(no subject)
she closed her eyes.
it all came back to her. that time when she thought nothing but bad thoughts. during that time, she was alone. more alone that she had ever felt before. she felt so alone that she could feel her soul crawling, she could feel her skin crawling, she was ready to break. immediately she began to feel those feels again and all sense of goodness was swept from her. imediately she felt the coldness of the garage floor beneath her. the hurt in her chest. the idea of what she was about to do.
she opened her eyes.
she heard him speak.
she closed her eyes again.
i've been dependent on someone all my life. at every point in my life, i've needed someone else to bring me out. i have never been alone, unless it was that point. i dont want to go back to that point. i dont want to be alone. i can't stand the sense of feeling myself crawl, feeling myself scream, feeling like... that feeling. i hated it.
she opened her eyes.
she saw him sitting across from her.
she closed her eyes again.
"she's very clingy." Fuck you man, you apparently have never gotten laid and probably never will. stop. its your defense mechanism kicking in. am i too clingy? will i never be able to make it alone? i'm scared of that feeling. i'm scared of going back there. i'm scared of being alone. its the one thing that i'm scared of. most people are scared of death, but no, not me. i'm scared of being alone. the cold garage floor.
she opened her eyes.
she smiled at him. a smile will cover it all.
he saw right through it.
she closed her eyes again.
what am i doing? i have no self confidence, no sense of self at all. all i know is that i feel most alive around someone. i feel a live around him. i'm not clingy... am i? it hurts taht i can never be fully "independent" but what is independent? is it handling your shit on your own? is it going back to that stage and saying, hey that happened and i'm okay with it. no. i will never be okay with it. i will never just completely deal with it. it will never be a time of my life where i will say, hey that shit happened and guess what i'm alright with it. i will always fear it. always.
breathe.
hear his words.
everything is going to be okay.
i walked out today with a new sense of self. i always feel happier coming out but today i felt as if "hey i'm a sexy bitch".. there's no other way to describe that feeling but that. in life- shit happens. i've seen all sorts of shit happen to a lot of different people in my very short life. i've seen people that were beaten, people that were rapped, people that had an abortion, people that are victums (spelling?) of drunks, i've seen people that are dependent, people that think they have it all together, i've seen people crash, i've seen people die, i've seen the effects of people dying. i've seen a lot going on, probably more than i should have seen thus far in my life. or maybe not, maybe thats just the view i have now because i have no other view until i get older.
but my shit.
is growing up shit.
its strange that he said every 4 years we have another deep growing stage. that part, was four years ago. now, well, now is 4 years later. college. boyfriends. sports. deciding my life. making major decisions. god, all of it is happening all so fast. all of it is hard to deal with but you know what... i'm going to look back on this and say- that is a point in time where i have learned the most in my life.. the past 4 year interval was not as such... it was one that stuck my life and tore it in two... but it happens. things happen. unfortunate things happen. good things happen. such is life. such is the way life moves. and you've just got to take it as it comes. you've just got to keep your head up high and say... i'm going to beat the shit out of you life. hahah.. its a strange anaolgy... beating the shit out of life? but i see it as another challenge.... another curve ball getting thrown at me... another... 'hey lets see if you can handle this one'... much in the way that i see this lacrosse season 'hey lets see if you can prove to them that you deserve to play and be a kick as freshman, not a benched one'... but in this way i see life saying to me 'oh so you think you're tough, handle all this at once'... and guess what... like lacrosse.. i'm going to do it... BITCH!
haha.. i like having confidence in myself.
for a little while at least.
i need a shower, i stink from the gym.
talk to you later never never land.
it all came back to her. that time when she thought nothing but bad thoughts. during that time, she was alone. more alone that she had ever felt before. she felt so alone that she could feel her soul crawling, she could feel her skin crawling, she was ready to break. immediately she began to feel those feels again and all sense of goodness was swept from her. imediately she felt the coldness of the garage floor beneath her. the hurt in her chest. the idea of what she was about to do.
she opened her eyes.
she heard him speak.
she closed her eyes again.
i've been dependent on someone all my life. at every point in my life, i've needed someone else to bring me out. i have never been alone, unless it was that point. i dont want to go back to that point. i dont want to be alone. i can't stand the sense of feeling myself crawl, feeling myself scream, feeling like... that feeling. i hated it.
she opened her eyes.
she saw him sitting across from her.
she closed her eyes again.
"she's very clingy." Fuck you man, you apparently have never gotten laid and probably never will. stop. its your defense mechanism kicking in. am i too clingy? will i never be able to make it alone? i'm scared of that feeling. i'm scared of going back there. i'm scared of being alone. its the one thing that i'm scared of. most people are scared of death, but no, not me. i'm scared of being alone. the cold garage floor.
she opened her eyes.
she smiled at him. a smile will cover it all.
he saw right through it.
she closed her eyes again.
what am i doing? i have no self confidence, no sense of self at all. all i know is that i feel most alive around someone. i feel a live around him. i'm not clingy... am i? it hurts taht i can never be fully "independent" but what is independent? is it handling your shit on your own? is it going back to that stage and saying, hey that happened and i'm okay with it. no. i will never be okay with it. i will never just completely deal with it. it will never be a time of my life where i will say, hey that shit happened and guess what i'm alright with it. i will always fear it. always.
breathe.
hear his words.
everything is going to be okay.
i walked out today with a new sense of self. i always feel happier coming out but today i felt as if "hey i'm a sexy bitch".. there's no other way to describe that feeling but that. in life- shit happens. i've seen all sorts of shit happen to a lot of different people in my very short life. i've seen people that were beaten, people that were rapped, people that had an abortion, people that are victums (spelling?) of drunks, i've seen people that are dependent, people that think they have it all together, i've seen people crash, i've seen people die, i've seen the effects of people dying. i've seen a lot going on, probably more than i should have seen thus far in my life. or maybe not, maybe thats just the view i have now because i have no other view until i get older.
but my shit.
is growing up shit.
its strange that he said every 4 years we have another deep growing stage. that part, was four years ago. now, well, now is 4 years later. college. boyfriends. sports. deciding my life. making major decisions. god, all of it is happening all so fast. all of it is hard to deal with but you know what... i'm going to look back on this and say- that is a point in time where i have learned the most in my life.. the past 4 year interval was not as such... it was one that stuck my life and tore it in two... but it happens. things happen. unfortunate things happen. good things happen. such is life. such is the way life moves. and you've just got to take it as it comes. you've just got to keep your head up high and say... i'm going to beat the shit out of you life. hahah.. its a strange anaolgy... beating the shit out of life? but i see it as another challenge.... another curve ball getting thrown at me... another... 'hey lets see if you can handle this one'... much in the way that i see this lacrosse season 'hey lets see if you can prove to them that you deserve to play and be a kick as freshman, not a benched one'... but in this way i see life saying to me 'oh so you think you're tough, handle all this at once'... and guess what... like lacrosse.. i'm going to do it... BITCH!
haha.. i like having confidence in myself.
for a little while at least.
i need a shower, i stink from the gym.
talk to you later never never land.