i think the whole circumstance we're in (he's about to sign the divorce papers in a few days) adds more pressure on the relationship than it would have happened in a normal situation. and i do understand that a lot.
it just feels sometimes like there's a huge wall of non-communication between us, both not wanting to bother, to intrude, to find out the other is hurting and why they are hurting and so on. on the outside everything seems fine and we have fun together but we never really talk about our feelings and i most of the times am scared to bring them up because i don't want him to feel pressured and wait on him to open up. sometimes i feel that this makes me come off as cold and distant. and when i have issues of my own sometimes i feel like he shuts off and just politely talks and listens but never to the lengths i go to make him feel better.
and for me it's exhausting. i'm actively concealing my insecurities and my own pains (he does ask me what's wrong sometimes and he senses something is not ok, but i don't want to burden him and give him more pain or pressure. i know he might not be able to give me more right now he told me he feels like he's emotionally crippled but on the other had he has these bursts where he tells me how much he misses me or what a good person i am and so on... it's really confusing sometimes and i'm sure i'm confusing to him too)
don't get me wrong, it's also very very good between us and i am happy but there's still this shadow, this wobbly foundation that i feel i'm stepping on tiptoes all the times. i think of all things i need to learn patience but i'm also sort of realizing i am becoming increasingly passive and submitting to his rhythm. and the rhythm is fine, but the passivity is not entirely me and i feel like he's going to learn to know me as a different person than who i really am
anyway sorry for all the details. and the whole inane babble. i was thinking constantly as i was writing. some might not make much sense
The next time he asks you what is wrong, tell him.
Including your concerns that you don't feel he's really listening. That's selfish and immature -- it can happen to anyone, INFP's are not exempt from being too self-fixated. ;)
Normally we are excellent listeners and can't help but want to heal those we care about (I've even lost friends over it). Your remarks remind me a lot of that sort of person. I can see your personality types are indeed close.
You sound like a lovely partner though. You're right, it is exhausting to have to constantly conceal so much and an INFP should be especially sensitive to that. Compromising oneself in a relationship is often necessary, but it can never work if it is done to the point where you no longer feel: "To thine own self be true." It should be OK to sometimes take the reigns, in fact it could be a huge plus. Often us INFPs need that.
You have doubts, that is normal. He should listen (wether by phone/person/letter). And in all things, only time will tell. Do celebrate the divorce though. A new chapter is opening.
He's naturally needed to be self-absorbed perhaps for a while or perhaps it is an inherit character flaw, let us hope this is merely an opportunity for more growth. I am glad he is asking what is wrong. I am glad he can sense it AND acts on what is being sensed. When I am wounded, sometimes I switch into an INFJ. Perhaps he is doing that too.
it gives me a lot to think about
i think the whole circumstance we're in (he's about to sign the divorce papers in a few days) adds more pressure on the relationship than it would have happened in a normal situation. and i do understand that a lot.
it just feels sometimes like there's a huge wall of non-communication between us, both not wanting to bother, to intrude, to find out the other is hurting and why they are hurting and so on. on the outside everything seems fine and we have fun together but we never really talk about our feelings and i most of the times am scared to bring them up because i don't want him to feel pressured and wait on him to open up. sometimes i feel that this makes me come off as cold and distant. and when i have issues of my own sometimes i feel like he shuts off and just politely talks and listens but never to the lengths i go to make him feel better.
and for me it's exhausting. i'm actively concealing my insecurities and my own pains (he does ask me what's wrong sometimes and he senses something is not ok, but i don't want to burden him and give him more pain or pressure. i know he might not be able to give me more right now he told me he feels like he's emotionally crippled but on the other had he has these bursts where he tells me how much he misses me or what a good person i am and so on... it's really confusing sometimes and i'm sure i'm confusing to him too)
don't get me wrong, it's also very very good between us and i am happy but there's still this shadow, this wobbly foundation that i feel i'm stepping on tiptoes all the times. i think of all things i need to learn patience but i'm also sort of realizing i am becoming increasingly passive and submitting to his rhythm. and the rhythm is fine, but the passivity is not entirely me and i feel like he's going to learn to know me as a different person than who i really am
anyway sorry for all the details. and the whole inane babble. i was thinking constantly as i was writing. some might not make much sense
is any of this typical of infp?
what can i learn to deal with this better?
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Including your concerns that you don't feel he's really listening. That's selfish and immature -- it can happen to anyone, INFP's are not exempt from being too self-fixated. ;)
Normally we are excellent listeners and can't help but want to heal those we care about (I've even lost friends over it). Your remarks remind me a lot of that sort of person. I can see your personality types are indeed close.
You sound like a lovely partner though. You're right, it is exhausting to have to constantly conceal so much and an INFP should be especially sensitive to that. Compromising oneself in a relationship is often necessary, but it can never work if it is done to the point where you no longer feel: "To thine own self be true." It should be OK to sometimes take the reigns, in fact it could be a huge plus. Often us INFPs need that.
You have doubts, that is normal. He should listen (wether by phone/person/letter).
And in all things, only time will tell. Do celebrate the divorce though. A new chapter is opening.
He's naturally needed to be self-absorbed perhaps for a while or perhaps it is an inherit character flaw, let us hope this is merely an opportunity for more growth. I am glad he is asking what is wrong. I am glad he can sense it AND acts on what is being sensed. When I am wounded, sometimes I switch into an INFJ. Perhaps he is doing that too.
Reply
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