give
I feel terrible sometimes about not liking the gifts my mom chooses for me.
She's a generous, intelligent person and I cannot understand how she can have known me my whole life and still not have a clue about me in some ways.
I was conceived on Valentines day, so she has traditionally sent me a card or goodies on that day as a personal holiday treat.
This year, she had made a big deal about how she was sending me a package...it's on its way! Don't forget to check the post office! Did you get your package yet? I could tell over the weekend when I talked to her that she was disappointed that I had not checked for it yet.
Monday came and went, and I didn't check my box.
I think subconsciously, I was setting myself up to have a little surprise treat on valentines day - my package from mom. Whether or not anyone else thought to recognize that holiday with me.
Tuesday, I finally stood in line at the post office to get the package. I carried it back to the car and opened it...a harcover copy of "Lakota Woman" that she is loaning me to read (I am not very interested in it), a heart-shaped, red cardboard box with some tea-light candles in it, and then another small flat of still more tea-light candles.
All of these are going to goodwill, except the book which I am duty-bound to keep. After some deliberation, I tossed the heart-shaped box in the trash...I had wanted to keep it and decorate it, but it was this weird sort of box that opened horizontally instead of by just taking its lid off...what good would that do me? I felt sad as I put it in the garbage sack.
I do not ever use tea-lights, mainly because they are so small. I know she sent them because they go with this....sort of....lampshade thingie she sent me for Christmas. You're supposed to put a tea-light in it for its illumination. And although it is kind of a festive little lampie-thing...about 7 inches tall with little sprigs of holly painted on it and a cardinal decorating one face...I know I'll never light it...what if I forget the little tea-candle inside and it blackens and burns and drips all over? Why would I put a shade on a candle to begin with? Some of the tea-light were scented - cinnamon. Definitely not a scent I would ever choose. Especially any time OTHER than christmas.
I felt bad giving away the Christmas gifts too...some down slippers that went straight to the salvation army from Eddie Bauer...a 'pizza baker'that I exchanged for some other crap I needed at Wal-mart like toothpaste and underwear...a set of white cotton towels that I left in the parking lot of Kmart after trying unsuccessfully twice to exchange them. I only use bath towels. I have no use for a hand towel. I don't really use washcloths either.
And...tea lights are the most unappealing sort of nasty little candles I can imagine. Tiny, messy, and they come in those little metal cups that get hot when the candle burns too low. Why the fuck do people even buy tea-lights?
I feel bad.
My mom will be gone one day and I'll probably be sitting around thinking about all the stuff she sent me that I didn't like, wishing for just one of those dumb gifts back.
Right now I feel terribly sad and unsatisfied though.
I'm sad because I believe she really wants to be nice to me, and she has absolutely no clue about how to do it sometimes. I'm sad that she spends money sometimes on stuff I have no interest in...and then she's disappointed with me for having no interest.
What would it take for her to realize any of my genuine preferences? I honestly don't know.
She's a generous, intelligent person and I cannot understand how she can have known me my whole life and still not have a clue about me in some ways.
I was conceived on Valentines day, so she has traditionally sent me a card or goodies on that day as a personal holiday treat.
This year, she had made a big deal about how she was sending me a package...it's on its way! Don't forget to check the post office! Did you get your package yet? I could tell over the weekend when I talked to her that she was disappointed that I had not checked for it yet.
Monday came and went, and I didn't check my box.
I think subconsciously, I was setting myself up to have a little surprise treat on valentines day - my package from mom. Whether or not anyone else thought to recognize that holiday with me.
Tuesday, I finally stood in line at the post office to get the package. I carried it back to the car and opened it...a harcover copy of "Lakota Woman" that she is loaning me to read (I am not very interested in it), a heart-shaped, red cardboard box with some tea-light candles in it, and then another small flat of still more tea-light candles.
All of these are going to goodwill, except the book which I am duty-bound to keep. After some deliberation, I tossed the heart-shaped box in the trash...I had wanted to keep it and decorate it, but it was this weird sort of box that opened horizontally instead of by just taking its lid off...what good would that do me? I felt sad as I put it in the garbage sack.
I do not ever use tea-lights, mainly because they are so small. I know she sent them because they go with this....sort of....lampshade thingie she sent me for Christmas. You're supposed to put a tea-light in it for its illumination. And although it is kind of a festive little lampie-thing...about 7 inches tall with little sprigs of holly painted on it and a cardinal decorating one face...I know I'll never light it...what if I forget the little tea-candle inside and it blackens and burns and drips all over? Why would I put a shade on a candle to begin with? Some of the tea-light were scented - cinnamon. Definitely not a scent I would ever choose. Especially any time OTHER than christmas.
I felt bad giving away the Christmas gifts too...some down slippers that went straight to the salvation army from Eddie Bauer...a 'pizza baker'that I exchanged for some other crap I needed at Wal-mart like toothpaste and underwear...a set of white cotton towels that I left in the parking lot of Kmart after trying unsuccessfully twice to exchange them. I only use bath towels. I have no use for a hand towel. I don't really use washcloths either.
And...tea lights are the most unappealing sort of nasty little candles I can imagine. Tiny, messy, and they come in those little metal cups that get hot when the candle burns too low. Why the fuck do people even buy tea-lights?
I feel bad.
My mom will be gone one day and I'll probably be sitting around thinking about all the stuff she sent me that I didn't like, wishing for just one of those dumb gifts back.
Right now I feel terribly sad and unsatisfied though.
I'm sad because I believe she really wants to be nice to me, and she has absolutely no clue about how to do it sometimes. I'm sad that she spends money sometimes on stuff I have no interest in...and then she's disappointed with me for having no interest.
What would it take for her to realize any of my genuine preferences? I honestly don't know.