Sleep Walking
I can't sleep. Any time I lay down in silence, all I can hear is his voice screaming at me. I can see his face, so angry...I can see the blood on my hands from where I put a stake in his heart. You always have to hit the heart...
When I manage to find a little bit of quiet in my head and I sleep, I just see it over and over again. I see me. I see him. I feel the rain and see the alley, the stake. I know what happens next because I lived it. I did it.
And he's finally gone.
I always wanted to believe that people were good, that they had rights. Demons, too. How can I believe that now? After what I did? I killed him. I killed him in cold blood. He wasn't going to kill me; he needed me. He may have roughed me up a bit, but he wouldn't have staked me.
I'm a murderer. I wouldn't kill demons, so I killed a man? What the hell is wrong with me? My fingernails still have dried blood under them. It's not his. It washed away, but I kept seeing it there, and I scrubbed too hard. It's mine. I guess it's fitting.
Taking his life...it seemed so surreal. Not actually doing it, but afterward. Thinking back. I did it and no real harm came to me. I'm alive; he's dead. It was so easy once I tried. Maybe that's why I never wanted to kill demons. Because of how easy life and death is. I control it. I didn't want to lose myself. Here I am, thinking about it. How easy it was.
I feel so horribly guilty, yet there's this stupid nagging thought. Why didn't I do it sooner? God, I'm such a bad person. He was right about me.
Dylan, Connor, Des, everyone. I can see it. I hurt them. Badly. Because of what I did, there's just so much pain there...I can tell. Do they think I'm just a murderer? Do they think less of me, and they don't want to say it? Do they hate me now? I want to ask, but I'm too scared. I want to explain, but there's nothing I can say. He came after me, we struggled, and he ended up with a stake in his heart. I didn't mean to kill him. Oh God, I really didn't mean to kill him!
They won't understand...Oh, God.
I...
I just have to be strong. For them, for me. I have to make a change. I have to prove that he didn't die for nothing. I owe him that, I do. I have to prove him wrong. I'm not weak. I can do it. I can slay demons. It's what I'm here for. That's my purpose.
I can do it. I can.
When I manage to find a little bit of quiet in my head and I sleep, I just see it over and over again. I see me. I see him. I feel the rain and see the alley, the stake. I know what happens next because I lived it. I did it.
And he's finally gone.
I always wanted to believe that people were good, that they had rights. Demons, too. How can I believe that now? After what I did? I killed him. I killed him in cold blood. He wasn't going to kill me; he needed me. He may have roughed me up a bit, but he wouldn't have staked me.
I'm a murderer. I wouldn't kill demons, so I killed a man? What the hell is wrong with me? My fingernails still have dried blood under them. It's not his. It washed away, but I kept seeing it there, and I scrubbed too hard. It's mine. I guess it's fitting.
Taking his life...it seemed so surreal. Not actually doing it, but afterward. Thinking back. I did it and no real harm came to me. I'm alive; he's dead. It was so easy once I tried. Maybe that's why I never wanted to kill demons. Because of how easy life and death is. I control it. I didn't want to lose myself. Here I am, thinking about it. How easy it was.
I feel so horribly guilty, yet there's this stupid nagging thought. Why didn't I do it sooner? God, I'm such a bad person. He was right about me.
Dylan, Connor, Des, everyone. I can see it. I hurt them. Badly. Because of what I did, there's just so much pain there...I can tell. Do they think I'm just a murderer? Do they think less of me, and they don't want to say it? Do they hate me now? I want to ask, but I'm too scared. I want to explain, but there's nothing I can say. He came after me, we struggled, and he ended up with a stake in his heart. I didn't mean to kill him. Oh God, I really didn't mean to kill him!
They won't understand...Oh, God.
I...
I just have to be strong. For them, for me. I have to make a change. I have to prove that he didn't die for nothing. I owe him that, I do. I have to prove him wrong. I'm not weak. I can do it. I can slay demons. It's what I'm here for. That's my purpose.
I can do it. I can.