Noise
Here’s the crazy thing. Most of it is noise. Everything is perspective. Anything that happens to you is something you have to perceive based on all of the experiences you’ve had in your life.
When you’re young, most people come up against something that challenges your perspective or your identity or your comfort. Your parents tell you that your curfew is 10pm and “everyone else” doesn’t even have a curfew at all. Your teacher gives you back the paper you spent every extra minute of the last two weeks working on a C. Your best friend gets asked to the dance by the guy you’ve had a secret crush on since Elementary School. Anyone of these things would be the “Worst Thing Ever,” but of course the universe served all three up the same week. It’s literally the worst things that have ever happened to you. Plus, you’re a teenager who has crazy hormones, a brain that is still developing and zero control over anything that happens to you or to the world around you.
As you get older, you learn that there’s a lot worse things that can happen. Real world. Real adult things. Getting fired from a job. Not having money for rent. Getting so drunk that you don’t remember the night before. And things outside the things happening directly to you. World hunger, wars, geopolitical unrest, capitalism in general, a writers strike that affects your favorite show. (Not everything is the same level of importance)
As you live and learn and love, you’re whittling away at what matters, what’s important and you are constantly changing your perception of the “worst thing”.
I’ve had more than my share of the “worst thing”. In order to wake up every day and continue on, I have to look for the meaning and the silver lining. There has to be an explanation. Unfortunately, I know better than to ask, “why me?” It’s not helpful, and it’s not even accurate. The world is full of horrible things that happen, and it’s narcissistic to think that I was singled out. I’m not special, I’m not the first and I definitely won’t be the last to deal with strife, struggle, heartbreak, grief or anything else in that category.
That doesn’t mean that I’m not angry that I have to deal with this. I’m furious. I want things to be easier. I don’t want to cry every day. I don’t want to have to make budgets and phone calls and yell “representative” into phone trees. I don’t want to force some customer service representative, who is not paid enough to feign empathy or apologize for my situation.
The only thing that has been made clear from all of this, is all of the noise is gone. Every single tragedy. Every single “worst thing” whittles down the shit that literally doesn’t matter at all. I don’t want to be the keeper of this knowledge. I want to feel inconvenienced by a long line or an incorrect order in a department store or coffee shop. Blissfully unaware that there could be anything more egregious.
I truly used to think I understood the meaning of the phrase, “ignorance is bliss”. But until you have to decide what to do with your partners underwear after they die, you truly can’t understand what that phrase means. Until you are forced to deal with your fourth phone call of the day with an AI phone menu; that on your best day would lead you to homicidal rage, because the issue you have isn’t one of the options (that have been recently changed, so please listen carefully), and you’re not having your best day. You’re actually having your worst day.
And people are reaching out with “helpful” platitudes like, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, please let me know if there is anything I can do to help!” I truly think that it’s really thoughtful for anyone to reach out in any capacity. And again, I know how hard this is to deal with the “worst thing”, and most people truly have never gotten anywhere close to that. So, I try to give the people around me grace. Especially those who say they want to help. But offering “anything I can do to help”, is actually the opposite of helpful. If you truly want to help someone who is going through the “worst thing”, tell them what you plan on doing or just show up and do it. I barely know what I want for dinner or what hobbies I used to enjoy, let alone doing the emotional labor to tell someone else how to help me.
And please don’t ask me how I’m doing. And again, I don’t fault anyone for taking this approach. But maybe read the room? Maybe you don’t know what to say, so I try to extend grace because you literally cannot understand this until it happens to you. But anyone in this situation is clearly not okay. I loathe having to emotionally support other people who are reaching out because anyone who asks, “how are you doing?”, 100% cannot handle the truthful answer. If I am truthful and say, “not great, everything is horrible”, that makes people feel bad. And they are less likely to reach out again because it’s uncomfortable and hard to support someone who is truly not doing okay.
But the whole point of this, is that I see everything so much more clearly now. I’m devastated I didn’t see it before because I think I would have done a lot of things differently. But the only thing I can do is change how I see and interact with the world going forward.
The people and the things that matter are so much more clear to me now. The only good thing. The one good thing is the closer you get to the “worst thing”, the more clearly you’re able to just ignore those things that don’t matter at all and prioritize the things that truly matter. The rest, is just noise.
When you’re young, most people come up against something that challenges your perspective or your identity or your comfort. Your parents tell you that your curfew is 10pm and “everyone else” doesn’t even have a curfew at all. Your teacher gives you back the paper you spent every extra minute of the last two weeks working on a C. Your best friend gets asked to the dance by the guy you’ve had a secret crush on since Elementary School. Anyone of these things would be the “Worst Thing Ever,” but of course the universe served all three up the same week. It’s literally the worst things that have ever happened to you. Plus, you’re a teenager who has crazy hormones, a brain that is still developing and zero control over anything that happens to you or to the world around you.
As you get older, you learn that there’s a lot worse things that can happen. Real world. Real adult things. Getting fired from a job. Not having money for rent. Getting so drunk that you don’t remember the night before. And things outside the things happening directly to you. World hunger, wars, geopolitical unrest, capitalism in general, a writers strike that affects your favorite show. (Not everything is the same level of importance)
As you live and learn and love, you’re whittling away at what matters, what’s important and you are constantly changing your perception of the “worst thing”.
I’ve had more than my share of the “worst thing”. In order to wake up every day and continue on, I have to look for the meaning and the silver lining. There has to be an explanation. Unfortunately, I know better than to ask, “why me?” It’s not helpful, and it’s not even accurate. The world is full of horrible things that happen, and it’s narcissistic to think that I was singled out. I’m not special, I’m not the first and I definitely won’t be the last to deal with strife, struggle, heartbreak, grief or anything else in that category.
That doesn’t mean that I’m not angry that I have to deal with this. I’m furious. I want things to be easier. I don’t want to cry every day. I don’t want to have to make budgets and phone calls and yell “representative” into phone trees. I don’t want to force some customer service representative, who is not paid enough to feign empathy or apologize for my situation.
The only thing that has been made clear from all of this, is all of the noise is gone. Every single tragedy. Every single “worst thing” whittles down the shit that literally doesn’t matter at all. I don’t want to be the keeper of this knowledge. I want to feel inconvenienced by a long line or an incorrect order in a department store or coffee shop. Blissfully unaware that there could be anything more egregious.
I truly used to think I understood the meaning of the phrase, “ignorance is bliss”. But until you have to decide what to do with your partners underwear after they die, you truly can’t understand what that phrase means. Until you are forced to deal with your fourth phone call of the day with an AI phone menu; that on your best day would lead you to homicidal rage, because the issue you have isn’t one of the options (that have been recently changed, so please listen carefully), and you’re not having your best day. You’re actually having your worst day.
And people are reaching out with “helpful” platitudes like, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, please let me know if there is anything I can do to help!” I truly think that it’s really thoughtful for anyone to reach out in any capacity. And again, I know how hard this is to deal with the “worst thing”, and most people truly have never gotten anywhere close to that. So, I try to give the people around me grace. Especially those who say they want to help. But offering “anything I can do to help”, is actually the opposite of helpful. If you truly want to help someone who is going through the “worst thing”, tell them what you plan on doing or just show up and do it. I barely know what I want for dinner or what hobbies I used to enjoy, let alone doing the emotional labor to tell someone else how to help me.
And please don’t ask me how I’m doing. And again, I don’t fault anyone for taking this approach. But maybe read the room? Maybe you don’t know what to say, so I try to extend grace because you literally cannot understand this until it happens to you. But anyone in this situation is clearly not okay. I loathe having to emotionally support other people who are reaching out because anyone who asks, “how are you doing?”, 100% cannot handle the truthful answer. If I am truthful and say, “not great, everything is horrible”, that makes people feel bad. And they are less likely to reach out again because it’s uncomfortable and hard to support someone who is truly not doing okay.
But the whole point of this, is that I see everything so much more clearly now. I’m devastated I didn’t see it before because I think I would have done a lot of things differently. But the only thing I can do is change how I see and interact with the world going forward.
The people and the things that matter are so much more clear to me now. The only good thing. The one good thing is the closer you get to the “worst thing”, the more clearly you’re able to just ignore those things that don’t matter at all and prioritize the things that truly matter. The rest, is just noise.