I sat alone and waited out the night
I met up with my friend Amanda for lunch at ABC. It was good to see her. It was even better to see her because she looked genuinely happy. The first things she said to me when I saw her was, "Oh my god, you look so cute." My self esteem, which has been on borderline of breaking lately, was instantly brought up again. I hope she said that because I have changed so much from the girl that I used to be a year ago; I hope that I have changed into a stronger, smarter, and somehow kinder girl. And a big part of me hopes that those changes had reflected somehow outwardly. Lunch was nice, though I didn't eat very much. I was having too good of a time bashing on exboyfriends and raising new ones on goldon platforms with Amanda. At one point, she said to me, "It is like we had the same exboyfriend". And we both laughed. It was so good to get some things off of my chest to her, and have her understand. It was good to go out with someone who knows you already, therefore completely extinguishing any of the awkward small talk of getting to know someone at first. So nice to be with someone who already knows you're a dork, and not only loves it about you, but is also self proclaimed. Part of me wishes that I could bring Amanda with me, because I know that if given the chance, we would be the best of friends.
Speaking of best friends, I sent Heather some text messages while she was at the beach, wishing her a good time and telling her to call me when she got home. Well... she got home on Saturday and she hasn't even tryed to get in contact with me. Not only that, but she won't answer my IM's when I ask her if she has some of my stuff that I need before I leave for school. Or anything else regarding the question of if she is mad at me. I guess she probably has a riff with me because I backed out on going to the beach with her, but honestly, I am glad I didn't. Not that I didn't want to spend a week with her, but because of the insane preperation that I had to go through this week while packing everything away. But it's funny, because I'm crying over there. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow (well, actually tomorrow, now, since it's almost 3 in the morning of Wednesday), and of all the people who have called me and wanted to see me before I left, my best friend wasn't one of them. Just that statement alone rips me open like a knife. So I guess this is it... and I guess it was her decision. Here is where our paths devide. I guess 2ge+her put it the best. "The hardest part of breaking up, is getting back your stuff".
I have so much junk to take along to college, I don't know if it all will fit in the van. Fuck.
Amanda and I were at Micheal's today, just looking through stuff and commenting how we wish we were crafty or had time to be crafty. She asked me how I could stand my boyfriend the whole way across the country. I didn't know how to answer it at first. All I know is that I kept saying, "It's hard, it's hard. Sometimes you feel like you are losing grip on the only little things that you have to hold you together." In all honesty, it is very hard to have Aaron in California. Thank god I don't have a trust issue, or I would be killing myself with the constant wonder of "who is he with, where is with, I need a check up every 5 minutes of where you are and..." But, I trust him completely, and I mean that. The part that jerks my heart strings the most is just knowing that I won't get to see that smile tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. And I won't get to tell him, or show him, how much I care about him tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. I wish I could do all those things for him, and I wish I could see his face more often than every couple of months. But that's how the world turns.
It doesn't falter the way that I feel about him, but only makes it stronger. However it does stretch out the process of knowing. For instance, I just recently know about his ticklish spots, and I just recently know what it's like to have security in those arms. I still don't know how he lives everyday life, and I don't know what life will be like with him actually living in it. I don't know what he does in his spare time, or his bad habits. All those things come with time... and time + waiting = my enemy and most dredded combination. Especially with relationships.
I'm so lonely for his arms right now, it's pathetic.
I am trying to remember the sounds of home. I layed on my bed for hours and closed my eyes, listening to everything that happened and trying to remember it all. I wonder if this will ever be home again like it is now. And I figure, probably not. I find it funny how I took advantage of so many things, and now that time is running out to remember those little things, I all of a sudden want to cling to them.
I used to be so easily ready to forget things. I used to push them aside and act like they never existed. And with people, I still do. It's bad habit, but if people refuse to step up to plate, I refuse to throw any pitches. As for the Heather situation, I won't say anything bad about her, but if she doesn't call or make an effort to at least say goodbye to me before I leave, I'll fall back into bad habit and forget about her. I probably would've anyway. I shed my tears over it but I won't let it bring me down. I can put it in the past and move on - I've done it before. But things like... home. Home I can't give up so easily. I can't forget that it hurts to leave here and it hurts even more to come back. It's tough love, and it's a tough love I can't forget or even pretend to. I will be crying in my bed at college many nights after my mom and dad leave before the pain will numb. Aaron. Aaron I can't forget. After he left Pennsylvania, it still stung, and still does sting, because he's not here. I can't pretend it doesn't.. I have to let the feeling subside, but it always rises again, and the tears of the hurt still come.
I'm so scared. I don't know of what yet. Maybe I'm scared of not knowing. I'm scared of leaving home even though I know that if I fail, I can always come back. I'm scared of not applying myself, because every one says they will at the beginning of the year but slack off anyways. I'm scared because most of my life is packed in boxes. I'm scared I'll miss my family too much, cave in, and come home. I'm scared I won't have enough money, for anything, becuase I'm scared I won't get a job. I'm scared because I don't know... anything secure about college and it makes me uneasy. So I cry in the dark and try to hold onto things familiar. I want this night to be over.
Speaking of best friends, I sent Heather some text messages while she was at the beach, wishing her a good time and telling her to call me when she got home. Well... she got home on Saturday and she hasn't even tryed to get in contact with me. Not only that, but she won't answer my IM's when I ask her if she has some of my stuff that I need before I leave for school. Or anything else regarding the question of if she is mad at me. I guess she probably has a riff with me because I backed out on going to the beach with her, but honestly, I am glad I didn't. Not that I didn't want to spend a week with her, but because of the insane preperation that I had to go through this week while packing everything away. But it's funny, because I'm crying over there. I'm leaving the day after tomorrow (well, actually tomorrow, now, since it's almost 3 in the morning of Wednesday), and of all the people who have called me and wanted to see me before I left, my best friend wasn't one of them. Just that statement alone rips me open like a knife. So I guess this is it... and I guess it was her decision. Here is where our paths devide. I guess 2ge+her put it the best. "The hardest part of breaking up, is getting back your stuff".
I have so much junk to take along to college, I don't know if it all will fit in the van. Fuck.
Amanda and I were at Micheal's today, just looking through stuff and commenting how we wish we were crafty or had time to be crafty. She asked me how I could stand my boyfriend the whole way across the country. I didn't know how to answer it at first. All I know is that I kept saying, "It's hard, it's hard. Sometimes you feel like you are losing grip on the only little things that you have to hold you together." In all honesty, it is very hard to have Aaron in California. Thank god I don't have a trust issue, or I would be killing myself with the constant wonder of "who is he with, where is with, I need a check up every 5 minutes of where you are and..." But, I trust him completely, and I mean that. The part that jerks my heart strings the most is just knowing that I won't get to see that smile tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. And I won't get to tell him, or show him, how much I care about him tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. I wish I could do all those things for him, and I wish I could see his face more often than every couple of months. But that's how the world turns.
It doesn't falter the way that I feel about him, but only makes it stronger. However it does stretch out the process of knowing. For instance, I just recently know about his ticklish spots, and I just recently know what it's like to have security in those arms. I still don't know how he lives everyday life, and I don't know what life will be like with him actually living in it. I don't know what he does in his spare time, or his bad habits. All those things come with time... and time + waiting = my enemy and most dredded combination. Especially with relationships.
I'm so lonely for his arms right now, it's pathetic.
I am trying to remember the sounds of home. I layed on my bed for hours and closed my eyes, listening to everything that happened and trying to remember it all. I wonder if this will ever be home again like it is now. And I figure, probably not. I find it funny how I took advantage of so many things, and now that time is running out to remember those little things, I all of a sudden want to cling to them.
I used to be so easily ready to forget things. I used to push them aside and act like they never existed. And with people, I still do. It's bad habit, but if people refuse to step up to plate, I refuse to throw any pitches. As for the Heather situation, I won't say anything bad about her, but if she doesn't call or make an effort to at least say goodbye to me before I leave, I'll fall back into bad habit and forget about her. I probably would've anyway. I shed my tears over it but I won't let it bring me down. I can put it in the past and move on - I've done it before. But things like... home. Home I can't give up so easily. I can't forget that it hurts to leave here and it hurts even more to come back. It's tough love, and it's a tough love I can't forget or even pretend to. I will be crying in my bed at college many nights after my mom and dad leave before the pain will numb. Aaron. Aaron I can't forget. After he left Pennsylvania, it still stung, and still does sting, because he's not here. I can't pretend it doesn't.. I have to let the feeling subside, but it always rises again, and the tears of the hurt still come.
I'm so scared. I don't know of what yet. Maybe I'm scared of not knowing. I'm scared of leaving home even though I know that if I fail, I can always come back. I'm scared of not applying myself, because every one says they will at the beginning of the year but slack off anyways. I'm scared because most of my life is packed in boxes. I'm scared I'll miss my family too much, cave in, and come home. I'm scared I won't have enough money, for anything, becuase I'm scared I won't get a job. I'm scared because I don't know... anything secure about college and it makes me uneasy. So I cry in the dark and try to hold onto things familiar. I want this night to be over.