i need to vent.
I swear my life is a fucking rollercoaster. Every day, every hour, there's a new dip or turn or twist and all of it comes soooo unexpectedly. Little things that mean nothing turn into something big. Schoool piles on hella shit at the same time. Core and AKO decide a new meeting time or event or whatever. My family needs me here or there or whatever. Nothing is certain, and every minute of the day something changes or comes when I least expect it. My life is sooo hectic right now and I just want to put on the breaks and slow down.
I don't know what's been happening lately. I know who I am. I try to be a better person now because of the past. All the shit I've pulled, all the times where I shoulda done something other than what I chose to do, everything. Sometimes I feel like what's the use in trying to show and convince people that I'm a changed person, when in reality I feel like all my efforts are for nothing because no one sees it. For once in my life, I feel like I'm doing something with my life. I'm working hard, managing all the shit I have to do, trying my best to take care of all the things I need to, but yet the people who really matter don't see it. And no, I'm not tryna make myself look hella kawawa or anything, because I'm not. I just need to get it all out, because I feel like I can't explain myself to anyone. I've haven't felt this torn in soo long. Some of my priorities conflict with other ones, and it's hard. There are things I needa take care of sometimes, but I can't because I have to tend to other more important things. It's hard to balance it out because I don't want to fail when dealing with either. I dunno. It's hard to say without saying too much because I don't want everyone to know allll my business.
I'm trying to do big things with my life, and right now I'm taking baby steps to get there. Yeah some of my priorities may be to what people may see as just a club, or just a sorority, or just whatever, but I'm learning from everything. I'm seeing how the real world works. How different people react to different situations. How to lead. How to work. How to make sacrifices in order to get to where you want to go. I'm not fucking around. I'm not going out and having fun, I'm taking care of business. I'm trying sooo hard to let people see who I am today. Not who I was before, because that's just not me anymore. I'm soo past the partying phase, even though I barely got into it. I learned there are better ways to use my time, and I dunno.
Sometimes I just wanna get away. Away from all the shit causing me to stress and just relax. Everywhere I go, I'm thinking of something and I don't wanna worry anymore.
Come to think of it, I'm happy being single. I don't need anyone right now except for the people in my life that I already have. I don't have the time or strength or anything to be attached to anyone right now. I just needa keep focusing on my priorities and shit right now, because everything seems a little bit fucked up, some way or another. I know the other day I said my life was getting on track. It is. I just needa get through all the speed bumps and shit first. Ugh.