i didnt add bold and italics, but they could apply, so please mentally insert them where you like
ive got that pathetic feeling you get from being human. from knowing that no matter what, your only one millionth of the way there, on your vision of finding 'it'. the ultimate stage, that sublime enlightenment thats hiding behind each and every thing you touch and feel and taste and think up inside your shaken and confused, and most cripplingly earth bound mind. and it is a blurred vision, clouded by an infinate number of distractions. its not even a journey, because you have no fucking idea where to find it. and the feeling is this sick, pathetic, tiny feeling you get inside when you think about all the things your missing out on. that feeling that huddles inside your body, near your heart, under the ribs. but you have a (loose) grip on your conviction that you can find 'it', because if its possible for you to be killing yourself reaching out for this thing, then it must be there, somewhere, or there must at least be something like it (and you bet it's laughing at you. and if your someone who doesnt think so, then try to imagine an iceberg laughing with the voice of a kitten). and because you have this idea you end up feeling like a kid with an extra long skipping rope and no friends to play with. and theres your vision on the pavement, flopping uselessly as you stand there with a sunburned scalp and a frustrated expression. your cheeks tear streaked and stained with dirt. white running shoes sticking to the melting asphalt. and your friends somewhere above you, swimming and playing and just generally having a good time without you.
why cant i ever write more than a paragraph without it getting silly? that must be an influence of the distractions, the ones im so raw from. the ones that have me by the hair, and keep dragging me away from clear, potent thought the moment i take a step in the right direction. bits of an idea. little bits ive ripped off and tied up around my brain in the hopes i'll remember to come back for them, before im pulled away. flapping sadly outside the shell of crap that exists around my perception. blur.
i have this sinking feeling, and whats weighing it down is the thought that nearly no one else worries about this sort of thing. that no one else worries about not knowing whats going on, about not just reading and hearing and seeing and thinking but understanding. and through understanding, realizing. and im afraid that no one else is worried about not living long enough to get any farther than a collection of bits and no way of knowing how they go together. im afraid im going to end up going crazy and just sewing them all to one another in a ridiculous and motley excuse for a philosophy.
and sometimes i feel so frustrated by the mind im stuck with. there are people who i know can reason better, have more coherant logic, can think faster, and make connections, and can focus. think in ways i cant. they can, but they dont. which makes me wonder, are the things im thinking of worth worrying about? maybe they have already figured them out and have moved on to something else. theres the scariest bit. what if what im thinking of is simple to someone else. or what if there are a million different small realizations inside what im thinking, and no actual big one. what if theres no answer. what if im too dense and stuck inside my own little shell that not only can i not figure out the question, but there wont be an answer to it.
i wish i was capable of discussing this through acutally talking to someone, but whenever i try it all sounds so stupid, and i cant get the wording right. but all of what ive written there feels right. maybe i'll be able to find someone to talk to this about, eventually. maybe there is someone else who worries about the same things i do. i actually hope not though, because i bet they're going insane.
why cant i ever write more than a paragraph without it getting silly? that must be an influence of the distractions, the ones im so raw from. the ones that have me by the hair, and keep dragging me away from clear, potent thought the moment i take a step in the right direction. bits of an idea. little bits ive ripped off and tied up around my brain in the hopes i'll remember to come back for them, before im pulled away. flapping sadly outside the shell of crap that exists around my perception. blur.
i have this sinking feeling, and whats weighing it down is the thought that nearly no one else worries about this sort of thing. that no one else worries about not knowing whats going on, about not just reading and hearing and seeing and thinking but understanding. and through understanding, realizing. and im afraid that no one else is worried about not living long enough to get any farther than a collection of bits and no way of knowing how they go together. im afraid im going to end up going crazy and just sewing them all to one another in a ridiculous and motley excuse for a philosophy.
and sometimes i feel so frustrated by the mind im stuck with. there are people who i know can reason better, have more coherant logic, can think faster, and make connections, and can focus. think in ways i cant. they can, but they dont. which makes me wonder, are the things im thinking of worth worrying about? maybe they have already figured them out and have moved on to something else. theres the scariest bit. what if what im thinking of is simple to someone else. or what if there are a million different small realizations inside what im thinking, and no actual big one. what if theres no answer. what if im too dense and stuck inside my own little shell that not only can i not figure out the question, but there wont be an answer to it.
i wish i was capable of discussing this through acutally talking to someone, but whenever i try it all sounds so stupid, and i cant get the wording right. but all of what ive written there feels right. maybe i'll be able to find someone to talk to this about, eventually. maybe there is someone else who worries about the same things i do. i actually hope not though, because i bet they're going insane.