don't look down
dear (you know who you are)
goodbye beautiful, i'll miss you. i really hope this is whats best for you (although, you know what i think, even if that doesnt matter anymore), and i hope the two of you are wrapped in love and bliss for as long as it can last {and if thats how it is, i hope it lasts a very long time}. best wishes and good luck, i'll always love you.
- jess
p.s. your not weak, and you never were a shell. you dont need anyone, so don't let that be your reason. your reason is, and should be, love and want. no ones trapped in anything. and i dont think hes a bad person, i know hes a great guy. so i hope this works.
*
I feel much better now, about everything. I feel content. it's not the fake, bubble world happy, but it'll do for now =). i still have a lot on my mind. i still go into my head a lot, but i think thats just who i am. i still get that turning, sick feeling in my stomach whenever i think about certain things, certain relationships. but i can deal with it.
im not tired anymore. i'd gotten so tired, i didnt see the point in dealing with anything. it was like, whats the point in trying to heal brief lives, people who will just fuck everything up again. whats the point of being involved with those people?
whats the point in entertaining a moth with all you have, when it just going to flutter towards a brighter light?
its just that though, isnt it? my life doesnt matter, really. no ones does. but no one just plays 1 role, of the best friend, or the lover, or the sister, or the teacher. they all have multiple roles in multiple lives, and the ultimate goal for everyone is to feel happy. and what i'd forgotten was, why that mattered. what it really felt like. it feels good.
most people don't remember what it feels like, which explains the drugs of our time. ecstacy is huge, along with cocaine. marijuanna is up there too. just things to make you feel good. because in the end, what else matters but those brief moments of feeling happy, that you collect like photos for an album that you can look through when your old and falling to peices.
i need a lot of new memories to sort through, ones that wont hurt. i need those happy's. i need every snapshot i can get my hands on.
i got a lot out there that had been building up. i'll organize those thoughts better another time. for now, thats good enough.
time to go make more new memories.