(no subject)
oops. im such a bitch. i wish i could feel more. but i dont.
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
so i thought i was crazy in love with tim a few months back. i thought we were perfect. but when he betrayed me and lied to me, it was my pride that was hurt, more than my heart. did i ever really love him?
i have no idea. 20/20 hindsite and all that jazz.
wen he left me, i wasnt even that angry. i was annoyed. that he would play all those silly games and be so immature. i don't even think i like who i was when i was with him. i was some silly little girl, saying all these things that now, i dont think i meant. i dont want the things i said i wanted. im almost glad he abandoned me, so that i can come back to myself.
now, not to toot my own horn, but i know im an awesome girlfriend, and i spoiled him. i have this horrible tendency to be too giving with the people i truly value. its wat i do. and he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend who had cheated on HIM with HIS bestfriend in HIS bed.
ya okay. i know im better than her. so when he left me for her, i realized that someone who wants to be with someone else who has done such horrible and disrespectful things, i know he wasnt for me.
and so he wouldnt even confront me about it to my face, i had to call his mother and get her to make him call me, make him tell me the truth about who he was with. i knew he was with her, i just wanted him to be a goddamn man about it and tell the truth.
i never cried when it ended. i honestly thought i would, but i couldnt. i felt more offended than hurt. my pride wouldnt even let me tell the whole story to anyone. i told people a false story about why we broke up cause i didnt want anyone to know that I was cheated on. me! i didnt want anyone's pity. and now im over it and everything having to do with it. i honestly dont even hold a grudge against him.
i just dont like to hate people, i guess. there's no use in hate.
which is prolly why im so calm about this whole new affair. this, complication. the fact, that after 3 months of no talking, he calls me and says he wants me back? wtf who does he think he is!?
once a cheater, always a cheater, they say. so i said no. i even told him i dont want anyone to know we're talking. yes, we talk on the phone. but its never... substantial. i feel as if there is nothing to talk about. i hate idle chit-chat SO MUCH. but he calls me like, every hour on the hour and i dont know if i can take a whole summer of this.
i dont know what i should do. i dont know why its even a question.
i dont even want a boyfriend right now... im feeling emotionally lax... just lulled out. i just want to be around people i trust and who arent fake and who dont have an agenda.
my dad told my brother he thinks my "lifestyle is too hard on me." maybe im as emotionally exhausted as i am physically.
but that's what this summer is about. im getting away from all the drama and stress and needs of new york. that's what every summer for me is always about. i love being able to come to d.c. and jsut relax and go to work and not have 10 people calling me all the time and to be able to hang out with the the grand total of 4 people i spend time with here. my brother, mother, katie, and carmen(not as much in the past months, but summer can change everything =0] )
life is so simple here. i love it. thank you d.c.
love, panda
p.s. i want weed. =(
the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?
so i thought i was crazy in love with tim a few months back. i thought we were perfect. but when he betrayed me and lied to me, it was my pride that was hurt, more than my heart. did i ever really love him?
i have no idea. 20/20 hindsite and all that jazz.
wen he left me, i wasnt even that angry. i was annoyed. that he would play all those silly games and be so immature. i don't even think i like who i was when i was with him. i was some silly little girl, saying all these things that now, i dont think i meant. i dont want the things i said i wanted. im almost glad he abandoned me, so that i can come back to myself.
now, not to toot my own horn, but i know im an awesome girlfriend, and i spoiled him. i have this horrible tendency to be too giving with the people i truly value. its wat i do. and he cheated on me with his ex girlfriend who had cheated on HIM with HIS bestfriend in HIS bed.
ya okay. i know im better than her. so when he left me for her, i realized that someone who wants to be with someone else who has done such horrible and disrespectful things, i know he wasnt for me.
and so he wouldnt even confront me about it to my face, i had to call his mother and get her to make him call me, make him tell me the truth about who he was with. i knew he was with her, i just wanted him to be a goddamn man about it and tell the truth.
i never cried when it ended. i honestly thought i would, but i couldnt. i felt more offended than hurt. my pride wouldnt even let me tell the whole story to anyone. i told people a false story about why we broke up cause i didnt want anyone to know that I was cheated on. me! i didnt want anyone's pity. and now im over it and everything having to do with it. i honestly dont even hold a grudge against him.
i just dont like to hate people, i guess. there's no use in hate.
which is prolly why im so calm about this whole new affair. this, complication. the fact, that after 3 months of no talking, he calls me and says he wants me back? wtf who does he think he is!?
once a cheater, always a cheater, they say. so i said no. i even told him i dont want anyone to know we're talking. yes, we talk on the phone. but its never... substantial. i feel as if there is nothing to talk about. i hate idle chit-chat SO MUCH. but he calls me like, every hour on the hour and i dont know if i can take a whole summer of this.
i dont know what i should do. i dont know why its even a question.
i dont even want a boyfriend right now... im feeling emotionally lax... just lulled out. i just want to be around people i trust and who arent fake and who dont have an agenda.
my dad told my brother he thinks my "lifestyle is too hard on me." maybe im as emotionally exhausted as i am physically.
but that's what this summer is about. im getting away from all the drama and stress and needs of new york. that's what every summer for me is always about. i love being able to come to d.c. and jsut relax and go to work and not have 10 people calling me all the time and to be able to hang out with the the grand total of 4 people i spend time with here. my brother, mother, katie, and carmen(not as much in the past months, but summer can change everything =0] )
life is so simple here. i love it. thank you d.c.
love, panda
p.s. i want weed. =(