Catching up on the past few weeks/months/years.. whatever
You know.. things always go to shit once you think they're getting better. Play with the LJ Cut coming up to see the full entry, it's a long one Maybe a year and a half ago, my longest relationship with a girl (4 years) came to an abrupt end because we were smothering each other and getting on each others' nerves. I ended up living in Kittrel with Chris, and things were good. I was having the time of my life and felt happy, felt content. Things took another turn for the worse when I fucked up my car, and had to get back to the parents' house to be able to get to school and work reliably. After all that, I met up with Cayla through Nick and Jennifer. We dated for.. maybe a month and a half before she decided I wasn't right for her. I let her go without much of a fight and her life got drastically better when her and one of my old highschool friends hooked up. I was left alone and broken though. Never really let on that it hurt me as bad as it did. That was fine though, I've been through pain before. But wait, it gets even worse. After being broken up with by Cayla, I came across Phoebe. We worked together and tried to date, which lasted a few weeks. It was all nice until Phoebe and I started fighting on a daily basis and she did things that kinda made me paranoid since most girls end up cheating on me for some reason... We won't get into that because that wasn't true. Point is, I doubted her and broke up with her and she sorta held that against me. Can't say I blame her but still. We stayed good friends after that though. In fact, she ended up living with me and the folks for a while since her family sorta tossed her to the curb and I was the only person she could turn to. After I found out that she didnt cheat on me, and that she could be trusted, I wanted her back. I told her that no matter where she went, Id do my best to help her get on her feet and stick around if I could. I also realized that I didn't want to stay in North Carolina and wanted to get out and see if there were better options for places to live and things like that. We ended up quitting our jobs at Pizza Hut and heading down to South Carolina with nothing but her tax return and my most recent paycheck to support us. Should've planned that one out better too. We ended up out of money and came back to North Carolina. During the 2 weeks that I was down in SC, I called Jennifer and realized that something bad had happened to her while I was away and I felt I had more important things to worry about at home so I didn't follow Phoebe when she left for Georgia or somewhere... I had been waiting for months to get a shot at Jennifer while she was dating Nick.. Fell for her pretty hard during their relationship because she was always there to put a smile on my face when I needed one. She was a great friend, and still is. But back to the story. Jennifer and I ended up dating. Had the time of my life with her, wandering around in the woods together, watching movies, helping her skip and ending up in the middle of the woods at Fox's Pond.. all sorts of wonderful memories. Too bad for me that she cant bring herself to love me as much as I love her. I don't blame her because she's got a lot going on right now within her heart, and her hearts been pretty banged up. But yeah.. still hurts me because it wasn't anything that I did.. Nothing I can do about it either.
To recap:
Everything I've ever believed in has turned out to get me nowhere but in more pain.
For example, lets look at each belief I base my life on and how it has gotten me hurt in the end/
Belief one: Give everything you've got to something you believe in and things will always work out.
Gave my job, my money, my time, my heart, my blood, my sweat, my tears into trying to get the relationship with Nikki to work, and she's married to another man. Tried the same thing with Phoebe and she's somewhere in NC where I can't find her. Tried it with Jen, and got broken up with.
Belief two: There's a person out there for everybody.
I've been broken up with a total of 14 times in my life. Only broken up with 3 people, 2 of which I met online when I was reeling from Nikki tapdancing on my heart. One was Nikki herself, but she broke up with me at least 5 times before I finally called it quits with her. That's pretty bad odds for people thinking I'm their ONE...
Belief three: No matter what happens, a couple can work through anything.
Yep, riiiight. In order for that to happen, both parties have to be willing to work on things. Hasn't been mutual with anyone but Nikki, and she's not an option anymore thanks in part to my hesitance to continue to try to cooperate with her as she demanded more and more from me on occasion.
Belief four: Dedication to something you believe in at any cost will get you what you feel you deserve.
See belief one for this explanation.
And Belief Five: Fear nothing but death itself. However, don't fear death as an end to a life, fear it as a lack of ability to continue helping others around you.
Not being afraid of anything doesn't make you happy. People are still afraid of hurting you, or being hurt by you, despite your lack of fear. That gets you hurt in the end too.
This has been a lovely update, since I havent updated in a LONG time, other than to inform a few people that I was back in North Carolina.
To recap:
Everything I've ever believed in has turned out to get me nowhere but in more pain.
For example, lets look at each belief I base my life on and how it has gotten me hurt in the end/
Belief one: Give everything you've got to something you believe in and things will always work out.
Gave my job, my money, my time, my heart, my blood, my sweat, my tears into trying to get the relationship with Nikki to work, and she's married to another man. Tried the same thing with Phoebe and she's somewhere in NC where I can't find her. Tried it with Jen, and got broken up with.
Belief two: There's a person out there for everybody.
I've been broken up with a total of 14 times in my life. Only broken up with 3 people, 2 of which I met online when I was reeling from Nikki tapdancing on my heart. One was Nikki herself, but she broke up with me at least 5 times before I finally called it quits with her. That's pretty bad odds for people thinking I'm their ONE...
Belief three: No matter what happens, a couple can work through anything.
Yep, riiiight. In order for that to happen, both parties have to be willing to work on things. Hasn't been mutual with anyone but Nikki, and she's not an option anymore thanks in part to my hesitance to continue to try to cooperate with her as she demanded more and more from me on occasion.
Belief four: Dedication to something you believe in at any cost will get you what you feel you deserve.
See belief one for this explanation.
And Belief Five: Fear nothing but death itself. However, don't fear death as an end to a life, fear it as a lack of ability to continue helping others around you.
Not being afraid of anything doesn't make you happy. People are still afraid of hurting you, or being hurt by you, despite your lack of fear. That gets you hurt in the end too.
This has been a lovely update, since I havent updated in a LONG time, other than to inform a few people that I was back in North Carolina.