(no subject)
i know i have no written in a while and i know there is a huge time gap in which i need to fill in details on this entry but i'm really sorry... i need to write about whats going on right now... explain my fustrations that are piling up all too quickly.
my life is full of restrictions.
i cannot take it anymore.
i've been going good until today.
everything today wasn't bad
just nothing went right
every little thing had a little problem
so i've been fustrated with everything all day.
but what is more important and the reason why i am writing and the underlying reason why i am so fustrated is because of my parents... i like to think particularly my mom.
she's killing me.
and i want to scream at her.
i love her, don't get me wrong, but she's ruining me and i'm keeping my mouth shut as best i can.
she embarrassed the fuck out of me and she doesn't even know it. long story short i was on my way to soccer and lauren brought up the conversation of what my mom said to her mom. and it was so embarrassing to hear. it obviously was about how my parents are so ridculously against me going away... meanwhile lauren's mom wants her to stay home but supports her in every decision she is making with the process. it got me so angry to hear from lauren the reasons that my mom came up with for why i can't go away to school. it got me so angry but more so... embarrassed as all hell. lauren just ekpt on saying to me "why doesn't your mom support you in your decisions... why is she holding back your life for stupid reasons" and i was dumbfounded... i couldn't speak... i can't escape it and i'm so upset.
my brother had helped the following day on the way home from the yankee game where i broke down into tears as i am right now... he told me even more things that my parents have been saying... and how my mom argued my brother for me not to have a later cerfew... my cerfew is 11.... and she won't make it to 12... i didn't bring that question up... i had asked one day- she didn't give it to me- i was mad, but lived with it... so my brother said he had brought it up... and then him and i talked about colleges... he made me cry when he said he'd help me in any which way that he could, including paying for applications and taking me to see whatever school i wanted to see, without a problem...
even today, i was telling lauren the story about how my brother had said all that stuff that made me feel so great and some of the team chimed in and once again i was so ridiculously embarrassed as they asked why my parents don't support me in my college decision and why i have an 11 oclock cerfew... for so long i've just swallowed it and kept going... and i'm so fustrated with it now.
i hate highschool
back track...i hate the people in high school... i love the "school" part of it..
thats so wrong and so bad, but its truely how i feel
i'm so done with the whole 'highschool scene'
i need to be 17 already because i still count on the hopes that maybe when i'm 17 some things will change.
as far as the college thing is concerned... i really have only 3 people behind me
lauren-
my brother- obviously
and santana.
my god thank god for santana today because i dont know what i would have done with the fustrations of today. he sent me a nice email and came on just now to see how i am feeling. he cares about me and he cares about my college decision an dmy fustrations and every little petty thing that i do in my life. sometimes he seems to be the only person that does care. and this sounds terrible but i feel like he cares more than my parents do. i just feel that way, i know my parents care because they wouldn't place these restrictions if they didn't care about me and my life and want to baby me. thats just the thing, they want to baby me for the rest of my life... i can't take it and i want to escape it...
i just want to melt and cry.
i can't talk about hte college thing with christian because i promised myself that i wouldn't bring up a touchey topic until i absolutely had to... i mean he has said that he's behind me in anything i do, even if its away from him..... thats more than what my mom said... and that hurts so ridiculously bad.
i'm alone. but not... but i feel it...
i'm so upset i can hardly explain it in words.
i need to finish my hw, christian will be home soon and i'll have some kind of relief
kinap me and take me to never neverland.
my life is full of restrictions.
i cannot take it anymore.
i've been going good until today.
everything today wasn't bad
just nothing went right
every little thing had a little problem
so i've been fustrated with everything all day.
but what is more important and the reason why i am writing and the underlying reason why i am so fustrated is because of my parents... i like to think particularly my mom.
she's killing me.
and i want to scream at her.
i love her, don't get me wrong, but she's ruining me and i'm keeping my mouth shut as best i can.
she embarrassed the fuck out of me and she doesn't even know it. long story short i was on my way to soccer and lauren brought up the conversation of what my mom said to her mom. and it was so embarrassing to hear. it obviously was about how my parents are so ridculously against me going away... meanwhile lauren's mom wants her to stay home but supports her in every decision she is making with the process. it got me so angry to hear from lauren the reasons that my mom came up with for why i can't go away to school. it got me so angry but more so... embarrassed as all hell. lauren just ekpt on saying to me "why doesn't your mom support you in your decisions... why is she holding back your life for stupid reasons" and i was dumbfounded... i couldn't speak... i can't escape it and i'm so upset.
my brother had helped the following day on the way home from the yankee game where i broke down into tears as i am right now... he told me even more things that my parents have been saying... and how my mom argued my brother for me not to have a later cerfew... my cerfew is 11.... and she won't make it to 12... i didn't bring that question up... i had asked one day- she didn't give it to me- i was mad, but lived with it... so my brother said he had brought it up... and then him and i talked about colleges... he made me cry when he said he'd help me in any which way that he could, including paying for applications and taking me to see whatever school i wanted to see, without a problem...
even today, i was telling lauren the story about how my brother had said all that stuff that made me feel so great and some of the team chimed in and once again i was so ridiculously embarrassed as they asked why my parents don't support me in my college decision and why i have an 11 oclock cerfew... for so long i've just swallowed it and kept going... and i'm so fustrated with it now.
i hate highschool
back track...i hate the people in high school... i love the "school" part of it..
thats so wrong and so bad, but its truely how i feel
i'm so done with the whole 'highschool scene'
i need to be 17 already because i still count on the hopes that maybe when i'm 17 some things will change.
as far as the college thing is concerned... i really have only 3 people behind me
lauren-
my brother- obviously
and santana.
my god thank god for santana today because i dont know what i would have done with the fustrations of today. he sent me a nice email and came on just now to see how i am feeling. he cares about me and he cares about my college decision an dmy fustrations and every little petty thing that i do in my life. sometimes he seems to be the only person that does care. and this sounds terrible but i feel like he cares more than my parents do. i just feel that way, i know my parents care because they wouldn't place these restrictions if they didn't care about me and my life and want to baby me. thats just the thing, they want to baby me for the rest of my life... i can't take it and i want to escape it...
i just want to melt and cry.
i can't talk about hte college thing with christian because i promised myself that i wouldn't bring up a touchey topic until i absolutely had to... i mean he has said that he's behind me in anything i do, even if its away from him..... thats more than what my mom said... and that hurts so ridiculously bad.
i'm alone. but not... but i feel it...
i'm so upset i can hardly explain it in words.
i need to finish my hw, christian will be home soon and i'll have some kind of relief
kinap me and take me to never neverland.