(no subject)
i feel uneasy. strange dreams from a restless night have made me feel off all day.
we pack the truck tomorrow to move saturday morning.
goodbye, everyone i love.
i have felt strangely disconnected lately. like certain parts of my life have only been a dream and now i cant fall asleep again to get back to it. i talk to people who are doing what i said i was going to do and i feel like a waste. sometimes i worry i am fading from the memories of people who are still so strong in mine.
i dont know what it is, but i am empty and hollow and sad. i thought getting out of here would make that go away. but somehow packing and seeing so much evidence of so many former lives, and knowing that this one is about to go in the same direction only upsets me and makes me feel ghost-like and insubstantial. maybe i can actually feel myself losing significance in the world.
i am edgy and restless and once again have the thought in my head that no decision i make is or can ever be right. the move is already a failed waste of time in my head, as is my last year and a half here. and the time before that? feels like a drug induced hallucination. i am dead inside and full of fear and pain simultaneously. i dont have any proof that i have fucked up again, but i am already certain i have. i had been doing better in the past few months, and now it has all come crashing back. i am alone and devastated with no reason to be.
god i am sick of myself.
we pack the truck tomorrow to move saturday morning.
goodbye, everyone i love.
i have felt strangely disconnected lately. like certain parts of my life have only been a dream and now i cant fall asleep again to get back to it. i talk to people who are doing what i said i was going to do and i feel like a waste. sometimes i worry i am fading from the memories of people who are still so strong in mine.
i dont know what it is, but i am empty and hollow and sad. i thought getting out of here would make that go away. but somehow packing and seeing so much evidence of so many former lives, and knowing that this one is about to go in the same direction only upsets me and makes me feel ghost-like and insubstantial. maybe i can actually feel myself losing significance in the world.
i am edgy and restless and once again have the thought in my head that no decision i make is or can ever be right. the move is already a failed waste of time in my head, as is my last year and a half here. and the time before that? feels like a drug induced hallucination. i am dead inside and full of fear and pain simultaneously. i dont have any proof that i have fucked up again, but i am already certain i have. i had been doing better in the past few months, and now it has all come crashing back. i am alone and devastated with no reason to be.
god i am sick of myself.