Nankurunaisa
"Live for tomorrow"
Firstly before I start, you should know that this has nothing to do with depression, its just something that I've been thinking of lately. There's this play for Drama that I need to revise for my exam. It's called Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. It's a play worth reading, but the part that relates to what I've thinking about is the requiem. The lead character, Willy Loman kills himself to get the insurance for his family but the insurance company rules out suicide so the family end up with not much money and no family leader. The play ends when the family think though Willy's life at his grave. Willy thought that all the people that he knew would come to his funeral but there is no one besides his family and his neighbour and his son.
What I'm coming at is what would happen when I somehow died, here in Singapore? My parents don't call me everyday, and how would they find out if I was out when it happened? I'm not sure what would my guardian do. I look at the friends I have in AISS, and I wonder which ones of them are truly my friends because the connection we once had feels different. I know I have close friends who realise something's different and ones who couldnt care less. I think of my friends in Aus, what would happen if I died or was in an accident? How would they find out?
I think of my grandmother and how she always wants me to sleepover at her house to keep her company. During the long breaks I have, but lately the holidays seem short that I dont get the chance. Once in a while I send her a letter from SG. She looks forward to that and it never fails to bring a smile to her face but I havent been doing that lately. I keep thinking about it but I always put it off. My tok mummy is old yet healthy but I don't know how long she will live for. If something were to happen to me, my relatives around the world would know about it. If something happened to Adam, I would find out about it, but I would feel torn apart because I'm here and he's there with the rest in KL. I won't breakdown like I did before. I scare my family, my friends and I dont want to be like that. I want to be strong like Rae or Chris. They seem to hold it together better then me. I have been the one my friends turn to when something went wrong but it seems hard to me when my pillar of support breaks down because I have been depending on them all the time. That was probably my subconcious reason as to not let Rae or Chris in. You should know that although you all are the closest and dearest things to me, I can't possible let all of you know what goes through my head because its unbearable to keep repeating it so please remember that even if I don't tell you something, I still love you the same and I hope you understand that someday I will let you in.
I sound weird. I feel weird. I've also been thinking that these past 2 years have been drastic for me and Ive changed and learnt from it, becoming a better person, though a small part of me thinks, its added a negative trait to me. I know from memory, that some of my personality from before, be it negative or positive, has changed through seeing the beautiful and ugly sides of the people around me.
I felt a bit envious when Rae told me that she was going to see Lang. I wish I was like that, but chh, no one's in Singapore. Yani is but she's in college and her schedule is different to mine, though I will meet up with her next term. I really want to go to Aus, visit Nurie, Lang, Chris..and hug them tightly like I wouldnt want to let go because that is what I need now. In this school, hugging is so passe that it loses its meaning. I miss you all so much..I'm happy that Rae comes back every term so she is my support. I see Lang once a year, it seems I will see chris every 2 years, and Nurie..its been a year and a half. If only we could all be in the same place, that would be nice.
Nankurunaisa. Live for tomorrow. Look forward to seeing all your faces and holding you. No matter what happens in the future, I will keep you alive in my memory forever.
Firstly before I start, you should know that this has nothing to do with depression, its just something that I've been thinking of lately. There's this play for Drama that I need to revise for my exam. It's called Death of a Salesman by Arthur Miller. It's a play worth reading, but the part that relates to what I've thinking about is the requiem. The lead character, Willy Loman kills himself to get the insurance for his family but the insurance company rules out suicide so the family end up with not much money and no family leader. The play ends when the family think though Willy's life at his grave. Willy thought that all the people that he knew would come to his funeral but there is no one besides his family and his neighbour and his son.
What I'm coming at is what would happen when I somehow died, here in Singapore? My parents don't call me everyday, and how would they find out if I was out when it happened? I'm not sure what would my guardian do. I look at the friends I have in AISS, and I wonder which ones of them are truly my friends because the connection we once had feels different. I know I have close friends who realise something's different and ones who couldnt care less. I think of my friends in Aus, what would happen if I died or was in an accident? How would they find out?
I think of my grandmother and how she always wants me to sleepover at her house to keep her company. During the long breaks I have, but lately the holidays seem short that I dont get the chance. Once in a while I send her a letter from SG. She looks forward to that and it never fails to bring a smile to her face but I havent been doing that lately. I keep thinking about it but I always put it off. My tok mummy is old yet healthy but I don't know how long she will live for. If something were to happen to me, my relatives around the world would know about it. If something happened to Adam, I would find out about it, but I would feel torn apart because I'm here and he's there with the rest in KL. I won't breakdown like I did before. I scare my family, my friends and I dont want to be like that. I want to be strong like Rae or Chris. They seem to hold it together better then me. I have been the one my friends turn to when something went wrong but it seems hard to me when my pillar of support breaks down because I have been depending on them all the time. That was probably my subconcious reason as to not let Rae or Chris in. You should know that although you all are the closest and dearest things to me, I can't possible let all of you know what goes through my head because its unbearable to keep repeating it so please remember that even if I don't tell you something, I still love you the same and I hope you understand that someday I will let you in.
I sound weird. I feel weird. I've also been thinking that these past 2 years have been drastic for me and Ive changed and learnt from it, becoming a better person, though a small part of me thinks, its added a negative trait to me. I know from memory, that some of my personality from before, be it negative or positive, has changed through seeing the beautiful and ugly sides of the people around me.
I felt a bit envious when Rae told me that she was going to see Lang. I wish I was like that, but chh, no one's in Singapore. Yani is but she's in college and her schedule is different to mine, though I will meet up with her next term. I really want to go to Aus, visit Nurie, Lang, Chris..and hug them tightly like I wouldnt want to let go because that is what I need now. In this school, hugging is so passe that it loses its meaning. I miss you all so much..I'm happy that Rae comes back every term so she is my support. I see Lang once a year, it seems I will see chris every 2 years, and Nurie..its been a year and a half. If only we could all be in the same place, that would be nice.
Nankurunaisa. Live for tomorrow. Look forward to seeing all your faces and holding you. No matter what happens in the future, I will keep you alive in my memory forever.