(no subject)
i've been living a strange life of excess recently. my predisposition is addiction. this summer has been terrible for such things. today is the first day in many (possibly 12) that i haven't consumed some form of alcoholic beverage. luckily, i live a life of zero responsibility these days, but nonetheless it is an alarming trend. i certainly haven't been drunk all 12 days, but still, my pocketbook and sanity are at stake here. also, for 3 or so months i have been a smoker. if 16 year old neel could see present neel i'm sure he'd shake his head or punch me in the mouth. i can't really believe that i smoke, but here i am. beyond monetary and health concerns i have no desire to quit. i tell myself this is a "summer thing;" just a fling, but one has to wonder. i'm kinda falling apart, but doing so glamourously.
i don't really have any idea what i'm doing with/to myself recently. everything kinda imploded on me as soon as summer started. what had become my regular life blew up in my face. without school, and my regular trip back to mommy and daddy for the summer (among other things) i was left straded in the unfamiliar, my reaction was some form of rock and roll self-destruction. self-destruction has led me poverty, uncertainty and questionable decisions. i want to appologize to everyone around me (some more than others) and start over, but that really isn't an option.
though, to say that the summer has been a loss would be remiss. many positive things have happened around me. i've met many new and wonderful people and placed myself in situations that can be nothing but positive influences in the future. the sweet homewreckers are in the best place we have been ever and are tighter and stronger for it. hamilton last night was a joy and i have nothing but hope for our future. my new living situation should be fantastic, and the quality of the people around me is improving at an amazing rate. i just wish i had the stability and dependability i had a few months ago. as quasi-glamourous as a life without direction is it isn't fulfilling. i feel far away from my family and friends, and that distance causes me stress. i feel like a characature of something i always thought i wanted to be. i should probably stop reading leonard cohen.
regardless, here i am and perhaps this is me turning over a new leaf, or at the very leaf acknowledging the old leaf exists. it's time to snap out of rock and roll and go back to nerd-dom. high self-confidence is cool, it just isn't really me.
i don't really have any idea what i'm doing with/to myself recently. everything kinda imploded on me as soon as summer started. what had become my regular life blew up in my face. without school, and my regular trip back to mommy and daddy for the summer (among other things) i was left straded in the unfamiliar, my reaction was some form of rock and roll self-destruction. self-destruction has led me poverty, uncertainty and questionable decisions. i want to appologize to everyone around me (some more than others) and start over, but that really isn't an option.
though, to say that the summer has been a loss would be remiss. many positive things have happened around me. i've met many new and wonderful people and placed myself in situations that can be nothing but positive influences in the future. the sweet homewreckers are in the best place we have been ever and are tighter and stronger for it. hamilton last night was a joy and i have nothing but hope for our future. my new living situation should be fantastic, and the quality of the people around me is improving at an amazing rate. i just wish i had the stability and dependability i had a few months ago. as quasi-glamourous as a life without direction is it isn't fulfilling. i feel far away from my family and friends, and that distance causes me stress. i feel like a characature of something i always thought i wanted to be. i should probably stop reading leonard cohen.
regardless, here i am and perhaps this is me turning over a new leaf, or at the very leaf acknowledging the old leaf exists. it's time to snap out of rock and roll and go back to nerd-dom. high self-confidence is cool, it just isn't really me.