finally did it...
Dad,
First, I love you. No matter what anyone may think I know it as the absolute truth. I should have said it more often.
I dont know exactly what happened where our relationship is concerned when I had to leave... I knew the email I sent that day would make you angry, sad, hurt, probably confused, and most importantly disappointed- yet again. I still didnt think you would cut me out of your life, at least without some response to that effect. It probably went something along the lines of - Yet another stupid, selfish, hurtful, and disappointing scenario for her to put us through again, it makes me so sad and angry, I dont even know who this girl is, that it would be better to wash my hands of it and focus on life at hand. - If that is the case, I understand it and I dont blame you. Im not proud of my life as a whole either, I know I have let down everyone that ever cared about me and expected anything out of me, and even though it looks like I just dont care, I let myself down just as much. I dont know exactly how or why my life has gone so completely off course, why I have felt and acted the way I have, have always acted even. I have always felt disconnected from everything even though that was never how I wanted things to be, I desperately wanted to feel loved, supported, and a real part of the family from as long as I can remember. I dont know why I couldnt put that out there and speak and act like it, maybe I was scared, maybe I was angry, maybe I just didnt know how. I can blame my childhood and all that shit, however true it may be - knowing the reasons why should have helped me get over that wall - not kept me stuck behind it. Especially since I have alot of wonderful memories that I think about alot. All of them are things that we did together, decorating the christmas tree, sitting down for actual dinner every night together (and the glass of milk we had to have, and the plastic bag bibs), going to the beach, actually doing family things together, bike rides... hanging out with you in the basement, running around with you to the gas station or BJs... really simple things that put a smile on my face..and make me cry at the same time because to everyone else I just looked like a cold mean little girl. I have always been just a coward. Its a more than a little late now, but im sorry, more sorry that I can ever really say...
That finally being said, and long past due, there are some other more important things that need to be said, also long past due...
Regardless of how you feel about me(or for how you view me, which im sure is disgraceful to say the least, i dont think its exactly accurate in many ways).. partly - a very large part - because even though my follow through sucks, there are alot of very important lessons, memories, and values that you and my family life with you has taught me, things I will always hang on to and hope when I finally learned a lesson or two of my own I could exhibit in my life. Things that would make you proud of me. I also know that you loved me and you tried very hard to show it and raise the type of person, of a -daughter- that would bring that happiness and love into her life and she would make something of herself, and that she would strive for that same goal.
Because of those same values, lessons, and memories, I know the type of man you are. Someone I am proud to call my father - and yet cant express it because I am too much of a disappointment to myself, and to him - But some things are more important than even that, which is why I am certain you would want to at least know that your first granddaughter is due February 17. That may be another disappointment for you, and at one point I saw it that way too..but I assure you it is not.. I am going to strive everyday to give my little girl the best possible life I can provide, and make memories of our own like those I have with you. If it kills me I am going to teach her the same values that you taught me, but she is not going to be afraid to show it and I am not going to be afraid to show her. Because of the memories I have with you and my family with you, I will not be the type of mother that my own was to me. That is something that scared me to death would happen, but now I know it is an unnecessary fear. I already love her more than I thought it would be possible to love anything, its the strangest thing.
You may always decide that you would prefer things stay as they are and not know anymore about my life as it progresses, you may decide that you dont want to acknowledge this email and that is understandable as well...so I am not going to say much more, ill let you digest that first... If that is the case, there is some last information I need and I promise I wont bother you again... I know my mother had some complications with me, and I think another pregnancy as well, but that is all I know...if you could PLEASE respond to this email with any information you can tell me, hopefully in detail I would appreciate so very very much... you dont have to respond to anything I have said here, but that information is important and necessary.
I love you, and thank you.
- Christine
First, I love you. No matter what anyone may think I know it as the absolute truth. I should have said it more often.
I dont know exactly what happened where our relationship is concerned when I had to leave... I knew the email I sent that day would make you angry, sad, hurt, probably confused, and most importantly disappointed- yet again. I still didnt think you would cut me out of your life, at least without some response to that effect. It probably went something along the lines of - Yet another stupid, selfish, hurtful, and disappointing scenario for her to put us through again, it makes me so sad and angry, I dont even know who this girl is, that it would be better to wash my hands of it and focus on life at hand. - If that is the case, I understand it and I dont blame you. Im not proud of my life as a whole either, I know I have let down everyone that ever cared about me and expected anything out of me, and even though it looks like I just dont care, I let myself down just as much. I dont know exactly how or why my life has gone so completely off course, why I have felt and acted the way I have, have always acted even. I have always felt disconnected from everything even though that was never how I wanted things to be, I desperately wanted to feel loved, supported, and a real part of the family from as long as I can remember. I dont know why I couldnt put that out there and speak and act like it, maybe I was scared, maybe I was angry, maybe I just didnt know how. I can blame my childhood and all that shit, however true it may be - knowing the reasons why should have helped me get over that wall - not kept me stuck behind it. Especially since I have alot of wonderful memories that I think about alot. All of them are things that we did together, decorating the christmas tree, sitting down for actual dinner every night together (and the glass of milk we had to have, and the plastic bag bibs), going to the beach, actually doing family things together, bike rides... hanging out with you in the basement, running around with you to the gas station or BJs... really simple things that put a smile on my face..and make me cry at the same time because to everyone else I just looked like a cold mean little girl. I have always been just a coward. Its a more than a little late now, but im sorry, more sorry that I can ever really say...
That finally being said, and long past due, there are some other more important things that need to be said, also long past due...
Regardless of how you feel about me(or for how you view me, which im sure is disgraceful to say the least, i dont think its exactly accurate in many ways).. partly - a very large part - because even though my follow through sucks, there are alot of very important lessons, memories, and values that you and my family life with you has taught me, things I will always hang on to and hope when I finally learned a lesson or two of my own I could exhibit in my life. Things that would make you proud of me. I also know that you loved me and you tried very hard to show it and raise the type of person, of a -daughter- that would bring that happiness and love into her life and she would make something of herself, and that she would strive for that same goal.
Because of those same values, lessons, and memories, I know the type of man you are. Someone I am proud to call my father - and yet cant express it because I am too much of a disappointment to myself, and to him - But some things are more important than even that, which is why I am certain you would want to at least know that your first granddaughter is due February 17. That may be another disappointment for you, and at one point I saw it that way too..but I assure you it is not.. I am going to strive everyday to give my little girl the best possible life I can provide, and make memories of our own like those I have with you. If it kills me I am going to teach her the same values that you taught me, but she is not going to be afraid to show it and I am not going to be afraid to show her. Because of the memories I have with you and my family with you, I will not be the type of mother that my own was to me. That is something that scared me to death would happen, but now I know it is an unnecessary fear. I already love her more than I thought it would be possible to love anything, its the strangest thing.
You may always decide that you would prefer things stay as they are and not know anymore about my life as it progresses, you may decide that you dont want to acknowledge this email and that is understandable as well...so I am not going to say much more, ill let you digest that first... If that is the case, there is some last information I need and I promise I wont bother you again... I know my mother had some complications with me, and I think another pregnancy as well, but that is all I know...if you could PLEASE respond to this email with any information you can tell me, hopefully in detail I would appreciate so very very much... you dont have to respond to anything I have said here, but that information is important and necessary.
I love you, and thank you.
- Christine