raised with barely any money and barely friends and I went through hell and back many times. I have died once. It wasn't for a long period of time but it still was death.
I remember vividly that I used to hate my mom for the issues she had and how we had no money, but I learned how much I love her. I love her with every bone in my body. As I love my brothers even though Guy wasn't there for me much. I love my sisters even though I didn't know them for most of my life until recently.
I just don't understand why I am the one that has to go through all this shit.
My mother is out of the question because she struggles with what she has to deal with day in and day out and little pay besides.
Why can't I for once be someone?? I have been nothing.
So many guys have used me in the past. So many people hurt me and picked on me and bullied me and made me cry. So many people have double crossed me and abused me. And now this??
Someone I once loved doing this to me. Dragging my six year old daughter into it besides? What kind of person would ever do that to someone? Mentally abusive?
There is not a month that goes by that I don't cry because I don't have her. There isn't a week that goes by that I sit here and think of what could of been. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of her.
My heart is breaking and being crushed from all this pain. He tells her that I don't pay for her activities. He makes me look like a horrible parent and he even brings her into it. Every few weeks she calls up my mother crying for her money.
Here I am. A small voice crying out for help. I can't deal with this any more, I can't live to see her being put through any of this. It is doing nothing but hurting her as much as it hurts me.
It hurts my husband because he can't help. It is taking a toll so hard that he has been going through large amounts of pain in his stomach because he does nothing but stress. Not only that but it affects Kristin because she has to see Spiral and I like this. Our energy is drained. Like we are zombies.
It has taken it's toll on me. I can't think right. I have no motivation. No happiness. I just want this solved and out of the way so we can live. We are thriving for a better life.
We can't get any kind of help financially. They say we make to much money to qualify. Old bills, more bills. Oweing his work money, a car payment on top of being negative three grand us dollars in the bank. Taking loans to feed the child we have in our house. Paying over 1k for a one bedroom, poor quality apartment. After all the payments we are literally left with nothing. Resulting in taking overdrafts for food and sometimes gasoline. And here is my ex asking for money because Haleigh needs stuff for her activities???
She is in dance, daisy scouts, softball league, and rollerskates. What does my other daughter have?? Hand me down clothes, used toys, and barely enough food to keep her satisfied when she is home.
I just am through with the crap. So sick and tired of it all.
Why can't people ever see that I am trying??
I am not the slutty junky everyone was used to.Why do they hold my past up in front of me. Why do they make assumptions that I am that same person I was 10 years ago? I am far from how I was when I was younger. If only people knew how much I was taken advantage of.Maybe then they would realize how I feel. I thank the few guys who have loved me unconditionally over the years either as a friend or have been my lovers (not including the few friends I have had and my close relatives.)
I know that only a few people that were men have never done anything wrong to me. I can even list them from the top of my head.
Robert Carpenter. A loving, loyal, trusting friend that I have known since I was 12. He never has once ever made me feel uncomfortable. Has never once done anything to upset me. Never has hurt me. Never has once done anything to me that I didn't want done. He has never degraded me. Never once put me down and has never done anything besides be my friend.
Then there was Todd. He never judged me. He never once tried anything to harm me. He was nothing but a great friend that I once loved but never admitted. I hurt him. Yet he still spoke to me afterwards. He wasn't the type that was a perverted older man that took advantage of me like most of the ones that I did know. We laughed alot together and always had a great time. I still to this day love this guy and miss him dearly *being so far away*
Then there was Joel. Yeah he did a few things wrong. But who could blame him? It was not him that was hurting me. Wasn't him that did the things have did to me. It was the heroin that had a tight grip on his heart, body and mind. I know how he truely was. He was a big portion of my life. He has left an inprint on who I am today and will always be part of my heart, soul and what I am. People may hate the guy for what he was doing but they didn't ever see him when he was himself.
Steve was also another guy that I have truely loved. Even if I did things to jeopardize our relationship, to hurt him, to make him want revenge. But a broken person (which in this situation is me) can't easily be fixed. It takes many years to overcome some of the things I have been through. I still love him even if he is hurting me like he is. We made a beautiful daughter together and I will never regret that. As much as I am pained and tortured she is also my blood. I hope for the sake of that girl she doesn't get to corrupted. She already is doing things that I never have done and she is brillant besides. Why does she have to go through all this? She will ask her self when she gets slightly older, "Why me? Why did I have to go through all this? Why did my mother do this?" Honestly. I am not the only one for fault through this whole thing.
Then there is Spiral. The current love of my life. My other half. The one that I ever so yearned to be with even if we have our issues. Who doesn't have problems? Ours is mostly financial. If we can get over this rock in our path things will be exactly how they should be in a marriage, in a life.
Brent, my best friend. I may of never met him but he has been there for me through everything recently. My backbone. My comfort. The one who makes me laugh and brightens my day when Spiral is sleeping and Kristin is in school.
Remember that once you love someone..No matter what they do, or how they hurt you, deep down inside you still love them even if that person is gone. It is not easy to move on from loving someone. That love always remains somewhere.
Besides them. There has been nothing but pain and suffering.
A nobody. That is who I have been, that is who I feel like I still am.
So here I am. On the brink. In pain. Breathing. Breathing for my blood. Breathing to fight with every ounce of my being.
Who can hear my small cry for help when I desperately need it? Who will be my saviour?
Someone please help. :(