the clothes i wore just don't fit my soul anymore: vampire diaries
Title: the clothes I wore just don't fit my soul anymore
Author: blueeyelinerx
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/Characters: Elena centric, Damon/Elena, Caroline, Bonnie, Jeremy, Alaric, Jenna, Stefan, Katherine
Word Count: 6468
Summary: “We all don't trust you,” Caroline informs her and Elena gives a sharp hey. “But this Damon Salvatore, Protector thing, is worse than I thought.”
Spoilers/Warnings: up to 2x10 The Sacrifice
Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. Just playing with other's for my amusement
Author's Note: My version of what maybe, possibly, could have happened after 2x10 The Sacrifice (ignoring 2x11 By the Light of the Moon almost completely). Elena centric with a sidebar of Damon/Elena, Bonnie/Jeremy, and Caroline being awesome. Please: go gentle, friends. This is the first thing I've written in over 2 years and I'm QUITE nervous. It's been in progress for the better part of the last month and I'm finally ready to share it with you. I sincerely hope I do justice to the wonderful characters of Mystic Falls!
&
After not seeing Stefan in the tomb, Elena goes home and hugs Jeremy until he can’t breathe.
She re-bandages his wounds and the teeth marks in his neck and cheek make her stomach roll. Elena can’t even imagine what Jeremy must be feeling, what it would be like to have a vampire that looks exactly like your sister bite you and drain your body of blood.
Of course, Elena’s technically not his sister. She’s his cousin.
They’ll all need therapy when this is over.
“Why?” she asks. Her whole day has been spent doing reckless and dangerous things to protect the ones she loves, she can’t also worry about her loved ones doing similarly reckless and dangerous things.
Jeremy’s explanation makes sense but there are gaps and Elena’s been his big sister (sister, never anything but sister) for too long not to notice when Jeremy’s trying to keep the whole truth from her. She has an inkling of what it might be - Jeremy says Bonnie’s name differently now, has for days now - and she clings to the idea that maybe something good and new can happen to someone in the middle of all this.
There’s silence, just for a minute, and the wind howls outside. “I’m sorry,” Jeremy whispers to her in the dark.
Elena takes his hand and squeezes. “It’s ok. You were just trying to make sure no one got hurt,” she tells him. They’re so alike, she almost laughs.
Almost.
Later, Damon finds them curled up asleep in Elena’s bed, holding hands.
&
Damon moves in.
It make sense for a whole host of reasons that have nothing and everything to do with being in love with Elena. Everyone knows Damon isn't giving himself another choice, no matter how many sighs he throws around as he lugs a duffel bag of clothing in.
Elena’s not safe, hasn’t been for weeks now, and Damon doesn’t know what to do. Because the truth is, he doesn’t trust Elena one bit, not after Richmond. And that’s the main reason he moves in. With Stefan in the tomb and Rose, whatever little help she was, gone, he’s the only thing standing between Elena, one of Elena’s harebrained schemes, and whoever is coming for the doppelganger. Damon still isn’t sure how he became a protector - let’s be serious, he's always been more of a destroyer - but luckily Elena’s suicidal tendencies seem to have subdued since Rose disappeared with her connections. He has no doubt there’s something going on in the pretty little head of hers but mostly she just reminds Damon, “Stefan’s in the tomb. We have to get him out.”
So they brainstorm with the whole crew - Bonnie and Caroline and Alaric and, to Damon’s chagrin, Jeremy - to figure out how to get the tomb opened. They talk and talk and the whole thing is almost as constructive as Elena’s plan to get Klaus’ attention.
Which is to say, it makes Damon want to bang his head against the wall repeatedly.
&
There's nothing going on in Elena's pretty head. Not like there used to be, anyway.
Before, she was consumed with plans to keep everyone safe, never entertaining a future where she is included in the group of safe people. Being left alive by Elijah in Richmond confuses her, distracts her.
Katherine's a liar, always has been, and for once, Elena thinks maybe doing nothing at all is the right course of action.
The best offense is a good defense and all that.
She daydreams in history class, where Alaric won't bother her for not paying attention. The only thing she wants still is for everyone to be safe so she imagines them all bored they are so safe. Worried about things like the prom and whether to cut their hair and going to the gym but not wanting too. She thinks about these things because Elena's exhausted by it all. It's been too much for too long - Jeremy in the hospital and Jenna too and Founder's Day and Isobel and Trevor and Rose. And now it's Stefan in the tomb and Damon everywhere and Klaus somewhere. And it's just too much. So she daydreams.
And waits.
&
With Elena’s permission, Damon compels Jenna not to invite anyone into the house and to accept Damon’s constant presence without question. They develop a routine for getting to school and homework in the living room and whose turn it is to cook (after a while, the answer is Damon’s. It’s always Damon’s turn to cook). Alaric’s there more often than not so they’re all big happy family for now. Damon will never admit it but he’s glad Alaric’s there. He’s another set of eyes and ears and a voice of reason to reign in Elena. He could do without the energetic sounds coming from Jenna’s bedroom but it’s a price he’ll pay to keep Elena safe.
Damon sleeps on the couch, if he sleeps at all. He mostly spends the night sitting on Elena’s windowsill watching her sleep. The slow rhythmic beat of her heart is Damon’s new favorite sound in the world, followed only by the quiet pumping of her lungs.
The very first night Damon’s there, Jeremy goes to get a glass of the water from the bathroom. Damon doesn’t bother acknowledging him, just keeps staring at Elena, and Jeremy finally sees firsthand the elusive proof of how much his sister means to Damon. He’s always had a good idea of what Damon wants with Elena (the vast majority of it bad and even now Damon’s not helping his cause by creepily watching her sleep) but the look on Damon’s face stops Jeremy from saying anything.
Damon Salvatore is head over heels in love with Elena and he would do absolutely anything for her.
And yeah, Damon's a dick who killed Jeremy but right now, it looks like creepily watching Elena sleep is exactly where he needs to be. So Jeremy takes the water back to his bedroom and sleeps soundly for the first time in a while.
&
Surprisingly, it’s Caroline who finds herself the most lost without Stefan.
Damon goes to the tomb a few times a week, providing light and books for entertainment. He does his best to discourage everyone from visiting and for the most part, everyone obeys. Elena wants to visit Stefan but somehow, she never ends up making it there. She tells herself it’s because it's too depressing, that it’s better if she doesn’t see him stuck behind the invisible wall, desiccating, but deep down she knows that’s not it. She just not sure what it is.
But Caroline, in the middle of mentoring Tyler before his first full moon, needs Stefan’s calm demeanor and his ability to listen, even if he can’t help. A week after he first gets locked in the tomb, Caroline uses her free period from school to go down to talk to him. Even if Stefan doesn’t know what to do about Tyler, at least he’ll listen, which is sometimes all Caroline needs.
She is an insecure, neurotic, control freak after all.
She’s at the tomb in minutes, about to call out hello to Stefan, when something makes her go still and stop. She’s at the top of the steps of the tomb and sees no one in the woods but she knows not to make a sound. In the tomb, she hears Katherine speak, her voice low and seductive but clearly audible. “I’ve been in this dress for days. Wanna help me get out of it?”
Caroline rolls her eyes. She waits for Stefan’s rebuttal, for Stefan to tell her to go to hell, but instead, after a long pause, she hears a zipper slowly being pulled down. Katherine’s delighted purr makes Caroline’s stomach flip. Then it’s all heavy breathing and bodies being slammed into walls and buttons from Stefan’s shirt bouncing off the floor.
Caroline’s outside Elena’s house before she realizes it. Damon is on the couch watching Ellen and drinking scotch when she flies in. She finds the scotch on the kitchen table, pours herself a glass, chugs it, and pours another one. She leans on the kitchen table. “I can’t go back to school,” she says, more to herself than to Damon. She’s not even sure why she’s here. “What will I tell Elena?”
Damon’s next to her in an instant. “Tell Elena what?”
Caroline bites her lip and looks away. “I went to the tomb to talk to Stefan about Tyler. But Stefan was …”
Damon knows instantly what happened. “Otherwise occupied.”
“I didn’t see anything,” Caroline says, miserable. “But the sounds were - I mean, it was fairly obvious.”
“Dammit Stefan,” Damon says, his jaw tightening. Ever since the night he killed Jeremy, it's like a switch has been flipped and he finally saw Katherine for what she was, for what she made him. Stefan and Katherine in the tomb are of no consequence to him - except for how it affects Elena.
The whole damn point of compelling her to forget his declaration of love was because Stefan was better for Elena. Stefan wasn’t supposed to also be selfish.
Being in love sucks.
Damon drains his drink and makes his decision. It’s an easy one. “Don’t tell her anything. She doesn’t need to know.”
Caroline blows out a sigh. “You know I’m not good at lying, especially to Elena.”
“Do it.” Damon’s tone leaves no room for negotiation.
&
Elena finds out a few days later, anyway, when she finally gathers the strength to go visit Stefan. She makes up some excuse about extra credit to blow off Bonnie and Caroline and makes her way to the woods. She steels herself before walking down the steps, convinced this will be the hardest thing she’s done in a while.
It is but not for the reasons she thinks.
Stefan’s despairing look and the way his shirt no longer fits properly say it all. Katherine doesn’t even have to smirk at her for Elena to put it all together. “No,” Elena whispers and her stomach drops into her shoes. Her feelings for Stefan are jumbled up lately, confused with her feelings of love and loyalty for all those in her life, but she knows without a shade of a doubt they’ll never return from this. Stefan loving Katherine in the past was something she could handle. Now that she’s seen exactly what Katherine is capable of - with Jenna, with Jeremy, with Caroline, with Mason and Tyler and Sarah and Amy - she has no empathy.
Elena turns and flees home. Caroline’s there with Damon, sharing a lunch of blood, and Bonnie and Jeremy are eating turkey sandwiches on the couch while flipping through Emily’s grimorie, looking for another tomb loophole. It's a disturbingly familiar picture and Elena has a moment where she realizes just how absolutely fucked up this all is: blood lunches and grimories on lunch breaks from high school. She shakes their questioning looks off and heads to the kitchen.
Damon sees the shell shocked look on her face and knows exactly where she was and what she found out. He forces her to sit at the table and begins to mix her a strong drink. “You went to the tomb, didn’t you.” It’s not a question.
There's no point in denying it. Elena nods.
“God DAMN it, Elena,” he growls and slams his hand on the kitchen table.
Elena sets her jaw. “You knew?”
Damon ignores her question and leans closer to Elena. “I told you not to go see Stefan. Why couldn’t you listen for once?”
“Maybe if you had told me why, I wouldn’t have felt the need to not listen!”
“Do you think they know they sound like an old married couple?” Jeremy mutters under his breath from the living room. Bonnie bites her lip to keep from smiling.
Damon ignores him. “Would it help any if I had?” He hands Elena whatever he’s been concocting.
Elena thinks about it as she takes a long pull of the drink. It tastes bitter, like cough medicine but Elena drinks deeply anyway. It fills her with a burning warmth and she can't remember the last time she was anything but numb. “No,” she decides finally. “I just - I never expected that from him.”
Damon looks at the ceiling and takes a breath he doesn’t need. There's a long pause as he weighs whether to speak or not. “Cut him a break, Elena. Katherine’s the best there is at manipulation and they’re stuck together in a tomb with no one else for days now. That’s more than enough time for her to get under his skin.” Damon can’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. Compelling her into forgetting his speech was one thing, a moment of goodness in an otherwise bleak existence. This sticking up for Stefan thing is not him.
At the very least, he should get points for his attempt at a pun. Not his finest work, to be sure, but still.
Elena shakes her head and takes another sip of the drink. “No,” she says finally, tracing patterns on the table. “After all she’s done…I don’t think I could forgive this.”
Damon tips her chin up so she’s forced to look at him. His eyes are the color of the ocean and Elena thinks she could drown in them, if she let herself. “Elena. You were able to forgive me.”
Elena blinks and looks away. They’ve never discussed her thawing towards him. She’s implied to him several times he’s someone she cares about but never outright said I forgive you. She won't deny it but she won’t say the words either. To acknowledge her forgiveness to Damon is to acknowledge all of the horrible things he’s done, to a lot of the same people Katherine’s used as her personal pawns - Caroline and Vicki and Bonnie and Stefan and Jeremy. And that’s something she can’t do. So she continues pretending to hate him and hopes no one notices she's acting. Obviously it hasn't worked. “We still have to get him out.”
Damon nods. “I know.”
Elena finishes her drink. “Thanks.” She's not what she's thanking him for but it doesn't really matter anyway. She slips off the chair and moves past him to put the glass in the sink.
As she passes him, he reaches out and his fingers circles her arm. His fingers are cold pressure on her wrist and it's a touch she feels down to her toes. "You're welcome," he says, low and serious. Elena has to physically share herself to escape his gaze.
She joins the group in the living room. "Time to go back?" she says, ignoring the curious looks for Jeremy and Bonnie. She'll tell them but not now, not when it's still raw. Caroline stands up from the couch and offers a piece of gum to cover the smell of liquor on her breathe.
"Time to go back," she confirms
&
Elena has dreams of Elijah almost every night. Sometimes he's doing nothing but watching her, sometimes he drives a stake through Damon in the abandoned mansion.
One night, he talks to her. “I'm impressed with your patience,” Elijah whispers in her ear. “You really are nothing like her.”
“Except for my looks, right?” Dream Elena challenges.
Elijah smiles and he's almost handsome. “Yes,” he allows. “And maybe something else.” And his fangs pierce her neck and he drinks deeply.
Elena wakes up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. Damon's there in a heartbeat, almost literally, and Elena doesn't understand why her neck is fine, why her hand doesn't come away covered in blood. “It was so real,” she tells him and hugs her teddy bear tighter.
Still, she waits. Her resolve is stronger than ever. Elijah has a plan and Elena finally understands that looking like Katherine but being absolutely nothing like her is the best asset she may have in this sick and twisted game.
&
Jeremy gets sick one night, violently ill and too warm, and Elena panics. But it's just a run of the mill stomach flu and while she's pouring ginger ale in the dark kitchen at 3 in the morning, she realizes she can't remember the last time anything was run of the mill, not even an illness.
Jeremy's a bad patient, always has been, so she sits at his side as he tosses and turns. Jenna pops in from time to time and Damon sits with her for a while but there's not much to do besides wait for the fever to break.
Jeremy wakes up at one point when it's just Elena to sip some soda and complain about how hot the sheets are. “I miss Mom,” he says with his eyes fluttering close and he won't remember saying it in the morning.
Elena bites her bottom lip to keep the sudden tears from overflowing. “Me too,” she tells Jeremy as she strokes his hair. “More than anything, me too.”
She writes in her journal for the first time in months that night.
&
It takes a while because Caroline's never been one for reflection and it's not like there is a lot of spare time anyway but she slowly realizes Damon did exactly the opposite of what she thought he’d do. He hid the information about Stefan and Katherine from Elena to hide her pain, instead of using it as leverage to break them up further or weasel his way back into her good graces.
Caroline’s almost impressed by his growth. She still hates him for everything he did to her - to this day nothing has been as satisfying as throwing Damon down the high school hallway and telling him he sucked - but he’s clearly not the same person anymore.
Thank god.
&
Elena goes to see Stefan one more time in the tomb. She brings blood for Stefan and blood for Katherine, who chugs hers greedily and then passes out ungracefully on the tomb floor.
“Spiked with vervain,” Elena explains and Stefan allows himself a small smile at her cleverness. Katherine's lengthy time in the tomb has washed away any tolerance for vervain she might have.
“I'm sorry,” he says plainly. “I really do love you.”
Elena has never doubted this. “I know.” She wants to ask why but she knows it is unnecessary. Stefan will tell her anyway.
He doesn't disappoint in that regard. Stefan holds the water bottle filled with blood in his hands, hunches over it like it will provide solace. “The first few days in here, they were tough but manageable,” he tells Elena. “I'm weak already though, because of my diet, and Katherine was able to get inside my head. Make me dream things, imagine things from the past. After a while, it was easy to get confused.” He breaks off, takes a swig of blood. “You look just like her.”
Elena flinches. There's almost nothing worse than hearing that these days. “Do you love her?”
“No,” Stefan says softly. “No. I despise her. But while Damon spent all those years running towards her, I spent them ignoring her. And now Katherine's back and Damon is finally free of her. But I can't quite seem to escape her grasp.”
Elena stands up. It's both better and worse than all the scenarios she thought.
She leaves an extra bottle of blood for him. Katherine begins to stir behind her as she makes her way up the tomb steps and into the blinding sunlight but Elena doesn't look back. She's not surprised to see Damon leaning against a tree in the woods. He always seems to know when she's up to something. By his too casual expression, she knows he's heard every word.
“You done?” he asks and Elena has an attack of deja vu. He takes her backpack from her, the one she used to carry the blood, and pushes her in the direction away from the tomb.
“Yeah,” Elena says. “I'm done.”
&
Tyler makes it through the first full moon. Caroline sits with him all night and when she shows up at Elena's the next morning, she shakes her head and won't speak of it. But she's paler than usual and her hair is a mess. Elena makes her a cup of tea, which she holds but doesn't sip until Damon pours a shot into it.
Caroline's the same in many ways since becoming a vampire but she's also really, really different. There's a haunted shadow in her eyes now that Elena notices. She notices a lot of things about Caroline now that she never did before - how having a perfect outfit and meticulous make up is really just armor against the world, how becoming a vampire's actually maybe the best thing to happen to her. It's an awful thing to say but with Caroline, it seems to make sense.
Elena studies these changes in her and one day, when she's sitting with Caroline on the porch after school, just staring at the street, she blurts it out. “I really admire you, Caroline Forbes,” Elena tells her, apropos of nothing and Caroline's ensuing shy smile and blush remind her that maybe nothing's changed at all.
&
Elena has an old fashioned sleep over with Caroline and Bonnie one weekend. It’s a full house with Damon and Alaric there too but it’s the sort of night everyone needs - one where you have to shout to be heard over anyone, where there’s too many bodies and not enough couch space, where being the doppelganger and a vampire and a witch finally takes a backseat.
The girls disappear upstairs to Elena’s room to do manicures and girl talk after too much pizza, leaving Jenna and Alaric and Damon to their red wine and Jeremy to his video games.
“So does Mr. Saltzman stay over a lot?” Caroline asks as she paints an electric blue on Bonnie’s hands.
“More recently,” Elena says as she shifts through the bag of nail polish Caroline’s brought. “I think he wants to be here in case something
happens.”
“Is that weird? He’s like, our teacher. And Jeremy’s teacher. And he’s sleeping with your aunt.”
“It's been OK so far,” she says with a smile and then tells them how she ran into him half naked in his boxers in the hallway a few weeks ago. It's nice to talk about something stupid like Alaric staying over. It's nice to have a conversation that doesn't have the words vampire, Katherine, and moonstone in it.
“Chunky Monkey after sex? Rawr. Go Aunt Jenna,” Caroline laughs.
Elena laughs too. “Yeah, that was before Damon started staying here. I think the Chunky Monkey has stopped for now. I doubt Alaric wants to hear what Damon would say if he went downstairs in his boxers to get ice cream in the middle of the night.”
“Damon’s literally here all the time?” Bonnie raises an eyebrow.
“Since Stefan got stuck in the tomb.”
“That’s over a month Elena!” Caroline exclaims. “I mean, I know he's always seems to be here whenever I'm here and I personally think it's good for all of us not to spend so much time in the boarding house - it's sort of weird how it's a time warp to when they were actually alive - but I didn't realize he still was spending all his time here. Is he still sleeping on the couch?”
Elena ignores the dig at the boarding house. “Yup. He actually has fit in sort of nicely. He doesn’t hog the hot water in the shower like Jeremy and he cooks better than Jenna ever did.”
“Let me get this straight.” Caroline says, waving the blue nail polish wand. “Damon Salvatore. Sleeps on a couch. And showers here. And cooks dinner. For you.”
“He doesn't cook just for me,” Elena smiles. “For everyone. He’s actually pretty good.”
“Not the dinner part,” Bonnie rolls her eyes. “He's sleeping on the couch and just being around because of you.”
Elena becomes engrossed in the nail polish colors. “He doesn't trust me not to do something stupid,” she tells them.
“We all don't trust you,” Caroline informs her and Elena gives a sharp hey. “But this Damon Salvatore, Protector thing, is worse than I thought. He's not getting cabin fever? His crazy eyes haven't made an appearance?”
Elena frowns. “I'm not keeping him hostage. He's the one who won't leave. He comes and goes as he pleases but he's always back by dinner.”
Caroline exchanges a look with Bonnie. “He loves you,” Bonnie warns, as as if she’s the first person to notice.
“Guys,” Elena sighs. “Don’t.” Damon’s downstairs but he can certainly hear every word being said in her room.
Bonnie and Caroline exchange another look. Elena points to the floor and mouths Damon can hear us. The girls both nod but still look like they want to say something else. Elena hopes they never bring Damon up again. It's exhausting, trying to figure out her feelings for him. Talking to Bonnie, who hates him, and Caroline, who was used by him, will certainly not help. And even if it would, what would she say? Damon is just doing this because Stefan's in the tomb. The just makes it a bold faced, see through lie. He's different with me? Duh. He drives me crazy like no one else does?
Sometimes he stands too close and I can’t breathe?
So yeah, never bringing Damon up again would be good.
“Caroline,” Elena says firmly, no room for any further discussion about Damon. “What's going on with you and Matt?”
Caroline groans as she caps the nail polish. “I wish I knew! He's being weirdly jealous about Tyler and I spending so much time together. But I can't exactly tell him why. Ever since Tyler came to the door after Matt told me he missed me, Matt hasn't looked me in the eye.”
Bonnie shakes her head as she blows on her nails to dry them. “I still can’t believe Tyler did that.”
“Wait, I only heard a bare bones version of this. Rewind.” Elena's not sure when Caroline started telling Bonnie more details of a story but she doesn't like it. Her drama may be life and death but it doesn't have to consume her yet. There needs to be room for Caroline's drama and manicures in it. There needs to be room for life in her life.
So Caroline vents about Matt and Tyler and the weird vibes and afterward she sighs. “Guys, I’ve missed this. It’s normal.”
Bonnie laughs. “Yeah, normal. You painted our nails in like 2 seconds and your love triangle includes a vampire and a werewolf. That’s normal.”
“Shut up Bonnie,” Caroline says primly. “Just for that, you have to tell us what’s going with you.”
“What about me?”
“Don't play coy. Jeremy Gilbert. What's going on?”
Elena smiles. She knew she wasn't imagining the way Jeremy said Bonnie's name.
“Do you have to say his whole name?”
“Do you have to deflect the question, Bonnie? Spill.” There’s a light in Caroline’s eye Elena hasn’t seen in weeks, a light that almost, almost drowns out the haunted look, and she finds herself leaning in to hear the details, even though it’s her brother and her best friend and will take a lot of getting used too.
Elena looks at her best friends as Bonnie blushes and Caroline pushes for more information and she realizes she hasn’t felt this happy in months. They watch a movie later with everyone and eat too much popcorn and then they all sleep in Elena’s bed, three peas in a pod, and it’s way too tight a fit but exactly what they need.
There’s no more weirdness between Caroline and Bonnie anymore, obviously, but Elena sleeps in the middle, just in case.
&
Just because Elena hasn't done anything dumb in a month doesn't mean it can't happen. So Damon doesn't let even the smallest thing pass when it comes to Elena.
“Damon, stop,” Elena says with fire in her eyes. She tries everything to move around him, to get away from him, but he’s always one step ahead of her. “Damon, seriously, get away. I’m not going to do anything stupid.”
Damon blocks her again. “Of course you are. What are you up to?”
“Nothing! I'm in my pajamas! It's the middle of the night. What could I possibly be doing right now?”
“I don't know, I don't know how your mind works. I only know that you've been waiting for the right moment since Richmond.”
“Will you stop punishing me over Richmond? I won't apologize for trying to keep the people I love safe!” Elena explodes.
“And maybe that's what we're trying to do with you!” Damon hisses back.
Elena's eyes widen and something tinges in the back of her mind, something she wants to remember but is out of her grasp. Damon leans in closer, invades her space the way he always does. Elena has a million things on her tongue, a million snide remarks, tender retorts, stuttering replies. She feels as if she's on the edge of something but she's not sure which way to go, which way she wants to go.
“I thought it was because you didn't trust me.”
“I don't. I don't trust you not to sacrifice yourself for the rest of them. Have you ever for a second thought how they would feel to be left behind?”
“The rest of them?” Elena pushes.
Damon's eyes flare dangerously. “Careful, Elena. There are doors you don't want to open.”
“Because I'll find a monster behind it?”
“Because once it's open, it might not close.” It's a testament to years spent in darkness that he's able to make it sound like a threat.
Elena glares at Damon and his infuriating non answers, at the way he hints and teases but always keep the truth just far enough away. She locks eyes with his gorgeous blue ones, and she feels something inside her snap, something that is sick of fighting it. Elena's sick of fighting everything, fighting her life, and it turns out this is one battle she's OK with losing.
She can see Damon comes to the same decision she does and she'll never know who kisses who first. It's not a sweet kiss, like those shared with Stefan, or tentative like Damon's kiss on the porch with Katherine had been when he thought she was Elena. Elena pours all her anger and frustration and recklessness into the kiss and Damon responds in kind. It’s bruising and rough and frantic. It’s the kind of kiss that suggests dirty things against the refrigerator and no sheets on the bed the next morning.
Kissing Damon is a struggle for control, a struggle for self control, a struggle not to rush to all the other wonderful things kissing can lead too. It's the snarky comments, the narrowed eyes, the rare declarations all rolled into soft lips and cold hands and that should be illegal it feels so good.
Damon lifts her onto the kitchen counter and she wraps her legs around his waist, pulling him closer, pushing herself flush with his body. She can't breath without touching his body and it's still not close enough. In between wet, wicked kisses, he licks his way up her neck, nips behind her earlobe, bites the corner of her lip. Elena’s breath comes in spurts and she thinks she may be dying from how lightheaded she is. Her hands have a mind of their own, searching for purchase underneath Damon’s t-shirt before he just gets rid of it. Her skin feels fevered where he touches her, as if he is leaving a trail of fire across the planes of her stomach, the expanse of her back. He mouths the edge of her tank top and all Elena can think is more more more and Damon does nothing but oblige.
Suddenly, loudly, someone flushes the toilet upstairs. The sound of the water rushing through the pipes is amplified in the silence of the night and Elena freezes against Damon. The floorboard creaks as the person walks back to their bedroom and then it is silent again.
Damon turns back to Elena but the spell has broken. He presses little kisses on Elena’s pulse and she lets her head fall forward on Damon’s shoulder. “That was close.”
“Are you talking about someone being awake and catching us or about how you were almost naked on the kitchen table?” Damon raises an eyebrow, purposely being blunt. He needs to see how Elena will respond to this, needs to know if what just happened is something she’ll regret.
Elena purses her lips. “Both, I guess,” she muses. “Although the kitchen table part more. I’m more of a soft surface girl.”
Damon smiles back and it’s the rare smile that reaches his eyes and transforms his face. He looks lighter than Elena’s ever seen him before and it’s easy to see the younger, less damaged person Damon must have been. “Duly noted.”
Elena looks past him. “Damon,” she breathes. “It’s snowing.”
She drags him to the front door to watch the white powder fall lazily to the ground. It's only a light dusting, not much at all, but it's the first snow of the year and pretty in the dark night. Damon's seen snow hundreds of time, maybe even thousands, and he finds himself bored very quickly.
But then Elena shyly threads her fingers through his and squeezes and it’s the best snowfall Damon’s ever seen.
&
Damon once told Elena that she had more in common with Katherine than her looks.
Elena once told Damon that it’d always be Stefan.
It takes a while but they eventually realize these were lies.
&
Elena wakes up the next morning with a smile on her face. She's the only one in bed but she can hear Caroline in the kitchen talking about coffee and breakfast. She shrugs on an oversized sweatshirt over her pajamas before making her way into the bathroom to brush her teeth. As she’s brushing, she looks into Jeremy’s room and almost chokes on the toothpaste.
Her brother is shirtless and has Bonnie up against his desk. Their lips are fused and Bonnie has her hands tangled in Jeremy’s hair and one leg wrapped around Jeremy’s knee, pushing her body into his. Elena watches, shell shocked, as Bonnie runs her newly manicured nails against Jeremy’s bare back. She moves her head to the left, gasping for air, and Jeremy moves his mouth to her neck.
At Bonnie’s moan, Elena moves into action. She pulls the bathroom door to Jeremy’s room closed quickly, leans against it and wishes for bleach in her eyes.
When she goes downstairs, Damon is making pancakes and charming Jenna. Alaric and Caroline are reading the paper and Caroline smiles brightly when she sees Elena. “There you are, sleepyhead. Where’s Bonnie?”
Elena makes a sound that’s something between a laugh and a choke. She’s happy for them, really happy, but she didn’t need to see half naked make outs first thing in the morning. “Right here!” Bonnie says, a little too chipper, as she runs down the stairs.
“Your hair is a mess,” Elena whispers. Caroline hears everything clearly but leans in closer anyway, sensing a story. “Next time you want to maul my brother first thing in the morning, can you make sure the door is closed?”
Bonnie’s mouth drops open and she puts her head in her hands.
Caroline claps her hands in delight. “Oh my god, Bonnie!”
Any subtlety that Elena had been trying for is gone. Jenna turns from the counter. “Bonnie have you been making out with my nephew?”
“Look,” Bonnie pleads. “It just sort of happened. I mean, we’ve had this tension lately and I was planning on staying away from him but then. I don’t know.”
Elena shakes her head. “If you say, then I saw him shirtless, I may vomit in my mouth.”
“But what if it’s the truth?” Bonnie teases, her face burning, and Caroline and Jenna literally squeal.
Jeremy chooses that moment to come down the stairs with a shirt on, thank goodness. He stops with a few to go, sees the curious looks on Caroline and Jenna’s face, the embarrassment on Bonnie’s, the amusement on Elena’s. “Good morning,” he smiles. He walks up to Bonnie and kisses her soundly on the mouth.
Caroline and Jenna sigh with happiness and Elena averts her eyes. She catches Damon’s look from the stove. “Good God, it's like Us Weekly's offices in here," Damon mumbles at the oven.
Elena laughs. Actually laughs, with eyes crinkling and mouth stretching into a smile. It feels foreign, like her muscles have to relearn the motion, but it's there.
Damon puts some pancakes on a plate and hands them to Elena. She passes them to Jenna before stealing some of the chocolate chips from the open bag by Damon. He narrows his eyes at her but says nothing. She takes a few more and laughs again.
Stefan's still in the tomb with Katherine, Elijah’s out there somewhere, the moonstone's still active, Tyler's a werewolf, and Klaus may kill everyone Elena loves.
The past month, Elena's felt as if nothing's changed. Her life has frozen in place, the terror muted but present in every interaction. But today, everything feels different.
Her brother's dating her witch best friend, her other vampire best friend is mentoring a werewolf, she made out with her ex-boyfriend's brother. Elena still doesn't know what's going to happen in the next hour, day, or week, if Elijah is going to burst through the door at any moment and kill everyone or ask for pancakes and coffee.
So Elena eats some more chocolate chips and helps Damon do dishes after breakfast.
She is, even just for a little bit, happy.
But it's so hard to stand on your own,
Against mirror of glass, hard and cold.
But the clothes I wore just don't fit my soul anymore.
No, the clothes I wore just don't fit my soul anymore.
And the lonesome all understand,
With the choirs in my head.
And we were orphans before we were ever the sons of regret.
+ orphans, gaslight anthem
Author: blueeyelinerx
Rating: PG-13
Pairing/Characters: Elena centric, Damon/Elena, Caroline, Bonnie, Jeremy, Alaric, Jenna, Stefan, Katherine
Word Count: 6468
Summary: “We all don't trust you,” Caroline informs her and Elena gives a sharp hey. “But this Damon Salvatore, Protector thing, is worse than I thought.”
Spoilers/Warnings: up to 2x10 The Sacrifice
Disclaimer: I don't own a thing. Just playing with other's for my amusement
Author's Note: My version of what maybe, possibly, could have happened after 2x10 The Sacrifice (ignoring 2x11 By the Light of the Moon almost completely). Elena centric with a sidebar of Damon/Elena, Bonnie/Jeremy, and Caroline being awesome. Please: go gentle, friends. This is the first thing I've written in over 2 years and I'm QUITE nervous. It's been in progress for the better part of the last month and I'm finally ready to share it with you. I sincerely hope I do justice to the wonderful characters of Mystic Falls!
&
After not seeing Stefan in the tomb, Elena goes home and hugs Jeremy until he can’t breathe.
She re-bandages his wounds and the teeth marks in his neck and cheek make her stomach roll. Elena can’t even imagine what Jeremy must be feeling, what it would be like to have a vampire that looks exactly like your sister bite you and drain your body of blood.
Of course, Elena’s technically not his sister. She’s his cousin.
They’ll all need therapy when this is over.
“Why?” she asks. Her whole day has been spent doing reckless and dangerous things to protect the ones she loves, she can’t also worry about her loved ones doing similarly reckless and dangerous things.
Jeremy’s explanation makes sense but there are gaps and Elena’s been his big sister (sister, never anything but sister) for too long not to notice when Jeremy’s trying to keep the whole truth from her. She has an inkling of what it might be - Jeremy says Bonnie’s name differently now, has for days now - and she clings to the idea that maybe something good and new can happen to someone in the middle of all this.
There’s silence, just for a minute, and the wind howls outside. “I’m sorry,” Jeremy whispers to her in the dark.
Elena takes his hand and squeezes. “It’s ok. You were just trying to make sure no one got hurt,” she tells him. They’re so alike, she almost laughs.
Almost.
Later, Damon finds them curled up asleep in Elena’s bed, holding hands.
&
Damon moves in.
It make sense for a whole host of reasons that have nothing and everything to do with being in love with Elena. Everyone knows Damon isn't giving himself another choice, no matter how many sighs he throws around as he lugs a duffel bag of clothing in.
Elena’s not safe, hasn’t been for weeks now, and Damon doesn’t know what to do. Because the truth is, he doesn’t trust Elena one bit, not after Richmond. And that’s the main reason he moves in. With Stefan in the tomb and Rose, whatever little help she was, gone, he’s the only thing standing between Elena, one of Elena’s harebrained schemes, and whoever is coming for the doppelganger. Damon still isn’t sure how he became a protector - let’s be serious, he's always been more of a destroyer - but luckily Elena’s suicidal tendencies seem to have subdued since Rose disappeared with her connections. He has no doubt there’s something going on in the pretty little head of hers but mostly she just reminds Damon, “Stefan’s in the tomb. We have to get him out.”
So they brainstorm with the whole crew - Bonnie and Caroline and Alaric and, to Damon’s chagrin, Jeremy - to figure out how to get the tomb opened. They talk and talk and the whole thing is almost as constructive as Elena’s plan to get Klaus’ attention.
Which is to say, it makes Damon want to bang his head against the wall repeatedly.
&
There's nothing going on in Elena's pretty head. Not like there used to be, anyway.
Before, she was consumed with plans to keep everyone safe, never entertaining a future where she is included in the group of safe people. Being left alive by Elijah in Richmond confuses her, distracts her.
Katherine's a liar, always has been, and for once, Elena thinks maybe doing nothing at all is the right course of action.
The best offense is a good defense and all that.
She daydreams in history class, where Alaric won't bother her for not paying attention. The only thing she wants still is for everyone to be safe so she imagines them all bored they are so safe. Worried about things like the prom and whether to cut their hair and going to the gym but not wanting too. She thinks about these things because Elena's exhausted by it all. It's been too much for too long - Jeremy in the hospital and Jenna too and Founder's Day and Isobel and Trevor and Rose. And now it's Stefan in the tomb and Damon everywhere and Klaus somewhere. And it's just too much. So she daydreams.
And waits.
&
With Elena’s permission, Damon compels Jenna not to invite anyone into the house and to accept Damon’s constant presence without question. They develop a routine for getting to school and homework in the living room and whose turn it is to cook (after a while, the answer is Damon’s. It’s always Damon’s turn to cook). Alaric’s there more often than not so they’re all big happy family for now. Damon will never admit it but he’s glad Alaric’s there. He’s another set of eyes and ears and a voice of reason to reign in Elena. He could do without the energetic sounds coming from Jenna’s bedroom but it’s a price he’ll pay to keep Elena safe.
Damon sleeps on the couch, if he sleeps at all. He mostly spends the night sitting on Elena’s windowsill watching her sleep. The slow rhythmic beat of her heart is Damon’s new favorite sound in the world, followed only by the quiet pumping of her lungs.
The very first night Damon’s there, Jeremy goes to get a glass of the water from the bathroom. Damon doesn’t bother acknowledging him, just keeps staring at Elena, and Jeremy finally sees firsthand the elusive proof of how much his sister means to Damon. He’s always had a good idea of what Damon wants with Elena (the vast majority of it bad and even now Damon’s not helping his cause by creepily watching her sleep) but the look on Damon’s face stops Jeremy from saying anything.
Damon Salvatore is head over heels in love with Elena and he would do absolutely anything for her.
And yeah, Damon's a dick who killed Jeremy but right now, it looks like creepily watching Elena sleep is exactly where he needs to be. So Jeremy takes the water back to his bedroom and sleeps soundly for the first time in a while.
&
Surprisingly, it’s Caroline who finds herself the most lost without Stefan.
Damon goes to the tomb a few times a week, providing light and books for entertainment. He does his best to discourage everyone from visiting and for the most part, everyone obeys. Elena wants to visit Stefan but somehow, she never ends up making it there. She tells herself it’s because it's too depressing, that it’s better if she doesn’t see him stuck behind the invisible wall, desiccating, but deep down she knows that’s not it. She just not sure what it is.
But Caroline, in the middle of mentoring Tyler before his first full moon, needs Stefan’s calm demeanor and his ability to listen, even if he can’t help. A week after he first gets locked in the tomb, Caroline uses her free period from school to go down to talk to him. Even if Stefan doesn’t know what to do about Tyler, at least he’ll listen, which is sometimes all Caroline needs.
She is an insecure, neurotic, control freak after all.
She’s at the tomb in minutes, about to call out hello to Stefan, when something makes her go still and stop. She’s at the top of the steps of the tomb and sees no one in the woods but she knows not to make a sound. In the tomb, she hears Katherine speak, her voice low and seductive but clearly audible. “I’ve been in this dress for days. Wanna help me get out of it?”
Caroline rolls her eyes. She waits for Stefan’s rebuttal, for Stefan to tell her to go to hell, but instead, after a long pause, she hears a zipper slowly being pulled down. Katherine’s delighted purr makes Caroline’s stomach flip. Then it’s all heavy breathing and bodies being slammed into walls and buttons from Stefan’s shirt bouncing off the floor.
Caroline’s outside Elena’s house before she realizes it. Damon is on the couch watching Ellen and drinking scotch when she flies in. She finds the scotch on the kitchen table, pours herself a glass, chugs it, and pours another one. She leans on the kitchen table. “I can’t go back to school,” she says, more to herself than to Damon. She’s not even sure why she’s here. “What will I tell Elena?”
Damon’s next to her in an instant. “Tell Elena what?”
Caroline bites her lip and looks away. “I went to the tomb to talk to Stefan about Tyler. But Stefan was …”
Damon knows instantly what happened. “Otherwise occupied.”
“I didn’t see anything,” Caroline says, miserable. “But the sounds were - I mean, it was fairly obvious.”
“Dammit Stefan,” Damon says, his jaw tightening. Ever since the night he killed Jeremy, it's like a switch has been flipped and he finally saw Katherine for what she was, for what she made him. Stefan and Katherine in the tomb are of no consequence to him - except for how it affects Elena.
The whole damn point of compelling her to forget his declaration of love was because Stefan was better for Elena. Stefan wasn’t supposed to also be selfish.
Being in love sucks.
Damon drains his drink and makes his decision. It’s an easy one. “Don’t tell her anything. She doesn’t need to know.”
Caroline blows out a sigh. “You know I’m not good at lying, especially to Elena.”
“Do it.” Damon’s tone leaves no room for negotiation.
&
Elena finds out a few days later, anyway, when she finally gathers the strength to go visit Stefan. She makes up some excuse about extra credit to blow off Bonnie and Caroline and makes her way to the woods. She steels herself before walking down the steps, convinced this will be the hardest thing she’s done in a while.
It is but not for the reasons she thinks.
Stefan’s despairing look and the way his shirt no longer fits properly say it all. Katherine doesn’t even have to smirk at her for Elena to put it all together. “No,” Elena whispers and her stomach drops into her shoes. Her feelings for Stefan are jumbled up lately, confused with her feelings of love and loyalty for all those in her life, but she knows without a shade of a doubt they’ll never return from this. Stefan loving Katherine in the past was something she could handle. Now that she’s seen exactly what Katherine is capable of - with Jenna, with Jeremy, with Caroline, with Mason and Tyler and Sarah and Amy - she has no empathy.
Elena turns and flees home. Caroline’s there with Damon, sharing a lunch of blood, and Bonnie and Jeremy are eating turkey sandwiches on the couch while flipping through Emily’s grimorie, looking for another tomb loophole. It's a disturbingly familiar picture and Elena has a moment where she realizes just how absolutely fucked up this all is: blood lunches and grimories on lunch breaks from high school. She shakes their questioning looks off and heads to the kitchen.
Damon sees the shell shocked look on her face and knows exactly where she was and what she found out. He forces her to sit at the table and begins to mix her a strong drink. “You went to the tomb, didn’t you.” It’s not a question.
There's no point in denying it. Elena nods.
“God DAMN it, Elena,” he growls and slams his hand on the kitchen table.
Elena sets her jaw. “You knew?”
Damon ignores her question and leans closer to Elena. “I told you not to go see Stefan. Why couldn’t you listen for once?”
“Maybe if you had told me why, I wouldn’t have felt the need to not listen!”
“Do you think they know they sound like an old married couple?” Jeremy mutters under his breath from the living room. Bonnie bites her lip to keep from smiling.
Damon ignores him. “Would it help any if I had?” He hands Elena whatever he’s been concocting.
Elena thinks about it as she takes a long pull of the drink. It tastes bitter, like cough medicine but Elena drinks deeply anyway. It fills her with a burning warmth and she can't remember the last time she was anything but numb. “No,” she decides finally. “I just - I never expected that from him.”
Damon looks at the ceiling and takes a breath he doesn’t need. There's a long pause as he weighs whether to speak or not. “Cut him a break, Elena. Katherine’s the best there is at manipulation and they’re stuck together in a tomb with no one else for days now. That’s more than enough time for her to get under his skin.” Damon can’t believe the words coming out of his mouth. Compelling her into forgetting his speech was one thing, a moment of goodness in an otherwise bleak existence. This sticking up for Stefan thing is not him.
At the very least, he should get points for his attempt at a pun. Not his finest work, to be sure, but still.
Elena shakes her head and takes another sip of the drink. “No,” she says finally, tracing patterns on the table. “After all she’s done…I don’t think I could forgive this.”
Damon tips her chin up so she’s forced to look at him. His eyes are the color of the ocean and Elena thinks she could drown in them, if she let herself. “Elena. You were able to forgive me.”
Elena blinks and looks away. They’ve never discussed her thawing towards him. She’s implied to him several times he’s someone she cares about but never outright said I forgive you. She won't deny it but she won’t say the words either. To acknowledge her forgiveness to Damon is to acknowledge all of the horrible things he’s done, to a lot of the same people Katherine’s used as her personal pawns - Caroline and Vicki and Bonnie and Stefan and Jeremy. And that’s something she can’t do. So she continues pretending to hate him and hopes no one notices she's acting. Obviously it hasn't worked. “We still have to get him out.”
Damon nods. “I know.”
Elena finishes her drink. “Thanks.” She's not what she's thanking him for but it doesn't really matter anyway. She slips off the chair and moves past him to put the glass in the sink.
As she passes him, he reaches out and his fingers circles her arm. His fingers are cold pressure on her wrist and it's a touch she feels down to her toes. "You're welcome," he says, low and serious. Elena has to physically share herself to escape his gaze.
She joins the group in the living room. "Time to go back?" she says, ignoring the curious looks for Jeremy and Bonnie. She'll tell them but not now, not when it's still raw. Caroline stands up from the couch and offers a piece of gum to cover the smell of liquor on her breathe.
"Time to go back," she confirms
&
Elena has dreams of Elijah almost every night. Sometimes he's doing nothing but watching her, sometimes he drives a stake through Damon in the abandoned mansion.
One night, he talks to her. “I'm impressed with your patience,” Elijah whispers in her ear. “You really are nothing like her.”
“Except for my looks, right?” Dream Elena challenges.
Elijah smiles and he's almost handsome. “Yes,” he allows. “And maybe something else.” And his fangs pierce her neck and he drinks deeply.
Elena wakes up in a cold sweat, gasping for air. Damon's there in a heartbeat, almost literally, and Elena doesn't understand why her neck is fine, why her hand doesn't come away covered in blood. “It was so real,” she tells him and hugs her teddy bear tighter.
Still, she waits. Her resolve is stronger than ever. Elijah has a plan and Elena finally understands that looking like Katherine but being absolutely nothing like her is the best asset she may have in this sick and twisted game.
&
Jeremy gets sick one night, violently ill and too warm, and Elena panics. But it's just a run of the mill stomach flu and while she's pouring ginger ale in the dark kitchen at 3 in the morning, she realizes she can't remember the last time anything was run of the mill, not even an illness.
Jeremy's a bad patient, always has been, so she sits at his side as he tosses and turns. Jenna pops in from time to time and Damon sits with her for a while but there's not much to do besides wait for the fever to break.
Jeremy wakes up at one point when it's just Elena to sip some soda and complain about how hot the sheets are. “I miss Mom,” he says with his eyes fluttering close and he won't remember saying it in the morning.
Elena bites her bottom lip to keep the sudden tears from overflowing. “Me too,” she tells Jeremy as she strokes his hair. “More than anything, me too.”
She writes in her journal for the first time in months that night.
&
It takes a while because Caroline's never been one for reflection and it's not like there is a lot of spare time anyway but she slowly realizes Damon did exactly the opposite of what she thought he’d do. He hid the information about Stefan and Katherine from Elena to hide her pain, instead of using it as leverage to break them up further or weasel his way back into her good graces.
Caroline’s almost impressed by his growth. She still hates him for everything he did to her - to this day nothing has been as satisfying as throwing Damon down the high school hallway and telling him he sucked - but he’s clearly not the same person anymore.
Thank god.
&
Elena goes to see Stefan one more time in the tomb. She brings blood for Stefan and blood for Katherine, who chugs hers greedily and then passes out ungracefully on the tomb floor.
“Spiked with vervain,” Elena explains and Stefan allows himself a small smile at her cleverness. Katherine's lengthy time in the tomb has washed away any tolerance for vervain she might have.
“I'm sorry,” he says plainly. “I really do love you.”
Elena has never doubted this. “I know.” She wants to ask why but she knows it is unnecessary. Stefan will tell her anyway.
He doesn't disappoint in that regard. Stefan holds the water bottle filled with blood in his hands, hunches over it like it will provide solace. “The first few days in here, they were tough but manageable,” he tells Elena. “I'm weak already though, because of my diet, and Katherine was able to get inside my head. Make me dream things, imagine things from the past. After a while, it was easy to get confused.” He breaks off, takes a swig of blood. “You look just like her.”
Elena flinches. There's almost nothing worse than hearing that these days. “Do you love her?”
“No,” Stefan says softly. “No. I despise her. But while Damon spent all those years running towards her, I spent them ignoring her. And now Katherine's back and Damon is finally free of her. But I can't quite seem to escape her grasp.”
Elena stands up. It's both better and worse than all the scenarios she thought.
She leaves an extra bottle of blood for him. Katherine begins to stir behind her as she makes her way up the tomb steps and into the blinding sunlight but Elena doesn't look back. She's not surprised to see Damon leaning against a tree in the woods. He always seems to know when she's up to something. By his too casual expression, she knows he's heard every word.
“You done?” he asks and Elena has an attack of deja vu. He takes her backpack from her, the one she used to carry the blood, and pushes her in the direction away from the tomb.
“Yeah,” Elena says. “I'm done.”
&
Tyler makes it through the first full moon. Caroline sits with him all night and when she shows up at Elena's the next morning, she shakes her head and won't speak of it. But she's paler than usual and her hair is a mess. Elena makes her a cup of tea, which she holds but doesn't sip until Damon pours a shot into it.
Caroline's the same in many ways since becoming a vampire but she's also really, really different. There's a haunted shadow in her eyes now that Elena notices. She notices a lot of things about Caroline now that she never did before - how having a perfect outfit and meticulous make up is really just armor against the world, how becoming a vampire's actually maybe the best thing to happen to her. It's an awful thing to say but with Caroline, it seems to make sense.
Elena studies these changes in her and one day, when she's sitting with Caroline on the porch after school, just staring at the street, she blurts it out. “I really admire you, Caroline Forbes,” Elena tells her, apropos of nothing and Caroline's ensuing shy smile and blush remind her that maybe nothing's changed at all.
&
Elena has an old fashioned sleep over with Caroline and Bonnie one weekend. It’s a full house with Damon and Alaric there too but it’s the sort of night everyone needs - one where you have to shout to be heard over anyone, where there’s too many bodies and not enough couch space, where being the doppelganger and a vampire and a witch finally takes a backseat.
The girls disappear upstairs to Elena’s room to do manicures and girl talk after too much pizza, leaving Jenna and Alaric and Damon to their red wine and Jeremy to his video games.
“So does Mr. Saltzman stay over a lot?” Caroline asks as she paints an electric blue on Bonnie’s hands.
“More recently,” Elena says as she shifts through the bag of nail polish Caroline’s brought. “I think he wants to be here in case something
happens.”
“Is that weird? He’s like, our teacher. And Jeremy’s teacher. And he’s sleeping with your aunt.”
“It's been OK so far,” she says with a smile and then tells them how she ran into him half naked in his boxers in the hallway a few weeks ago. It's nice to talk about something stupid like Alaric staying over. It's nice to have a conversation that doesn't have the words vampire, Katherine, and moonstone in it.
“Chunky Monkey after sex? Rawr. Go Aunt Jenna,” Caroline laughs.
Elena laughs too. “Yeah, that was before Damon started staying here. I think the Chunky Monkey has stopped for now. I doubt Alaric wants to hear what Damon would say if he went downstairs in his boxers to get ice cream in the middle of the night.”
“Damon’s literally here all the time?” Bonnie raises an eyebrow.
“Since Stefan got stuck in the tomb.”
“That’s over a month Elena!” Caroline exclaims. “I mean, I know he's always seems to be here whenever I'm here and I personally think it's good for all of us not to spend so much time in the boarding house - it's sort of weird how it's a time warp to when they were actually alive - but I didn't realize he still was spending all his time here. Is he still sleeping on the couch?”
Elena ignores the dig at the boarding house. “Yup. He actually has fit in sort of nicely. He doesn’t hog the hot water in the shower like Jeremy and he cooks better than Jenna ever did.”
“Let me get this straight.” Caroline says, waving the blue nail polish wand. “Damon Salvatore. Sleeps on a couch. And showers here. And cooks dinner. For you.”
“He doesn't cook just for me,” Elena smiles. “For everyone. He’s actually pretty good.”
“Not the dinner part,” Bonnie rolls her eyes. “He's sleeping on the couch and just being around because of you.”
Elena becomes engrossed in the nail polish colors. “He doesn't trust me not to do something stupid,” she tells them.
“We all don't trust you,” Caroline informs her and Elena gives a sharp hey. “But this Damon Salvatore, Protector thing, is worse than I thought. He's not getting cabin fever? His crazy eyes haven't made an appearance?”
Elena frowns. “I'm not keeping him hostage. He's the one who won't leave. He comes and goes as he pleases but he's always back by dinner.”
Caroline exchanges a look with Bonnie. “He loves you,” Bonnie warns, as as if she’s the first person to notice.
“Guys,” Elena sighs. “Don’t.” Damon’s downstairs but he can certainly hear every word being said in her room.
Bonnie and Caroline exchange another look. Elena points to the floor and mouths Damon can hear us. The girls both nod but still look like they want to say something else. Elena hopes they never bring Damon up again. It's exhausting, trying to figure out her feelings for him. Talking to Bonnie, who hates him, and Caroline, who was used by him, will certainly not help. And even if it would, what would she say? Damon is just doing this because Stefan's in the tomb. The just makes it a bold faced, see through lie. He's different with me? Duh. He drives me crazy like no one else does?
Sometimes he stands too close and I can’t breathe?
So yeah, never bringing Damon up again would be good.
“Caroline,” Elena says firmly, no room for any further discussion about Damon. “What's going on with you and Matt?”
Caroline groans as she caps the nail polish. “I wish I knew! He's being weirdly jealous about Tyler and I spending so much time together. But I can't exactly tell him why. Ever since Tyler came to the door after Matt told me he missed me, Matt hasn't looked me in the eye.”
Bonnie shakes her head as she blows on her nails to dry them. “I still can’t believe Tyler did that.”
“Wait, I only heard a bare bones version of this. Rewind.” Elena's not sure when Caroline started telling Bonnie more details of a story but she doesn't like it. Her drama may be life and death but it doesn't have to consume her yet. There needs to be room for Caroline's drama and manicures in it. There needs to be room for life in her life.
So Caroline vents about Matt and Tyler and the weird vibes and afterward she sighs. “Guys, I’ve missed this. It’s normal.”
Bonnie laughs. “Yeah, normal. You painted our nails in like 2 seconds and your love triangle includes a vampire and a werewolf. That’s normal.”
“Shut up Bonnie,” Caroline says primly. “Just for that, you have to tell us what’s going with you.”
“What about me?”
“Don't play coy. Jeremy Gilbert. What's going on?”
Elena smiles. She knew she wasn't imagining the way Jeremy said Bonnie's name.
“Do you have to say his whole name?”
“Do you have to deflect the question, Bonnie? Spill.” There’s a light in Caroline’s eye Elena hasn’t seen in weeks, a light that almost, almost drowns out the haunted look, and she finds herself leaning in to hear the details, even though it’s her brother and her best friend and will take a lot of getting used too.
Elena looks at her best friends as Bonnie blushes and Caroline pushes for more information and she realizes she hasn’t felt this happy in months. They watch a movie later with everyone and eat too much popcorn and then they all sleep in Elena’s bed, three peas in a pod, and it’s way too tight a fit but exactly what they need.
There’s no more weirdness between Caroline and Bonnie anymore, obviously, but Elena sleeps in the middle, just in case.
&
Just because Elena hasn't done anything dumb in a month doesn't mean it can't happen. So Damon doesn't let even the smallest thing pass when it comes to Elena.
“Damon, stop,” Elena says with fire in her eyes. She tries everything to move around him, to get away from him, but he’s always one step ahead of her. “Damon, seriously, get away. I’m not going to do anything stupid.”
Damon blocks her again. “Of course you are. What are you up to?”
“Nothing! I'm in my pajamas! It's the middle of the night. What could I possibly be doing right now?”
“I don't know, I don't know how your mind works. I only know that you've been waiting for the right moment since Richmond.”
“Will you stop punishing me over Richmond? I won't apologize for trying to keep the people I love safe!” Elena explodes.
“And maybe that's what we're trying to do with you!” Damon hisses back.
Elena's eyes widen and something tinges in the back of her mind, something she wants to remember but is out of her grasp. Damon leans in closer, invades her space the way he always does. Elena has a million things on her tongue, a million snide remarks, tender retorts, stuttering replies. She feels as if she's on the edge of something but she's not sure which way to go, which way she wants to go.
“I thought it was because you didn't trust me.”
“I don't. I don't trust you not to sacrifice yourself for the rest of them. Have you ever for a second thought how they would feel to be left behind?”
“The rest of them?” Elena pushes.
Damon's eyes flare dangerously. “Careful, Elena. There are doors you don't want to open.”
“Because I'll find a monster behind it?”
“Because once it's open, it might not close.” It's a testament to years spent in darkness that he's able to make it sound like a threat.
Elena glares at Damon and his infuriating non answers, at the way he hints and teases but always keep the truth just far enough away. She locks eyes with his gorgeous blue ones, and she feels something inside her snap, something that is sick of fighting it. Elena's sick of fighting everything, fighting her life, and it turns out this is one battle she's OK with losing.
She can see Damon comes to the same decision she does and she'll never know who kisses who first. It's not a sweet kiss, like those shared with Stefan, or tentative like Damon's kiss on the porch with Katherine had been when he thought she was Elena. Elena pours all her anger and frustration and recklessness into the kiss and Damon responds in kind. It’s bruising and rough and frantic. It’s the kind of kiss that suggests dirty things against the refrigerator and no sheets on the bed the next morning.
Kissing Damon is a struggle for control, a struggle for self control, a struggle not to rush to all the other wonderful things kissing can lead too. It's the snarky comments, the narrowed eyes, the rare declarations all rolled into soft lips and cold hands and that should be illegal it feels so good.
Damon lifts her onto the kitchen counter and she wraps her legs around his waist, pulling him closer, pushing herself flush with his body. She can't breath without touching his body and it's still not close enough. In between wet, wicked kisses, he licks his way up her neck, nips behind her earlobe, bites the corner of her lip. Elena’s breath comes in spurts and she thinks she may be dying from how lightheaded she is. Her hands have a mind of their own, searching for purchase underneath Damon’s t-shirt before he just gets rid of it. Her skin feels fevered where he touches her, as if he is leaving a trail of fire across the planes of her stomach, the expanse of her back. He mouths the edge of her tank top and all Elena can think is more more more and Damon does nothing but oblige.
Suddenly, loudly, someone flushes the toilet upstairs. The sound of the water rushing through the pipes is amplified in the silence of the night and Elena freezes against Damon. The floorboard creaks as the person walks back to their bedroom and then it is silent again.
Damon turns back to Elena but the spell has broken. He presses little kisses on Elena’s pulse and she lets her head fall forward on Damon’s shoulder. “That was close.”
“Are you talking about someone being awake and catching us or about how you were almost naked on the kitchen table?” Damon raises an eyebrow, purposely being blunt. He needs to see how Elena will respond to this, needs to know if what just happened is something she’ll regret.
Elena purses her lips. “Both, I guess,” she muses. “Although the kitchen table part more. I’m more of a soft surface girl.”
Damon smiles back and it’s the rare smile that reaches his eyes and transforms his face. He looks lighter than Elena’s ever seen him before and it’s easy to see the younger, less damaged person Damon must have been. “Duly noted.”
Elena looks past him. “Damon,” she breathes. “It’s snowing.”
She drags him to the front door to watch the white powder fall lazily to the ground. It's only a light dusting, not much at all, but it's the first snow of the year and pretty in the dark night. Damon's seen snow hundreds of time, maybe even thousands, and he finds himself bored very quickly.
But then Elena shyly threads her fingers through his and squeezes and it’s the best snowfall Damon’s ever seen.
&
Damon once told Elena that she had more in common with Katherine than her looks.
Elena once told Damon that it’d always be Stefan.
It takes a while but they eventually realize these were lies.
&
Elena wakes up the next morning with a smile on her face. She's the only one in bed but she can hear Caroline in the kitchen talking about coffee and breakfast. She shrugs on an oversized sweatshirt over her pajamas before making her way into the bathroom to brush her teeth. As she’s brushing, she looks into Jeremy’s room and almost chokes on the toothpaste.
Her brother is shirtless and has Bonnie up against his desk. Their lips are fused and Bonnie has her hands tangled in Jeremy’s hair and one leg wrapped around Jeremy’s knee, pushing her body into his. Elena watches, shell shocked, as Bonnie runs her newly manicured nails against Jeremy’s bare back. She moves her head to the left, gasping for air, and Jeremy moves his mouth to her neck.
At Bonnie’s moan, Elena moves into action. She pulls the bathroom door to Jeremy’s room closed quickly, leans against it and wishes for bleach in her eyes.
When she goes downstairs, Damon is making pancakes and charming Jenna. Alaric and Caroline are reading the paper and Caroline smiles brightly when she sees Elena. “There you are, sleepyhead. Where’s Bonnie?”
Elena makes a sound that’s something between a laugh and a choke. She’s happy for them, really happy, but she didn’t need to see half naked make outs first thing in the morning. “Right here!” Bonnie says, a little too chipper, as she runs down the stairs.
“Your hair is a mess,” Elena whispers. Caroline hears everything clearly but leans in closer anyway, sensing a story. “Next time you want to maul my brother first thing in the morning, can you make sure the door is closed?”
Bonnie’s mouth drops open and she puts her head in her hands.
Caroline claps her hands in delight. “Oh my god, Bonnie!”
Any subtlety that Elena had been trying for is gone. Jenna turns from the counter. “Bonnie have you been making out with my nephew?”
“Look,” Bonnie pleads. “It just sort of happened. I mean, we’ve had this tension lately and I was planning on staying away from him but then. I don’t know.”
Elena shakes her head. “If you say, then I saw him shirtless, I may vomit in my mouth.”
“But what if it’s the truth?” Bonnie teases, her face burning, and Caroline and Jenna literally squeal.
Jeremy chooses that moment to come down the stairs with a shirt on, thank goodness. He stops with a few to go, sees the curious looks on Caroline and Jenna’s face, the embarrassment on Bonnie’s, the amusement on Elena’s. “Good morning,” he smiles. He walks up to Bonnie and kisses her soundly on the mouth.
Caroline and Jenna sigh with happiness and Elena averts her eyes. She catches Damon’s look from the stove. “Good God, it's like Us Weekly's offices in here," Damon mumbles at the oven.
Elena laughs. Actually laughs, with eyes crinkling and mouth stretching into a smile. It feels foreign, like her muscles have to relearn the motion, but it's there.
Damon puts some pancakes on a plate and hands them to Elena. She passes them to Jenna before stealing some of the chocolate chips from the open bag by Damon. He narrows his eyes at her but says nothing. She takes a few more and laughs again.
Stefan's still in the tomb with Katherine, Elijah’s out there somewhere, the moonstone's still active, Tyler's a werewolf, and Klaus may kill everyone Elena loves.
The past month, Elena's felt as if nothing's changed. Her life has frozen in place, the terror muted but present in every interaction. But today, everything feels different.
Her brother's dating her witch best friend, her other vampire best friend is mentoring a werewolf, she made out with her ex-boyfriend's brother. Elena still doesn't know what's going to happen in the next hour, day, or week, if Elijah is going to burst through the door at any moment and kill everyone or ask for pancakes and coffee.
So Elena eats some more chocolate chips and helps Damon do dishes after breakfast.
She is, even just for a little bit, happy.
But it's so hard to stand on your own,
Against mirror of glass, hard and cold.
But the clothes I wore just don't fit my soul anymore.
No, the clothes I wore just don't fit my soul anymore.
And the lonesome all understand,
With the choirs in my head.
And we were orphans before we were ever the sons of regret.
+ orphans, gaslight anthem