Focusing In: Grey's Anatomy
Title: Focusing In
Author: blueeyelinerx
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1202
Pairing/Character: Derek...reflecting upon Meredith and Addison
Summary: Because, before Addison turned his whole world upside down, before Seattle and its ferry boats, before Derek became a cast member in a real life soap opera, he used to scoff at men in his position.
Spoilers/Warnings: Just to be safe, up until 2x12.
Derek's favorite picture of her is one in which she is not even the subject.
It is actually of him and the Chief, looking debonair and much like trouble in suits and ties and goofy grins at a charity event the hospital had been sponsoring. The photographer had been slightly tipsy when she took the picture and, as a result, it is not centered and terribly unfocused. In fact, it is a horrible picture. Derek, when first seeing it, had to squint to figure out who he was even standing next to. He should have deleted it immediately when he loaded the digital pictures onto his computer. Instead, he saved it under a false name in an innocuous folder and committed it to memory, all because Meredith takes up most of the background and she is clearly in focus.
And she is the reason that Derek loves the photo.
The irony that Addison is the photographer of his favorite picture of Meredith is not lost upon Derek. Sometimes, on bad days, all he has to do is think about this small fact and the ridiculousness of the entire situation will make him smile. And on extremely bad days, it can even make him laugh out loud.
Because, no matter what, the situation is comical. Comical not in the way that the situation is actually funny but in the way that it is so ludicrous and involved that sometimes all one can do is laugh. Derek's days are full of awkward surgeries, awkward elevator rides, and awkward looks - all of which Derek hates. Because, before Addison turned his whole world upside down, before Seattle and its ferry boats, before Derek became a cast member in a real life soap opera, he used to scoff at men in his position. Men who were caught between two women, who needed to make a choice and couldn't, who waffled and debated and caused everyone involved a great deal of misery were not men Derek could understand. Derek couldn't understand how anyone could be torn between two people, couldn't fathom what the problem was. Surely, he would think to himself, surely you must want one person more than the other. Surely, somewhere deep down inside, something must be tugging you towards one person over the other. It is hard enough to fall in love with one person and make it work, so falling in love with two people at the same time - real love, rest-of-your life love - must be impossible and therefore, Derek would reason to himself, the choice had to be obvious on some level.
Derek knows better now.
He understands that it is not simply a matter of loving one person more than the other. That there is no tug that helps you decide. Derek finally gets that the reason people feel torn in situations such as his is because it's different.
Different because one woman is comfort and security and the other is new and intriguing and both appeal to you. One woman is the cold night air and the other is the warm summer breeze. One woman is your favorite taste and the other is your favorite smell. One woman has broken your heart and the other has helped mend it. One woman is your history and your past and you just aren't sure if you want to make her your present and future. One woman is your possibilities, your what-ifs, your almosts and you just aren't sure if almost counts.
Derek never considered that waffling and debating and stalling might really be a cry for help, for someone else to make the decision. Because when all the thinking is over and the decision is made, someone's heart will break.
And no one wants to cause that kind of pain.
Derek likes that the clandestine actions associated with the picture suit his interaction with the subject. Simply put, he is no longer allowed to focus upon Meredith. Addison has made sure of this and Bailey has made sure of this and he himself knows this - but every once in a while, he cannot help but steal a glance.
He doesn’t actually need the physical picture to take a glance. It is burned into his memory, every detail of the blurred edges and the fuzzy subjects and the surprisingly focused background. Meredith wore a pale green dress that night. It clung in all the right places to her slender body, accentuating with it’s high cut and low back, strange things like Meredith’s clavicle and her spine, body parts only a doctor would find sexy. Her blonde hair was swept back in an elegant french twist as she gracefully accepted an achievement award for her absent mother, many of whom still believed was traveling or writing a new book or whatever lie Meredith was spouting that night. Small, demure earrings dangled from her ears and a solitary bracelet hung from her left wrist. Her big eyes were framed by a single coat of mascara and a hint of eyeshadow colored her eyelids. She looked stunningly beautiful and everybody in the room seemed taken with her as they came over to offer notes of congratulations to be passed on to her mother.
That night, Derek was only one to notice that her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes and her words were automatic and forced.
In his picture, his very favorite picture that is labeled “Joe’s CAT scan” in a folder marked “neurology notes”, Meredith is sitting at a table. She holds a half full martini glass in her hand. She is gazing at the martini as if it holds all the answers, as if it can tell her how to fix everything. For her face holds an expression of someone who has just lost everything and has just realized it is not coming back. Her eyes are wide and peridot green. Silvery tears are pooled at the edges, catching on her jet black lashes and threatening to spill over onto her pale, pristine cheeks. There are people laughing in the chairs next to her and a couple sharing a kiss can be seen just behind her. Happiness and movement and life can be seen everywhere in the picture, even if it is slightly blurry and unfocused. Except for Meredith.
Meredith is in perfect focus. But she is still and quiet and frozen for a moment in time. Because despite her pretty dress and beautiful hair and perfect makeup, Meredith is broken.
And Derek knows he broke her.
He keeps the picture around to remind himself what an awful responsibility it is to be an adult. To remind himself what an awful feeling it is to know that your actions caused such heartache and pain. To remind himself how blatantly wrong he was to think deciding between two women would be an easy thing to do. How wrong he was to think that having two women want you must be such fun and games. He keeps the picture around to remind himself that in the end, someone always gets hurt.
But mostly, he keeps the picture around to remind himself that, sometimes when you least expect it, people have a funny way of becoming a focus.
Author: blueeyelinerx
Rating: PG
Word Count: 1202
Pairing/Character: Derek...reflecting upon Meredith and Addison
Summary: Because, before Addison turned his whole world upside down, before Seattle and its ferry boats, before Derek became a cast member in a real life soap opera, he used to scoff at men in his position.
Spoilers/Warnings: Just to be safe, up until 2x12.
Derek's favorite picture of her is one in which she is not even the subject.
It is actually of him and the Chief, looking debonair and much like trouble in suits and ties and goofy grins at a charity event the hospital had been sponsoring. The photographer had been slightly tipsy when she took the picture and, as a result, it is not centered and terribly unfocused. In fact, it is a horrible picture. Derek, when first seeing it, had to squint to figure out who he was even standing next to. He should have deleted it immediately when he loaded the digital pictures onto his computer. Instead, he saved it under a false name in an innocuous folder and committed it to memory, all because Meredith takes up most of the background and she is clearly in focus.
And she is the reason that Derek loves the photo.
The irony that Addison is the photographer of his favorite picture of Meredith is not lost upon Derek. Sometimes, on bad days, all he has to do is think about this small fact and the ridiculousness of the entire situation will make him smile. And on extremely bad days, it can even make him laugh out loud.
Because, no matter what, the situation is comical. Comical not in the way that the situation is actually funny but in the way that it is so ludicrous and involved that sometimes all one can do is laugh. Derek's days are full of awkward surgeries, awkward elevator rides, and awkward looks - all of which Derek hates. Because, before Addison turned his whole world upside down, before Seattle and its ferry boats, before Derek became a cast member in a real life soap opera, he used to scoff at men in his position. Men who were caught between two women, who needed to make a choice and couldn't, who waffled and debated and caused everyone involved a great deal of misery were not men Derek could understand. Derek couldn't understand how anyone could be torn between two people, couldn't fathom what the problem was. Surely, he would think to himself, surely you must want one person more than the other. Surely, somewhere deep down inside, something must be tugging you towards one person over the other. It is hard enough to fall in love with one person and make it work, so falling in love with two people at the same time - real love, rest-of-your life love - must be impossible and therefore, Derek would reason to himself, the choice had to be obvious on some level.
Derek knows better now.
He understands that it is not simply a matter of loving one person more than the other. That there is no tug that helps you decide. Derek finally gets that the reason people feel torn in situations such as his is because it's different.
Different because one woman is comfort and security and the other is new and intriguing and both appeal to you. One woman is the cold night air and the other is the warm summer breeze. One woman is your favorite taste and the other is your favorite smell. One woman has broken your heart and the other has helped mend it. One woman is your history and your past and you just aren't sure if you want to make her your present and future. One woman is your possibilities, your what-ifs, your almosts and you just aren't sure if almost counts.
Derek never considered that waffling and debating and stalling might really be a cry for help, for someone else to make the decision. Because when all the thinking is over and the decision is made, someone's heart will break.
And no one wants to cause that kind of pain.
Derek likes that the clandestine actions associated with the picture suit his interaction with the subject. Simply put, he is no longer allowed to focus upon Meredith. Addison has made sure of this and Bailey has made sure of this and he himself knows this - but every once in a while, he cannot help but steal a glance.
He doesn’t actually need the physical picture to take a glance. It is burned into his memory, every detail of the blurred edges and the fuzzy subjects and the surprisingly focused background. Meredith wore a pale green dress that night. It clung in all the right places to her slender body, accentuating with it’s high cut and low back, strange things like Meredith’s clavicle and her spine, body parts only a doctor would find sexy. Her blonde hair was swept back in an elegant french twist as she gracefully accepted an achievement award for her absent mother, many of whom still believed was traveling or writing a new book or whatever lie Meredith was spouting that night. Small, demure earrings dangled from her ears and a solitary bracelet hung from her left wrist. Her big eyes were framed by a single coat of mascara and a hint of eyeshadow colored her eyelids. She looked stunningly beautiful and everybody in the room seemed taken with her as they came over to offer notes of congratulations to be passed on to her mother.
That night, Derek was only one to notice that her smile didn’t quite reach her eyes and her words were automatic and forced.
In his picture, his very favorite picture that is labeled “Joe’s CAT scan” in a folder marked “neurology notes”, Meredith is sitting at a table. She holds a half full martini glass in her hand. She is gazing at the martini as if it holds all the answers, as if it can tell her how to fix everything. For her face holds an expression of someone who has just lost everything and has just realized it is not coming back. Her eyes are wide and peridot green. Silvery tears are pooled at the edges, catching on her jet black lashes and threatening to spill over onto her pale, pristine cheeks. There are people laughing in the chairs next to her and a couple sharing a kiss can be seen just behind her. Happiness and movement and life can be seen everywhere in the picture, even if it is slightly blurry and unfocused. Except for Meredith.
Meredith is in perfect focus. But she is still and quiet and frozen for a moment in time. Because despite her pretty dress and beautiful hair and perfect makeup, Meredith is broken.
And Derek knows he broke her.
He keeps the picture around to remind himself what an awful responsibility it is to be an adult. To remind himself what an awful feeling it is to know that your actions caused such heartache and pain. To remind himself how blatantly wrong he was to think deciding between two women would be an easy thing to do. How wrong he was to think that having two women want you must be such fun and games. He keeps the picture around to remind himself that in the end, someone always gets hurt.
But mostly, he keeps the picture around to remind himself that, sometimes when you least expect it, people have a funny way of becoming a focus.