standed
i feel stranded sometimes. i feel like i am suffercating and i cant get out of this rut in my life. not only do i know that other ppl have family problems like what sabrina said but its also the fact that life has not been so well in this house. not since the day we moved in. i never quite felt at home here. dont think i will be feeling like that at all for a while. and it hurts to know that i am out of place here. everyone has someone they can relate to in this house or can go to whenever they get into a tough, tight situation. for me, i am like an outcast. i have no one to really talk to here. the only person i can actually talk to (which is kinda scary) is maya cuz she listens to me even if she has never experienced it before. and for the fact that we fight and we havent gotten along before, shes the only person i can trust here. not even joanna i can talk to cuz shes turned into miss HIGH AND MIGHTY. and tanya, she's just a little lost puppy who follows any and everyone here. shes so spoiled however cuz she will get away with everything but once i do a little thing i get yelled at until my ears start to bleed. and yet she still tries to suck up to me which is ok at times but gets a bit annoying and noticable. and for jayr, he is a migrane and a half. all he does is treat me like as if i'm some docile child who will follow him like a sheep just like the others do. but what i dont think he realizes is that i am the same age as him. i am an individual with my own mind and my own opinions. and he always puts me to shame when it comes to just about everything. my mom thinks hes like the prize kid. like he is just so wonderful because he is good at everything he participates in. i mean i try to be special, stand out and be the only one who can play an instrument and he goes and gets a fucking guitar and puts me to shame. then when i go and show that i can sing after the fact that i'm shy as hell, he comes out singing some major solo and is now known to have a fucking excellent voice. i cant play sports hoping that i'll be praised for doing my best cuz i am constantly compared to him cuz he is so fucking athletic. when it comes to acedemics i always thought at least i have one thing that he doesnt. i am better at atleast something, and yet he gets to the high school and all of a sudden is some genius. i have nothing to offer to anyone here anymore. and yea i know that it sounds like i am jealous. and to tell you the truth i am because i feel and know that i am always compared to him. because he is good in something i have to strive to be just like him or close to it. and it pisses me off that everything that i push to do well in is thought to be useless in some way. i mean, when i decided to take french, everyone said that it was a waste of time cuz i cant use it and that i should have taken spanish cuz its used more often. but i am planning on traveling for my job (hopefully) and plus there is a known fact that most of the world speaks french more than they do spanish. yet he speaks spanish so fluently cuz all his friends are like spanish anyway so now im still frowned upon cuz i'm not so good in french. and i fucking try so hard in that class that they wouldnt believe. yet it shows nothing. and for the fact that i dont truely know who my true father is or what he really looks like or who his family is. but all i can do is just put a smile on to the world and act like everything is great because if i show people how i really feel, they will feel sorry for me or butter me up and that will make me feel worse cuz i hate that. i know life sucks...especially as a teenager...but as said in the movie "The Crow"...."it can't rain all the time". plus, today edwin told off siobhan and told her to basically stop getting into other people's business (such as mine and his) and get a man of her own. it was quite hilarious cuz she kept saying how i must be crazy to be with him and that she felt sorry for me having to kiss his crusty lips which is funny but mean. and its not crusty...yea it needs sum moister but i can give that to him...lol jk. but other than that today was ok. not bad, not good. just ok. l8er