(no subject)
Today has been the creepiest day ever. It was the kind of day that entertains so many conflicting emotions that at the end of it all, you don't know what to think or feel. I'd like to think I had a good day.
And I did, it was just delicious! Tonight, the ride home was incredible. Tonight was the first time I felt completely INFINITE since the last time I felt that with you. Tonight, I was me. All me. and I felt good. Not proud or vain, but honest and certain. Tonight, in the convertible.. with the wind hugging every single strand of my shiny straight hair, with it brushing my cheeks and filling my lungs.. with the noise in my ears, with the song in my head and the words in my mouth.. tonight with the stars in my sky and the lights in my eyes, with the smiles on their faces and the goosebumps on my skin, I felt like me. I felt like Gaby. I felt free.
I didn't think about you.. About how you screwed me over; About how I want to be past this more than anything; About how I have to conciously tell myself, remind myself to NOT think about the times you made me happy or the times I had butterflies or the times I held your hand so tightly I thought I'd break your fingers. Tonight I was over you for a few hours.
And I mean I'm not gonna lie, I am getting over you.
And I won't lie, it's a LOT easier than I thought it would be. But smiling only forces me to be happy for so long. When the night sky rolls over my head, when the sun lies down to rest, it's harder to let you go. Maybe that's a lie. It's hard to let the thought of you go. Honestly, you weren't perfect. I knew that. You knew that. Everyone knew that. Honestly, I didn't want you for forever. I didn't want to marry you. I didn't even want you through college. The thing I wanted was that someone.. that someone i could think about the moments before I fall asleep, and who would think about me; that someone to give me his sweaters so I could smell him always, who would want to call me, who would kiss me and make me laugh and let his guard down. I wanted that someone to take me to prom, to take me out on dates, invite me to meet his family, friends, his life. I wanted that someone to hold my hand, to hold me close when I needed to be held.
I know you weren't him.
I knew you weren't him.
I know I won't get him for a very long time. But I couldn't stop myself from hoping. I couldn't stop my hands from folding and my heart from praying that you would be that someone. I just couldn't.
I couldn't help myself from breathing you in every chance I got, every hug. Or from shutting my eyes tighttighttight and falling into you every single time we kissed, every kiss.
I can't help myself from thinking about you,
but I'm trying. I don't want to lie to you, this hurts. It still hurts.
I don't want you, but it hurts.
I see you and you're fine. I see you and you laugh and smile and joke around with your friends. And "our" friends seem to be moving along fine without me. You are moving along fine without me. But I'd expect that from you. You weren't the one to fall in to the kisses, or to crave my perfume, or to hold me closecloseclose.
Yesterday, I got into A&M University's College of Veterinary Medicine & Biomedical Sciences. [im PUMPED!]
Check that box off my list of goals.
I realized that when we move far away from eachother, when you stop thinking about me for good and when I think about you much less frequently than now, we'll be different people. We won't be in eachothers' lives anymore. We'll be dead to eachother. And I know this will happen, it always happens.
It happened with Ramon, and with Eric, and with Marc.
It will happen with you.
With the exception of one, I wish somehow that didn't happen with those other boys. I wish it wouldn't happen with you. I wish we didn't have to lose contact and grow our separate ways. I wish I could see you for the rest of my life. I want to see who you turn in to. I want to see what you become, who you marry, your children, I want to see you old and grey and lived and satisfied.
Last weekend I kissed somebody. I kissed him because I was drunk and I wanted you to be there to kiss me like you used to. But that boy, the one whom I kissed, he didn't kiss like you at all. I didn't like his kisses. I didn't. They weren't yours. It wasn't desperation that drove me to kiss back, but curiosity. I wanted to fill a gap. End result: the gap wasn't filled and I felt stupid and awkward afterward.
This is my heart and mind in pixel form.
I hope you enjoyed.
Please, don't be cruel.
And I did, it was just delicious! Tonight, the ride home was incredible. Tonight was the first time I felt completely INFINITE since the last time I felt that with you. Tonight, I was me. All me. and I felt good. Not proud or vain, but honest and certain. Tonight, in the convertible.. with the wind hugging every single strand of my shiny straight hair, with it brushing my cheeks and filling my lungs.. with the noise in my ears, with the song in my head and the words in my mouth.. tonight with the stars in my sky and the lights in my eyes, with the smiles on their faces and the goosebumps on my skin, I felt like me. I felt like Gaby. I felt free.
I didn't think about you.. About how you screwed me over; About how I want to be past this more than anything; About how I have to conciously tell myself, remind myself to NOT think about the times you made me happy or the times I had butterflies or the times I held your hand so tightly I thought I'd break your fingers. Tonight I was over you for a few hours.
And I mean I'm not gonna lie, I am getting over you.
And I won't lie, it's a LOT easier than I thought it would be. But smiling only forces me to be happy for so long. When the night sky rolls over my head, when the sun lies down to rest, it's harder to let you go. Maybe that's a lie. It's hard to let the thought of you go. Honestly, you weren't perfect. I knew that. You knew that. Everyone knew that. Honestly, I didn't want you for forever. I didn't want to marry you. I didn't even want you through college. The thing I wanted was that someone.. that someone i could think about the moments before I fall asleep, and who would think about me; that someone to give me his sweaters so I could smell him always, who would want to call me, who would kiss me and make me laugh and let his guard down. I wanted that someone to take me to prom, to take me out on dates, invite me to meet his family, friends, his life. I wanted that someone to hold my hand, to hold me close when I needed to be held.
I know you weren't him.
I knew you weren't him.
I know I won't get him for a very long time. But I couldn't stop myself from hoping. I couldn't stop my hands from folding and my heart from praying that you would be that someone. I just couldn't.
I couldn't help myself from breathing you in every chance I got, every hug. Or from shutting my eyes tighttighttight and falling into you every single time we kissed, every kiss.
I can't help myself from thinking about you,
but I'm trying. I don't want to lie to you, this hurts. It still hurts.
I don't want you, but it hurts.
I see you and you're fine. I see you and you laugh and smile and joke around with your friends. And "our" friends seem to be moving along fine without me. You are moving along fine without me. But I'd expect that from you. You weren't the one to fall in to the kisses, or to crave my perfume, or to hold me closecloseclose.
Yesterday, I got into A&M University's College of Veterinary Medicine & Biomedical Sciences. [im PUMPED!]
Check that box off my list of goals.
I realized that when we move far away from eachother, when you stop thinking about me for good and when I think about you much less frequently than now, we'll be different people. We won't be in eachothers' lives anymore. We'll be dead to eachother. And I know this will happen, it always happens.
It happened with Ramon, and with Eric, and with Marc.
It will happen with you.
With the exception of one, I wish somehow that didn't happen with those other boys. I wish it wouldn't happen with you. I wish we didn't have to lose contact and grow our separate ways. I wish I could see you for the rest of my life. I want to see who you turn in to. I want to see what you become, who you marry, your children, I want to see you old and grey and lived and satisfied.
Last weekend I kissed somebody. I kissed him because I was drunk and I wanted you to be there to kiss me like you used to. But that boy, the one whom I kissed, he didn't kiss like you at all. I didn't like his kisses. I didn't. They weren't yours. It wasn't desperation that drove me to kiss back, but curiosity. I wanted to fill a gap. End result: the gap wasn't filled and I felt stupid and awkward afterward.
This is my heart and mind in pixel form.
I hope you enjoyed.
Please, don't be cruel.