this is a test
Has it ever not made sense? What, you might ask. Well, I'd answer, everything. Those little thoughts in the back of your mind that have no cause or effect, no place with the rest, no place in the happiness. Just thoughts that sit there, doubting what you know. Those little thoughts that keep sleep from coming at nights. The little thoughts that never go away.
Has it ever not made sense? The world in general. How it can be so beautiful one moment it's enough to make you cry. And the next all you can see is the hate that everyone seems to dish out so easily. All you can see are the things that are unjust. The way a handful of people have so much money, and millions starve. The way you're stuck in the middle where you have just enough to not complain, but not enough to really make a difference, or so it feels like when you stare at the monster that is the world's problems.
Has it ever not made sense? The way you can be surrounded by people but yet feel so alone. Or lost in a lover's embrace but still feel like you're an island to yourself. Removed from what you view as being so easy for everyone else. And then the silent reminder that you're not really going insane. That everyone feels this way.
Have you ever written just to write. To feel the keys buckle under the pressure of your fingers and by some magic, though you know even if you never think of it, that it's simply some complex pattern that sends the message from key to monitor (magic is for children), the letter will appear. Have you ever written a run on sentence. Have you ever written just to get it out. To lose yourself in some odd thought pattern that if you don't put it somewhere you fear of losing it. Not because you think it might be great and inspirational, some new idea (nothing is really new anymore) but just because if you lose it, it will come back. And it will come back in the middle of some sleepless night when you're wrapped up in someone else and they're sleeping so sound and the last thing you want to do is disturb them by moving to ramble this silly little thought out.
Have you ever just paused, if only for a moment, to take a look around. Do it. Have you ever stared at the sky and wondered where it ends? Where the clouds come from, forgetting elementary science and the water cycle.
Have you ever just wanted to stay in a moment forever?
I realized today that I'm still trying to find myself.
And I'm not doing a very good job.
I stopped at the store. Bought two train tickets (one for the way there, one for the way home), a pack of gum (juicy fruit) and a pack of player's extra light (this is my way of trying to quit).
Sat on a train and stared at an ad staring back at me trying to tell me about heaven in a day spa. I pondered the subtle irony of Jesus giving pedicures.
Lost myself in a book (off white pages, blaring with black text) by someone whose name I've misplaced, but who has words infinitley better than my own.
Absentmindedly rubbed the soft skin of an earlobe between forefinger and thumb, feeling the gentle scar from where a needle had pierced the skin so many years ago.
Yet another testament to the rebellion of youth.
Lost myself to a though I dare not share, leftover adolescent fear of rejection.
And realized today that I'm still trying to find myself.
Has it ever not made sense? The world in general. How it can be so beautiful one moment it's enough to make you cry. And the next all you can see is the hate that everyone seems to dish out so easily. All you can see are the things that are unjust. The way a handful of people have so much money, and millions starve. The way you're stuck in the middle where you have just enough to not complain, but not enough to really make a difference, or so it feels like when you stare at the monster that is the world's problems.
Has it ever not made sense? The way you can be surrounded by people but yet feel so alone. Or lost in a lover's embrace but still feel like you're an island to yourself. Removed from what you view as being so easy for everyone else. And then the silent reminder that you're not really going insane. That everyone feels this way.
Have you ever written just to write. To feel the keys buckle under the pressure of your fingers and by some magic, though you know even if you never think of it, that it's simply some complex pattern that sends the message from key to monitor (magic is for children), the letter will appear. Have you ever written a run on sentence. Have you ever written just to get it out. To lose yourself in some odd thought pattern that if you don't put it somewhere you fear of losing it. Not because you think it might be great and inspirational, some new idea (nothing is really new anymore) but just because if you lose it, it will come back. And it will come back in the middle of some sleepless night when you're wrapped up in someone else and they're sleeping so sound and the last thing you want to do is disturb them by moving to ramble this silly little thought out.
Have you ever just paused, if only for a moment, to take a look around. Do it. Have you ever stared at the sky and wondered where it ends? Where the clouds come from, forgetting elementary science and the water cycle.
Have you ever just wanted to stay in a moment forever?
I realized today that I'm still trying to find myself.
And I'm not doing a very good job.
I stopped at the store. Bought two train tickets (one for the way there, one for the way home), a pack of gum (juicy fruit) and a pack of player's extra light (this is my way of trying to quit).
Sat on a train and stared at an ad staring back at me trying to tell me about heaven in a day spa. I pondered the subtle irony of Jesus giving pedicures.
Lost myself in a book (off white pages, blaring with black text) by someone whose name I've misplaced, but who has words infinitley better than my own.
Absentmindedly rubbed the soft skin of an earlobe between forefinger and thumb, feeling the gentle scar from where a needle had pierced the skin so many years ago.
Yet another testament to the rebellion of youth.
Lost myself to a though I dare not share, leftover adolescent fear of rejection.
And realized today that I'm still trying to find myself.