(no subject)
today i just felt like doing things right.
but i didn't really do anything.
i ran.
for a little bit.
and worked on the latest.
and ate.
and just.
wished school was over.
and that i wasn't so fucked.
and.
i want to start over.
im overwhelmed.
and i don't know why.
and even if its what i think its from.
its pointless.
becuase i know i can get over those things like i have any other year.
and then i'll be ok until they start again about this time next year.
im bored with myself.
i really am.
maybe not so much bored as dispointed.
and as much as i want to reinvent myself-
i know its impossible.
at least it is for now.
i want more.
im selfish.
but i do.
i want.
to be comfortable.
its depressing, my mom made me realize this again today,
that all i can look forward to is a life of work.
i don't want that.
i keep thinking that after school it will get better.
im going to spend more than half my life.
working.
no adventures like i plan.
it will just be work.
in one subject.
and more patterns.
and more restrictions.
and im scared.
i am.
it doesn't seem like something i want to be looking forward to.
i'll get over it.
i have to.
thats all.
i have to.
im sure i'll find something i like that i can do for the rest of my life.
but.
don't you think it will get old.
and disapointing.
and i'll want something more.
but there won't be any options.
and i'll be stuck.
i can't stand these stupid entries.
they always sound so stupid.
and its not what i wanted to say.
and then i just sound.
like and idiot.
ass.
so i'll make it private.
or put it in my other one.
or maybe just delete it.
because its stupid.
and i care too much.
no one reads long ones anyway.
what do i really want to do.
i dunno.
if someone told me i could do anything i wanted right then and there.
what would i answer.
what do i really just want to do.
i think i'd want.
to get on a bus.
go and get off when i didn't think i felt like being on that bus anymore.
and i wouldn't tell a face.
and i wouldn't leave a clue.
and i'd want to meet new people.
and i'd want to not have to worry.
and just.
do that over and over and over.
and not have to worry.
and maybe i'd stop.
or maybe i'd come back.
and maybe i'd be content.
and maybe i'd have something to tell.
and maybe i'd be comfortable.
and maybe then
i could finally say something with meaning.
maybe i'd answer-
i want to swim in the kitchen.
but i didn't really do anything.
i ran.
for a little bit.
and worked on the latest.
and ate.
and just.
wished school was over.
and that i wasn't so fucked.
and.
i want to start over.
im overwhelmed.
and i don't know why.
and even if its what i think its from.
its pointless.
becuase i know i can get over those things like i have any other year.
and then i'll be ok until they start again about this time next year.
im bored with myself.
i really am.
maybe not so much bored as dispointed.
and as much as i want to reinvent myself-
i know its impossible.
at least it is for now.
i want more.
im selfish.
but i do.
i want.
to be comfortable.
its depressing, my mom made me realize this again today,
that all i can look forward to is a life of work.
i don't want that.
i keep thinking that after school it will get better.
im going to spend more than half my life.
working.
no adventures like i plan.
it will just be work.
in one subject.
and more patterns.
and more restrictions.
and im scared.
i am.
it doesn't seem like something i want to be looking forward to.
i'll get over it.
i have to.
thats all.
i have to.
im sure i'll find something i like that i can do for the rest of my life.
but.
don't you think it will get old.
and disapointing.
and i'll want something more.
but there won't be any options.
and i'll be stuck.
i can't stand these stupid entries.
they always sound so stupid.
and its not what i wanted to say.
and then i just sound.
like and idiot.
ass.
so i'll make it private.
or put it in my other one.
or maybe just delete it.
because its stupid.
and i care too much.
no one reads long ones anyway.
what do i really want to do.
i dunno.
if someone told me i could do anything i wanted right then and there.
what would i answer.
what do i really just want to do.
i think i'd want.
to get on a bus.
go and get off when i didn't think i felt like being on that bus anymore.
and i wouldn't tell a face.
and i wouldn't leave a clue.
and i'd want to meet new people.
and i'd want to not have to worry.
and just.
do that over and over and over.
and not have to worry.
and maybe i'd stop.
or maybe i'd come back.
and maybe i'd be content.
and maybe i'd have something to tell.
and maybe i'd be comfortable.
and maybe then
i could finally say something with meaning.
maybe i'd answer-
i want to swim in the kitchen.