work in progress
mom,
with the impending reality of my own motherhood dawning, i cant help but think and dream of all the things i want, and dont for my own child. this train of thought of course has me coming back to thoughts of you. i hate the fact that we have never been close, anything resembling the parent child ideal. i hate that i am a disappointment for whatever direction it is you wanted or expected my life to follow, though i dont really know what that is because the guidance aspect in such direction was never there. i feel that with any choices or mistakes that i have made in my life they have always been held against me to a core level, instead of having any understand that they are my mistakes to make, or that they may not be a mistake for me at all, and lastly the reason that they were made in the first place. while i of course accept responsiblity for all my mistakes as my own actions, i also dont neccesarily have the skills or the emotional and mental stability to be the type of person you want me to be. i feel like no matter what the choices i had made in my life there would always be a fault in your eyes.
while you may think i am a selfish disappointment, i need to tell you that you are wrong. many of my most regretful mistakes have not some from what you assume to be my cold uncaring heart, but out of fear of you, and the acceptance i knew would not be there.
i know, although im sure not the severity, that you were not treated as you should have been when you were young either, and i know that its nearly impossible to offer something that you yourself have never experienced. i dont blame you anymore now that i am old enough to understand, although i doubt you really care about that fact, and infact probably think "who the hell is she to blame me for anything in the first place."
i have always wished that you could understand that im sorry to say you were not a good mother to me, yes, i always had everything physically i ever needed, but there was never the emotional support love and guidance i desperately needed. im sorry if that hurts, but if you realize, you feel the same way about your own mother, so please try to see it from that perspective. the other truth is that even though you have your issues with grandma and your own blame, you still love her. i hope that will also help you to realize that i love you as well, i have never set out to intentionally hurt you or make you disappointed in me, unfortunately i think that is how you think it has always been. honestly alot....nearly all of the mistakes and choices i have made in my life were chasing love, acceptance, and connection, its something i need to my core and have always been chasing the tail of...it has been that reasoning that i have disappointed you at every turn, it was never malicious.
i love my family, i always have, and i always will.
i didnt know how to fix it in the past and i dont know how to fix it now. honestly i am too much of a coward to even try and it hurts me to have to admit that. while i accept the mistakes i have made and the hurt i have caused, hearing the hurt in the voice of any of my family is something i am too scared to face.
with the impending reality of my own motherhood dawning, i cant help but think and dream of all the things i want, and dont for my own child. this train of thought of course has me coming back to thoughts of you. i hate the fact that we have never been close, anything resembling the parent child ideal. i hate that i am a disappointment for whatever direction it is you wanted or expected my life to follow, though i dont really know what that is because the guidance aspect in such direction was never there. i feel that with any choices or mistakes that i have made in my life they have always been held against me to a core level, instead of having any understand that they are my mistakes to make, or that they may not be a mistake for me at all, and lastly the reason that they were made in the first place. while i of course accept responsiblity for all my mistakes as my own actions, i also dont neccesarily have the skills or the emotional and mental stability to be the type of person you want me to be. i feel like no matter what the choices i had made in my life there would always be a fault in your eyes.
while you may think i am a selfish disappointment, i need to tell you that you are wrong. many of my most regretful mistakes have not some from what you assume to be my cold uncaring heart, but out of fear of you, and the acceptance i knew would not be there.
i know, although im sure not the severity, that you were not treated as you should have been when you were young either, and i know that its nearly impossible to offer something that you yourself have never experienced. i dont blame you anymore now that i am old enough to understand, although i doubt you really care about that fact, and infact probably think "who the hell is she to blame me for anything in the first place."
i have always wished that you could understand that im sorry to say you were not a good mother to me, yes, i always had everything physically i ever needed, but there was never the emotional support love and guidance i desperately needed. im sorry if that hurts, but if you realize, you feel the same way about your own mother, so please try to see it from that perspective. the other truth is that even though you have your issues with grandma and your own blame, you still love her. i hope that will also help you to realize that i love you as well, i have never set out to intentionally hurt you or make you disappointed in me, unfortunately i think that is how you think it has always been. honestly alot....nearly all of the mistakes and choices i have made in my life were chasing love, acceptance, and connection, its something i need to my core and have always been chasing the tail of...it has been that reasoning that i have disappointed you at every turn, it was never malicious.
i love my family, i always have, and i always will.
i didnt know how to fix it in the past and i dont know how to fix it now. honestly i am too much of a coward to even try and it hurts me to have to admit that. while i accept the mistakes i have made and the hurt i have caused, hearing the hurt in the voice of any of my family is something i am too scared to face.