i've been bleed well from this old wound...
welllllll
i;m sorry i had to start my entry like that, i always start and finish the same way.
before i start the entry... i'm not listening to this song but i've had the lyrics stuck in my head... ALLL DAY....
"i've been bleeding well from this old wound-- cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new. sometimes eyes turn black, sometimes scars are tracks- but everytime you're gone, i wish that you'd come back. and everyone watched me waste myself and everyone cheered at last. all of them found it comforting its better its me then them. i think i'm doing well from what they say, if taking both my belts and shoe laces away. but i believe in luck, i think i do. i believe for sure, if ever i see you. i've been fanning flames from these old coals, feeding them with tender and hoping they will grow. i've been savoring what i can't hold, a blind belief in goodness-- that doesn't seem to show. i've been bleeding well from this old wound-- cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new...."- d|c
from the top
work:
work was the first thing i did today so lets talk about work.
work was very good today. it went rather smoothly. christopher had a new shirt on today. it was a light blue, which made light blue eyes stick out-- which killed me all day. i sware i turned and tooked and him a couple times today and i saw someone else. it was bad. i couldnt have a serious conversation with him-- well i could... but it was in the back of my mind...
so work went well.
then i came home and ate. ran. pool. showered.
and i was rather upset.
two things have been bothering me.
one i have absolutely no comment on becaue its a situation i have to just give to God to handle, it is out of my mortal capabilites and i have to just reluctantly receed and allow a greater power to handle the already coherent and objective problem.
as for the other one.
i wish i had the words to voice it.
about christian.
i love him but dont.
hate him but dont.
want to be his friend but dont.
want to marry him but dont.
miss him but dont.
and i could go on and on with the "but don't"s. it simply is not the time for him and i to be together and everytime i'm hanging out with him just as friends, i feel as if thats not what it is for him and i dont want to be toying with him feelings, i dont want to hurt him.. i dont want to drag him into soemthing only to tell him that i dont feel the same way. i dont want to be that tease to fall into the eternal pit of fire. i'm leaving soon, going away to college... its my senior year, i want to be single and be able to flirt with guys. its that simple. and having just a competely i want to say generic but thats not the word... a relationship that is not at all more than a friendship. we have too much of a history. too much love. too much hurt. to much anger. too much of it ALL in order to do that sometimes. and i think i am in the place where i can do that... but he is not. and i can't chance him, i can't make him so to say "act his age". ugh..
this ias a conversation that i need to deeply think about.
and write him back
because he wrote me an e-mail
and
has a poetry page up... about me.. (blantely said, for my ex-gf)
and is xanga... with an entry that is blantely writen to me..
it kindof hurts that he's doing this..
trying to get my attention
tho i want to give it to him....
i dont
but isn't that what this relationship apparently is about.. the "i dos" but "i can't" or the "i do" but "i dont"s..?
note the sarcasm in the line above...
on another note, i really miss santana. i had a dream about him doing stand-up at school the other night and i was laughing in my dream and woke up in a really good mood---- smiling...
maybe beacause i just reminded myself of him talknig to brady about him... hahahahahhahahah good times...
well yes, i miss erik willits again too.
i think about him just about every night.
maybe thats because his picture is up? and i saw dane cook comedy tonight?
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well. i pray for him daily.
he's such a good guy.
man i need one like him.
oh and yes... tonight...
reilly came over and we watched part of constantine and talked and he made me feel a lot better about everything.. i can turn to him (when michelle isn't here) and i know he's always willing to come down the block and spend some time with me to make sure i'm still sane.
thats rather comforting to know.
what you may find pretty comical is that i've come to the conclusion that my parents actually LOVE sean. thats a ROUGH thing to get... especially my dad... my dad usually HATES every guy that comes to my house, but for some reason... he LOVES sean. Sean left around 11:40... and my dad asked him why he wasn't staying later!!! did you read that, he asked
WHY HE WASN'T STAYING LATER
crazy crazy. and yeah i already know my mom loves him because yeah my mom told me that... thats good to know right... my buddyyyyy
other than that.
everything is pretty much the same.
mom and i are going to try to meet up with Joanna and Linda McKasty tomorrow to go to the beach... which would be really fun... i could get my thoughts together about the letter to christian and spend some time with Joanna... man i remember about 4 summers ago... i was at Joanna's on the beach just about every night... and i spend HOURS upon HOURS with her and never get tired of her...
oh now i miss her!!
well
goodnight never never land.!
i;m sorry i had to start my entry like that, i always start and finish the same way.
before i start the entry... i'm not listening to this song but i've had the lyrics stuck in my head... ALLL DAY....
"i've been bleeding well from this old wound-- cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new. sometimes eyes turn black, sometimes scars are tracks- but everytime you're gone, i wish that you'd come back. and everyone watched me waste myself and everyone cheered at last. all of them found it comforting its better its me then them. i think i'm doing well from what they say, if taking both my belts and shoe laces away. but i believe in luck, i think i do. i believe for sure, if ever i see you. i've been fanning flames from these old coals, feeding them with tender and hoping they will grow. i've been savoring what i can't hold, a blind belief in goodness-- that doesn't seem to show. i've been bleeding well from this old wound-- cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new...."- d|c
from the top
work:
work was the first thing i did today so lets talk about work.
work was very good today. it went rather smoothly. christopher had a new shirt on today. it was a light blue, which made light blue eyes stick out-- which killed me all day. i sware i turned and tooked and him a couple times today and i saw someone else. it was bad. i couldnt have a serious conversation with him-- well i could... but it was in the back of my mind...
so work went well.
then i came home and ate. ran. pool. showered.
and i was rather upset.
two things have been bothering me.
one i have absolutely no comment on becaue its a situation i have to just give to God to handle, it is out of my mortal capabilites and i have to just reluctantly receed and allow a greater power to handle the already coherent and objective problem.
as for the other one.
i wish i had the words to voice it.
about christian.
i love him but dont.
hate him but dont.
want to be his friend but dont.
want to marry him but dont.
miss him but dont.
and i could go on and on with the "but don't"s. it simply is not the time for him and i to be together and everytime i'm hanging out with him just as friends, i feel as if thats not what it is for him and i dont want to be toying with him feelings, i dont want to hurt him.. i dont want to drag him into soemthing only to tell him that i dont feel the same way. i dont want to be that tease to fall into the eternal pit of fire. i'm leaving soon, going away to college... its my senior year, i want to be single and be able to flirt with guys. its that simple. and having just a competely i want to say generic but thats not the word... a relationship that is not at all more than a friendship. we have too much of a history. too much love. too much hurt. to much anger. too much of it ALL in order to do that sometimes. and i think i am in the place where i can do that... but he is not. and i can't chance him, i can't make him so to say "act his age". ugh..
this ias a conversation that i need to deeply think about.
and write him back
because he wrote me an e-mail
and
has a poetry page up... about me.. (blantely said, for my ex-gf)
and is xanga... with an entry that is blantely writen to me..
it kindof hurts that he's doing this..
trying to get my attention
tho i want to give it to him....
i dont
but isn't that what this relationship apparently is about.. the "i dos" but "i can't" or the "i do" but "i dont"s..?
note the sarcasm in the line above...
on another note, i really miss santana. i had a dream about him doing stand-up at school the other night and i was laughing in my dream and woke up in a really good mood---- smiling...
maybe beacause i just reminded myself of him talknig to brady about him... hahahahahhahahah good times...
well yes, i miss erik willits again too.
i think about him just about every night.
maybe thats because his picture is up? and i saw dane cook comedy tonight?
ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh well. i pray for him daily.
he's such a good guy.
man i need one like him.
oh and yes... tonight...
reilly came over and we watched part of constantine and talked and he made me feel a lot better about everything.. i can turn to him (when michelle isn't here) and i know he's always willing to come down the block and spend some time with me to make sure i'm still sane.
thats rather comforting to know.
what you may find pretty comical is that i've come to the conclusion that my parents actually LOVE sean. thats a ROUGH thing to get... especially my dad... my dad usually HATES every guy that comes to my house, but for some reason... he LOVES sean. Sean left around 11:40... and my dad asked him why he wasn't staying later!!! did you read that, he asked
WHY HE WASN'T STAYING LATER
crazy crazy. and yeah i already know my mom loves him because yeah my mom told me that... thats good to know right... my buddyyyyy
other than that.
everything is pretty much the same.
mom and i are going to try to meet up with Joanna and Linda McKasty tomorrow to go to the beach... which would be really fun... i could get my thoughts together about the letter to christian and spend some time with Joanna... man i remember about 4 summers ago... i was at Joanna's on the beach just about every night... and i spend HOURS upon HOURS with her and never get tired of her...
oh now i miss her!!
well
goodnight never never land.!