(no subject)
8/16/2006 - 8:35 PM EST
tokyo, japan 2
i am put at ease somewhat by the inevitablity of strange and dark days. not light but the opposite, it is inevitable. this hotel room overlooks a city that i do not understand when usually i am overlooking cities that do not understand me. i dont have any "start over" left inside of me. i wish anyone would understand. all roads lead to longing. the neon signs never turn off here. there are oceans inside of me.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
tokyo, japan
its strange the things that inform your writing versus the things that do not. its almost as though your words are shaped more by the things you do not say than the things that you do. there are many thoughts that i am scared to write down for many reasons. "the cancer of time is eating us away. our heroes have killed themselves, or are killing themselves. the hero then, is not time, but timelessness...." henry miller. hung up on three times on a bad connection across the pacific ocean. i rock myself back and forth, this is not happening. people walk by. only eyes and smiles. "yeah im doing good". liar. bullet train from osaka to tokyo. probably should have been the time of my life. i have dreamt of space shuttles and bullet trains since i was a little boy. but it is not. it is a terrible fate to be given up on and only more terrible to give up on someone. the world is going by too fast out the window. it is impossible to even discern if there is a world out there because it is so dark and so fast. but i can only assume that the world did not disappear on me, though i couldnt blame it if it had. i talk to our translator on the ride. i tell her of my life back home, only i am not too sure what my life back home is anymore. i think she takes pity on me and tells me of her great loves and growing up in japan. but i cant think of anything else. my head fades into the violet seat. i push my head to dream of other times but i cant fall asleep. it is pitch black outside but dawn in my insides. when we arrive in tokyo i eat some green tea ice cream, it has a calming affect on me if only for minutes. i then walk around the city until 3am in hopes of getting lost or mugged. no such luck. woke up again today. i believe i must have a disorder of some kind- or else why would i care about things so but act so carelessly. nevermind anything.
Friday, August 11, 2006
osaka, japan
I am awake before the sun is. the sky looks bruised at this hour. at five am I leave the hotel and strike out, not like in baseball but more in the sense of adventure. spent hours trying to call across this ocean before getting through. though i never seem to say what i mean. i wish for once i would. Floor 20 in this hotel is up in the fog of Osaka. It takes me twenty to thirty minutes just to figure out how to get outside. To get to the shop level there is a “park” to walk through- only the sign on the gate says “garden hours 10am to 6pm”- funny it’s the only thing in English I have seen all day. I decide to hop it thinking of the possibility of being thrown in jail or ticketed for something so minor here. But as I do only the sprinklers click on,. The air smells different here, not cleaner or scented, just different. Think of how I would love to spend the day just writing. I want to catalog everything. I want to explore every inch. I want to write myself a letter from the future when all is well and just give myself some kind of comfort. I go on a walk with henry miller in hand. He feels light in my fingers but heavy in my head if that makes any sense at all. my eyes are bleary.not sure if that’s due to the lack of sleep or the way I feel like a baby born into a brand new world. It is humid out, my thoughts stick together. As I walk down the streets there are no faces that look the same as mine. though the sight of me doesn’t seem to shock anyone- as though their eyes have become calloused by countless tourists and hours of music television. I skip the traditional places and end up at an American resturaunt. I am a creature of comfort if nothing else. Though this seems as though it could be the new paris- trade the cafes for noodle shops. The language barrier here is unimaginable, I cant even kind of mispronounce a word. It took me an hour to get coffee. dear expatriates, Lets be strangers. Lets give up what we know- not to have it taken away but in the sense lets abandon it. there are ashtrays everywhere here but no one is ever smoking. Crossing the international date line can drive you to madness. And there is only one refuge from it- countless others have suggested it. a place called arcadia. Deep inside mountains, hidden in our minds. We can meet. We can write. We can love. I sit at the gates and wait for you. it is lush and green and empty. It is yawning wide, its great teeth ready to swallow us inside- but not like a mouth closer to a fortune cookie and we are the fortun(at)e inside. Before the hour is up I will make my way back to my hotel room and out of arcadia. And just sit in the morning buzz of the city, glassy eyed. I only want comfort where there is none. i have never been so wrong about anyone ever. For the record, I am as sorry as I have ever been.
there are words that can be strung together and repeated in my ear in a particular order that will unlock the codes of my heart. i sit and wait on them.
- xo
8/14/2006 - 12:17 PM EST
dear world,
please make me not alone.
- xo
====
Thursday, August 17, 2006
a little life, alot of death (i want to be known for my hits not my mrs.)
i should probably not be typing in this mood. i wish there was a lock on the keyboard. it is too enthralling in a state like this. just like all of this has always been. the world around me has changed as if overnight. "for someone so smart you are acting pretty stupid". i cant focus on but like three thoughts in my head but i am compeltely wrapped in them. they keep me warm at night. i pray for something to crash into me and smash me back to something more simple. i pray for fistfights so i cant be knocked out and wake up in the e.r. i wish for disaster so i can be razed. im telling you if i could do any of it again, im pretty sure i wouldnt. fuck your life under the microscope. fuck your leading man. you have no idea. i wish for five years ago. and not in the way you would imagine either. "you are unfixable". my eyes are washed out but they dont feel clean. they are strong you know not the athletic type, but could definitely used to carrying heavy bags. im guessing in any real light i will delete this, apologies in advance. whatever caption is written next to the picture is the exact opposite of me. i am mapless. you are caught. lets go out and get forgotten.
bad news travels fast. and i am the worst of it.
i am staring at the most beautiful creature on the planet. he has no idea. he is so perfect, it feels like i made him up. i cry into his coat. he has a spot over his eye like dogs from 80s movies. i will always remember the day i met you.
"leave you feelings in your heart boy".
posted by xo @ 11:58 PM
1965
i have carefully ruined every single aspect of my life. in truly new and novel ways.
i was told a tour story of bob dylan- how when you were in his crew on the road with him. when he had his hood up it meant you couldnt talk to him and when he didnt you could. it kind of made me laugh in some strange way.
but mostly it made me think.
posted by xo @ 3:57 AM
Friday, August 11, 2006
the sky is strange half a world away.
i cant wait to get home to you.
posted by xo @ 8:51 PM
since j.t. is bringing sexy back, i guess i am out of a job. is borders hiring?
what is the opposite of amnesia? because that is what i have.
sometimes i cant find my way around my memories.
i have to take detours.
i think you were the best one.
its like it was never really going anywhere and alot of breakdowns but really it made for the best trip.
its strange to land here and be completely out of place.
but at the same time not really.
i never really felt like i understood anything anyone was saying anywhere. so how different can this be?
its like it always was.
i have affection imprinted deep inside my head.
its why am always on the verge of love or giving up.
or thats what i am convinced of today- tommorrow it will be something new.
dear drugstore cowboy, the chemical balance is a bit off.
its 7 am in california, 11pm in japan.
but my head is always on central standard.
how are you gonna get your way out of this one pete?
baby you are a canary and i am a coalmine.
the moon is out and its convincing me, it has me all kinds of crazy.
maybe will just go to sleep and wake up on the summer sheets i grew up on.
because how could any of this be real.
"answer the phone, i know that youre home. i want to get you alone...."
posted by xo @ 7:04 AM
Thursday, August 10, 2006
i spend most of my days in airport lounges waiting.
i am a time capsule.
put something inside of me. i will show it back to you on your deathbed.
my eyes are always rubbed red.
my bestfriend has been designed to perfection- down to the spot over his eye.
everything else is wrecked and broken down on the side of the road, and thats if im lucky.
im always up until it gets light out. waiting.
for thing that never happen.
im leaving on a jet plane, dont know when ill be back again...
in my wallet i carry a letter filled with words i have never told anyone. maybe one day ill get some courage and a stamp.
love the ruiner of hearts.
posted by xo @ 1:19 PM
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
"we didnt care when dylan went electric"...
i leave for japan pretty soon. late tonight the moonlight carved its way into my room as though it was light as day. i was sitting here reading kerouac but not a story, just his journals- him writing about writing. i need to adventure. i need to hear your stories. to hear you singing the words back. to meet you. or else this is all worthless. a house filled with things that dont matter.
icantwaittogetalive.
i worry that you wont be listening to the new songs and hanging on the new lines.
but youve never let me down before.
i miss you so much it hurts to think about.
posted by xo @ 5:51 AM
Sunday, August 06, 2006
heat makes for the strangest of thoughts
th only inevitablity in life in death.
from the moment we are born we are slowly dying.
it is the only thing that remains constant.
how horrifying.
time to go outside and play.
posted by xo @ 2:13 PM
dear 310,
you can truly think yourself to pieces.
writing too fast for you to keep up.
and why would you want to anyway?
true oranges and sedated blues.
or is it the other way around?
i am millers paris.
she is always humming. i hate it.
i wish for autumn. i am always thinking of breath in the air and leaves burning somewhere. somehow i attatch it to feeling okay.
in a running home from school kind of way.
just as easily as you run away from your problems, you can run home to them.
moodswings have kind of become protocol around here. like something you have to cross off of a checklist and then have your supervisor sign.
there isnt enough breeze in the suburbs tonight.
i imagine them to be like italy sixty years ago, only with less flamboyance and wider streets.
my head is sticking to the pillow like sleep doesnt want to let me go.
"diary-ing" hard lately. its terrible that i hate what i am most known for.
its like i always just wanted to mean something more than me and than the goddamned second i did, its all "woe is me". its getting old.
i want to be more.
you make me want to be more.
to be shot out into space or to discover a cure to something terrible.
i cant lie, there is something nice about the midwest. calming.
where your waiter is just your waiter and the doorguy is just the doorguy.
not the place where everyone wants to be something they're not.
not as thought it matters but it feels safer.
she looks at me like she knows how fragile i am.
noones hot foreever.
but i, we, all have inside of us continents like he said. vast and lush.
full of guns and loves.
like the two were different by definition.
but they are the same. linked if only by the way that you will always remember your first ones.
then she said, "many african cultures dont believe in the concept of future".
fuck your futures.
posted by xo @ 12:08 AM
Saturday, August 05, 2006
wait, johnny marr is in fucking modest mouse?
mayday mayday. there has been a fire in the engine room. failure lights are up everywhere.
me and you just like always.
lit like leading actors. bright lights hitting your cheekbones in an otherwise darkened room.
this is disaster.
you smoke that last one down until it burns your fingers.
there is a penny spinning the table and twenty dollars broken like everything else in here.
basement apartments feel like funeral homes sometimes.
took the train just like the old days.
my old days that is. the good old days.
the stops are of comfort to me as they count me down.
when it flips from red to purple i know im getting close.
ran home from the train today.
on streets that knew my name long before anyone else ever would.
my shoes pound on them the same. sweating out a hoody in august just like i would have 10 years ago and 10 years before that.
scary.
i am anonymous to the cars as i run back to the house i grew up in, cutting through the same yards i have cut through for almost 20 years- slowing only when i see the house a block before mine, that signifies my victory lap.
i run up the stairs and throw myself on the bed.
i can only think of before this began and after it ends.
i cant ever get my head around right now.
"red red wine" is playing on the radio in my sisters car.
i saw a good band tonight and thought of good friends-
i only wish i would let my head go to these places more.
im getting sick of saying im sorry.
"i hate you, but have a good night."
posted by xo @ 1:14 AM
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
black holes and revelations.
i wrote a really long entry. than i remembered what you said tonight.
i get it.
"....taking me away from everyone who cares if i live or die...."
ive been giving up on myself one heartbeat at a time.
posted by xo @ 3:19 AM
Sunday, July 30, 2006
the last thing i think of before i fall asleep and the first thing i think of when i wake
regardless of what stars i end up under- for the best and for the worst- you have made me who i am. and i try to make myself more decent and better only because of you.
happybirthday.
posted by xo @ 3:05 PM
Friday, July 28, 2006
everytime i get up he follows under my heels, no matter how asleep he is.
as i run away from everything i have ever known. just whisper in my ear:
"and the tears come streaming down your face
when you lose something you can't replace
when you love some one but it goes to waste
could it be worse?
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
High up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth
Lights will guide you home"
so obvious. so much more brilliant than i could ever imagine to be.
be bright and shine. its dark. im sorry ive come so off course.
tell the pilot to clear us to land in your backyard.
posted by xo @ 11:02 PM
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
and we conspire against ourselves. ("are you lying?" only if her lips are moving).
you spend every waking moment and many sleeping ones thinking of one heart, one person. you let it slip, they let it slip. who knows where it all begins or ends. but as it falls to pieces you keep grabbing them and collecting them less like for a museum of things that used to matter and more like you are going to keep putting it back together. except there are always a few pieces missing each time. deep breaths. slow your heart beat. the road winds. there was a time before you always felt like this. try to remember pete. you are being pulled in every direction. everything is bigger under the microscope. you want it to be simple. you make it complicated. "hey, pete- i am middle ground. how come we've never met before". sometimes i wish i could re-engineer the path from my heart to the tip of my tongue and let my head have a shot at it. i dont got big dreams, i just want to be okay. it comes down to my word versus your word versus the worlds word and i dont think i want to anymore. im worn out. my head is full, my eyes are empty. the dog loves the salt in the corners of my eyes and on my cheeks- i am nervous about cutting it from his diet. and i could never take care of him the way you could. i am a mess and have no idea, ever. i am constantly reminded of how much better i could and should be, and jealous of it, from the children on the street walking hand in hand with their mothers to the homeless man content with his world of a bench. and noone knows the way i spend my nights counting the individuals grains in the tiles in the bathroom, the coolness of the floor the only comfort- or if anyone does they dont want to hear it, i cant blame you... i dont even want to hear it anymore. in the mornings the world is blurry. it comes in and out of focus. this is when its the worst. when i awake from a dream to realize that none of it was real, possibly ever.
one of the only things stranger than realizing you are along in this world, is realizing that you are not.
pupils the size of baby worlds.
every bad decision is put on file for later viewing. mapquest your way back to me, take a turn for the worse and then continue for .5 miles.
i want to file a restraining order against myself.
and i want to be myself again looking at my reflection in your eyes from the first time i failed you. i am nostalgic for disaster. i want it back.
he sleeps sound. he has no care for what buzzes and changes in the world around him.
because of this i envy him.
run away from a city because of one single heartbeat. it doesnt make sense.
its not that i dont trust you, actually it is. and i dont trust myself when i think of you. i sell myself out.
i wish you were awake right now. i just want to let myself be happy.
posted by xo @ 3:53 AM
Sunday, July 23, 2006
we used to talk on the phone every single day (nooneknowshowitreallygoes).
its strange the way people will window shop on your life or score it for style and grace.
my personality and everything about me is just a carefully constructed collage of magazine articles and flashy pictures.
i am (not) real.
the puppy is purple after spilling a grape soda on himself. he then ate the tropic of cancer by miller. paperback, so i guess it went down easier.
sometimes the days spent all by myself in my head are the scariest.
its enough to make you want to pack it up and call it a day.
all i can do is read and write and wait.
ihavecodedmessagesforyou.aretheygettingthrough.
posted by xo @ 8:32 PM
Saturday, July 22, 2006
my phone cuts out in the same place every single day ("the gospel of gossip").
it feels like there is so much to say.
but it can only be said in songs.
please dont go so quickly.
"The city with fires of night seemed an archipelago
Women asked the love and for the dulie
But in my eyes of male horror I remember
The busy ones of the evening were never pretty
Then the day returned but sometimes without sun
To draw up the houses coast at coast at the edge of the streets
Where our lives with the other similar lives are mislaid
Lives trailing their shade while passing in the street
Intercalated in the year they was widowed days
Bloody and slow Fridays of burials
White and whole blacks come from the skies which cry
When the woman of the devil beat her lover"
guillame appolinaire
send me a flashlight. i cant seem to find my faith.
iwishicould.
posted by xo @ 2:17 PM
Sunday, July 09, 2006
i am a lazy sunday afternoon.
me and you and a view.
posted by xo @ 4:27 PM
Saturday, July 08, 2006
the fraternal order of the handsome boy.
ive been watching you from afar
my breath on the inside window as you walk in from the car
candy caned lies in red and white against clashing patterns bending in and out of understanding.
"youre the stranger ive been dreaming of", stranger than any ive ever known.
love through a telescopic lens. when the air is clear i can see how perfect you are for me.
late at night when the city sleeps i cast a spell on you
to make you think of me the very same way i think of you.
i only love how the words feel in my head when i write them.
fireworks over the valley.
how can i tell you i gut people for a living.
that everything you say is likely to end up as evidence when i rewrite history.
over and over again.
how everything you do reminds me of something else, someone else.
how i get paid to be humble and arrogant at the same time,
to be chased and never caught.
that i just want to stay up late and wake up early to talk to you.
that i want to show you all of my jealousy and insecurity and have you not care.
youre like a light switch and i just want to turn you on and watch them all shrink away.
the words come out of my fingertips on impulse. it is instinct.
my head cant keep up.
i envy the comatose. i admire the bedridden.
i am addicted to the way i feel when i think of you.
"im blowing smoke rings around the moon...."
i wish i was the exact opposite of how the world knows me.
posted by xo @ 3:25 PM
Friday, July 07, 2006
im so sorry, but not really. ('straighten up and die right').
i said i want to be rebuilt like a frank lloyd wright only without all of the water damage.
or painted over like a monet only less blurry.
she said "no, youre something different".
like what?
"something better".
it gave me the rush of warm blood like you see in cartoon dogs right before their eyes pop out and all of the bells go off.
my head is spinning like a car off of an icy guardrail.
show me what you are made of.
your eyes were always rolling but youd tilt your head so they were somehow always still stuck on me (have your cake and eat it too).
i feel safe but not like a bet more like the way mothers feel when the lock the car doors in bad neighborhoods.
i am blue waves across the red rootlike veins in the bodies drawn flat in medical books. i wonder at the way that someone can write thousands and thousands of pages about my insides.
when i met you i gave you a name- not your own- but in my head so i wouldnt ever mix you up with anyone so ordinary- i cant tell you- but to me it meant salvation.
you only wanted reaction.
but i cant be bothered.
not anymore.
ill see you in the spring. first pew on the left. wear your white veil and dont forget the words.
warped tour. sun drenched days. bestfriends. new roads.
so long salvation.
dont worry your pretty little heads.
i am sleeping safe tonight.
posted by xo @ 11:40 PM
posted by xo @ 11:40 PM
his and hers.
sometimes i cant wait to be forgotten.
i wish i could put up an away message in real life and just go to sleep forever.
posted by xo @ 3:10 AM
Saturday, July 01, 2006
sex and the city (the part theyll never tell you)
its strange here this time of year. because the weather never changes.
it is always summer here. so it doesnt feel like the same desperate love of these three pages on the calander. or at least not what i am used to.
patrick and i wrote a song yesterday. not a hit single or maybe anything that would even turn your head.
but this song feels alright. from my ankles to the ends of the hair on my head.
noone knows how it goes.
sometimes the worst wishes are the ones that come true.
yellow and white lines to the coast.
you can learn to love anything if its around enough.
some people learn to love their mistakes.
shakes hands. "thank you, our time is up".
what keeps you coming back?
i got a long rap sheet.
(the statute of limitations is running out on you pretty fast).
the powders wet. the sparks arent coming.
the hammer isnt hitting. its spinning.
you can learn to love anything.
posted by xo @ 11:22 PM
we put the fun in funeral
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
what are they going to arrest me for? being awesome?
i woke from this dream today: i was riding a motorcycle in the desert with this wolf jumping next to me the whole time. it could jump really far. then my dad was there and he said the wolf was bad news and couldn't stay. i lost it and picked up one of those desks with the table attatched (you know like from little hous eon the prairie) and asked him if he wanted to die. he said yes. then i threw the desk and he said no he didnt right before he died. i then woke up and brushed my teeth but the toothpaste tasted like it had gone bad. then i woke up for real.
kind of crazy.
i had to call my dad and make sure i wasnt throwing desks at him over wolves. you know.
food for thought again, consider this crash dieting.
patrick could sing the phonebook and you would still swoon.
currently writing songs.
sometimes i watch kids in spelling bees and get so jealous of the talent they have. i wonder what it would be like.
did you see the corners of my mouth turn up for a second today? cause i caught you looking.
more tommorrow. i miss being on tour. i miss playing shows every night. i hope you love the new songs so we can play more shows.
cantsleepcantsleepcantsleep.
"we must never be apart"...
watch: barfly
read: death in installments
posted by xo @ 1:12 AM
Sunday, June 25, 2006
i am your best imaginary friend. (white lies, gray love).
at the end of it the only thing that we are promised in life is a hole in the ground. sometimes it gets you through the rough patches just to think that you could change someone. it makes you love them to think that they would change for you. but like i said before its more like the james bond series than anything else- different actors, same character. same shitty dialogue, same shitty songs for the same hearts. and anyone that says any different is a goddamned liar or worse, is just too much of an optimist to pay anything mind. talking to you is like selling fire in hell. it can be done, but youre probably gonna have to tell a few white lies to make it happen. and anyone that changes only does it in front of your eyes and changes back when in the blackness of their own room. anyone can paint a gutter to make it look like gold. it only feels strange when the paint washes away. "love me with your head, not your heart". cigarettes on window sills. i love the way the smoke curls off of your lips. it makes me think we are in a period piece until the lexus hybrid drives by the front of your house. its efficient, just like you. went to the pride parade today just because i wanted to be somewhere and not fit in with everyone else. besides no one gives a compliment like a drunk gay man. when you are thinking about the first place where it all went wrong- please keep me in mind. you are ancient history- whichever side of this sentence you are on doesnt feel so great. you lob reassurance at me only im playing a different game. sometimes you just want to know that all is okay with the world and that you can sleep tight. only it never is when you need it to be. i keep talking and never say a thing. sleep easy. be well.
i am still. i cant think of a single thing. it hits me like a wave. get me out of my mind.
"ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit"
i am a sentimental pessimist, dont believe the fucking smile ever.
love,
the hot mess.
posted by xo @ 10:30 PM
Thursday, June 22, 2006
i pack heat like an oven door.
the circles under my eyes are a sign that says "do not trespass".
there is moss growing on the roof of my mothers room.
i am jealous of the time she spends thinking of it.
it is bright. no matter what chemicals they spray it with-
it thrives.
and late at night the rain falls like bachelors for bad luck girls.
i am jealous of the way it breathes the drops while i just heave.
if i had any sense id send her a thank you note for the way my heart wont ever give up on someone.
my dad was a weekend warrior.
but at least he was fighting.
usually with my mother or mortgage broker on the other end of the phone,
as i was hushed and pushed out of screen doors.
if i had any sense id send him a thank you note for my sense of adventure.
consult the map of a world that does not exist.
simply part of the no future generation.
only (st)all(ed) dogs go to heaven, only the wrong dreams come true.
sleepwalk of the stars. there is too much green to feel blue.
i am as jealous of the late bloomers as i am of the wallflowers.
in this world of shit. fertilize me.
dont worry, youre safe.
i am just a tiger sleeping in the shade.
just tiptoe by.
blackmail myself.
give us what we want or youll never see what you love again.
i thought you said you were "non habit forming".
i thought you said you were "safe to use at night".
"use only as directed" and so on.
i came back to you.
only its more like a relapse.
count a thumb then two fingers in.
thats the one i want.
posted by xo @ 3:52 PM
Monday, June 19, 2006
im pretty much just a lawyer with the way im always trying to get you off
i dont mean to have you worried or troubled. its the last thing i want. never take anything i ever say too seriously. youd need a search party to track my moods. who knows where they went? i guess this doesnt make sense. but in some strange way this is me saying thank you for always being there on the other side of this monitor.
i am watching reality bites right now.
the most exceptional thing about you is how ordinary you believe you are.
i want to be kept.
i am a bull.
she is a china shop.
posted by xo @ 9:44 PM
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
blue pills / black nights
history has proven that
you can put despair on play/repeat and it will go on forever.
and if its loud and bright enough it doesnt matter how much money you have to buy the things you want or how brilliant you are told you are or how the right girls smile at you or how the best cameras flash at you.
it is all you will hear or see.
posted by xo @ 12:23 AM
Saturday, June 10, 2006
lets be alone, together.
"here we are, alone again. its all so slow, so heavy, so sad... ill be old soon. then at last it will be over. so many people have come into my room. theyve talked. they havent said much. theyve gone away. theyve grown old, wretched, sluggish, each in some corner of the world". celine "death on the installment plan"
i think i hear the tapping of rain on the roof but only in my head because i wish it so. i have some romantic idea of myself in some dirty apartment in paris writing words that will be critically analyzed and translated into languages from countries that i didnt even know existed. but this isnt france in the 30's and i dont have the knack for that kind of wit. tried to put my hand through a wall today in a disagreement i had with myself. i came out ahead and behind if you get my meaning. i think i just wanted a wound to take care of as they seem to be easier to look after than either a plant or a dog. stubborn and stupid are not far off from eachother in the dictionary. we have the same conversations day-in and day-out, im not sure why i even call anymore. just so its not just me talking to myself. though it seems to often be that anyway. im not sure if its schedule or love, i am thinking it is closer to an addiction that just cant be broken. even when it goes into remission its just a phone call or bad day away. i have to hope everyone and everything else is just like this as well or else this is gonna be a pretty lonely ride that goes on for far too long. i am looking at each word that proceeds the word i am currently typing. they look terrible to me right now. or even write now.
dear liar, how could i ever ask you to stop. that would be like telling a carpenter he couldn't use a hammer or more like a surgeon he couldnt use a scalpel, because you are indeed precise.
sometimes it feels like i am addressing myself.
sometimes i think i always stay in hotels so i can be by myself surrounded by people who are also by themselves.
posted by xo @ 10:36 PM
Friday, June 09, 2006
jim dear and darling.
sometimes its like whats the point in anything. i am glad i have figured you out. it took one million times. but on one million and one i gave up on you. its the opposite of losing your virginity, its the opposite of dreams.
im glad i got the chance to be a complete nerd and talk to superheroes on the red carpet. im glad i didnt waste it on movies and people i wasn't obsessed with. i am glad i am three thousand miles away from you right now. i am glad for the view out of my window. it doesnt feel like a prison, more like a new start. its funny the way a wish and a curse are so close to eachother, just like a grudge and a promise.
thank god that shit wasnt live cause i have a mouth like a sailor. edit.
im not a boomerang and youre not badnews. were just nothing at all. thanks for helping me figure it out. two lies in one sentence has to be a new record for you, so congratulations.
sometimes the people that i only know through these songs and this screen make up for onjes i have known for years. thank you for your birthday wishes. they meant alot to me. whether you know it or not.
the birds are starting to sing the world awake at my house. get here soon morning.
"i wish i could stop being around people, i guess i am just addicted to it..." w.e.
posted by xo @ 2:19 AM
Monday, June 05, 2006
Stick around long enough and everyone becomes a parody of themselves (see also: if it could happen to the egyptians it could happen to you).
As Egyptologists cast open tombs they serve as gods like isis welcoming history back to life. it seems strange to think of the way that the very thing that gives me life, oxygen, tears through these tombs and disintegrates heirlooms that have lain in shadows for thousands of years. youve done this 27 times before, youd think youd get the hang of it by now- a night spent in the hotel room alone realizing how you always change tense mid-thought. You order room service for two because you don’t want the hotel staff to think you could be this alone. Youre only as old as you feel. Then put a toe tag on me that reads “who cares”. At some point you realize Its all a game of “this” or “that”. now vs. then. "Better off" against "worse for the wear"- you know, id rather be a widow than a divorcee. Maybe that’s just me. I just wanted to feel a part of something. You cant blame me but at the same time you probably should. I sat and stitched this Frankenstein relentlessly but you gave it that final kiss of life. The years are starting to take their toll. The miles show in the form of smile lines around my eyes.
Some girls should get fixed like cats. Though I love the way she has memorized a list of canonized books that she tells people are “her favorites”, even though they are pretty much just off of a list of “customers who bought this book also bought” and so on. She watches the history channel and acts like it gives her the license to input “facts” into every phone conversation I ever have. When she gets dressed up she says things like “I feel like im walking on air”, and besides being obvious and derivative I also happen to know its not true. because ive seen the kind of shoes she wears and she always has to take them off if the car is parked too far away. Id hate it but anything sounds okay coming out of her mouth. Youre only still staring because in my mind I am reloading. Or this thing is fucking stuck in the chamber. Stutter. Its on the tip of my tongue. Cant think of a single fucking segue. I wish my ego and my libido would trade places. I wonder how the pharaohs would feel if they realized they never made it across to the other side. They are sitting on the third floor of the natural history museum. Forever. If I die before you I hope they bury you alive with me. In my head that is how I love you.
you dont hate me, you hate the part of you that is like me. i cant sit here and ride my flaws until the end because the truth is i live the charmed life. because of you and them. we are a gang. maybe its time to disband. im not sure i am thinking clearly but i just want you to know that i waited on you guys calls all night- they never came. i just wanted to say i miss you or im sorry or you know something that would have meant something to you. i would have made it poetic and memorable or at least something you could laugh at while drifting off to sleep. always trying to relive the glory days.
i dont care how poorly these sentences were constructed or how in the light of day i will wish i had not written them- right now i can only curse the fucking light off of this stupid western city because it wont ever get dark enough for sleep but otherwise how could you guide your way back here?
my head always feels warm right before i pass out, i always worry that there is something wrong and i wont wake up or you know i will. promise me that you wont take anything i ever say too seriously.
posted by xo @ 12:18 AM
Thursday, June 01, 2006
a letter to myself 10 years ago, from myself today (idea lifted from d.e.)
dear peter,
the first and foremost. i miss you. not the people around you or the world you call yours. i am not who you think i am. i am not who they say i am- by "they" i mean the lovers and the haters. i am in between, still normal and ordinary. i dont know what you would think about the place i am standing right now. its funny i never pictured myself here, simply because i did not picture myself existing anymore. i am sure you know what i am getting at. its kind of funny almost. after seeing the top and the bottom. id have to say there is a much better view from the top, but you have alot more friends at the bottom. even when im trying to disappear its halfhearted. im almost there. you know? the only thing you got is that goddamned pen forever. it will be buried in your hand. youre gonna learn alot of things but none of them will include: unconditional love, modesty, grammar, or impulse control. id like to think that you wouldnt hate me. but who am i kidding? spotlight or no spotlight thats always kind of been your thing- its just kind of funny that its in fashion right now. i never did anything just for a buck back then, and i still wont. dont give up on me. in some ways i think i am walking away from all of this as we speak. here are some books you should read they will make your head rest easier at night, more importantly they will help you understand yourself:
the old man and the sea
our lady of the flowers
the green hills of africa
the motel life
the every boy
the heart of darkness
first love, last rites
take care of yourself. i am waiting on a letter from ten years from now.
posted by xo @ 2:05 PM
we put the fun in funeral
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
"the language i speak is hate and my verbs are my fists"
clam up everytime you ever try to say anything real to anyone outloud without the red light or microphone.
endearing? pathetic?
lose the question marks.
edit.
we should do this more often.
reality television without the cameras.
a ticket. a miss. a loss. a cancellation.
i am the hot mess.
"downtown girls" are more fun, forever. like he said.
there is not a single word i could write that would make you understand how i feel right now.
please return my spirit to me.
its 8am pete, dont you dare go to sleep.
posted by xo @ 12:03 AM
Monday, May 22, 2006
10 dollars.
Holly Golightly: You know those days when you get the mean reds?
Paul Varjak: The mean reds, you mean like the blues?
Holly Golightly: No. The blues are because you're getting fat and maybe it's been raining too long, you're just sad that's all. The mean reds are horrible. Suddenly you're afraid and you don't know what you're afraid of. Do you ever get that feeling?
Paul Varjak: Sure.
Holly Golightly: Well, when I get it the only thing that does any good is to jump in a cab and go to Tiffany's. Calms me down right away. The quietness and the proud look of it; nothing very bad could happen to you there. If I could find a real-life place that'd make me feel like Tiffany's, then - then I'd buy some furniture and give the cat a name!
posted by xo @ 8:09 PM
Sunday, May 21, 2006
at night your body is a canvas
and i am the greatest artist that has ever lived.
currently: trying to lose all my sensitivies and sensibilities. gotta keep running even though we lapped them. trying to become the person i am supposed to be.
posted by xo @ 1:12 PM
Saturday, May 20, 2006
if i could do this all over i dont know that i would have called anyone at all.
"all i have in this world is a pistol and a promise, a fistful of dollars, and a list full of problems".
spent the day figuring out my size in jeans and then buying two sizes smaller. the rest of the day will be spent painting them on my body.
it gets harder everytime i have to pull out of your driveway and fly out of your life. this thing was the reason i met you and you are the reason i wrote the words and it is the reason we are ruined. itd be funny if it wasnt so pathetic.
im guessing that if you looked up jealousy in the dictionary- there would be a picture of me.
i heart upton sinclair even though he did not write the above quote.
posted by xo @ 4:52 PM
Friday, May 19, 2006
is that your ego in your pocket pete or are you just happy to see me?
the truth is it feels foreign everytime a face graces the cover of one of "those" magazines or one of "those" countdowns. because all of the words are about how i wanted to cut my insides out. it makes me feel uneasy. the smile on my face is just so you wont ask me whats the matter.
today i thought about walking into traffic. not to die but because i am fascinated by injury. its probably good that "those" thoughts are so fleeting.
someone thought theyd go out and teach my heart a lesson.
lil' wayne "the carter 2" is keeping me out of my mind.
posted by xo @ 1:24 AM
Wednesday, May 17, 2006
friends that lay together, stay together or how the thoughts in my head go, unfiltered.
forgive me for not showing more remorse- apologies were never really my thing- outside of feeling sorry for myself. the last nail in your coffin got stuck in the mail. youre gonna have to wait. until then focus on love below the waist. they say your head can be a prison- consider this a conjugal visit. my dad calls girls he dated back in highschool "old flames"- like it makes them feel better in his own head. he always asks my mother if "he's still got it?" but would anyone answer this question with a "no", like ever in history? its like i can't think of myself getting older without thinking about the way my father is 30 years older than me. theres not much that terrifies me more.
if i ever freely gave out the details of any of these events- theyd fucking lock me up and throw away the key. but thats okay as long as the place has 24 hour room service and a stocked mini bar.
everything everwhere is a roll of the dice. and the best way to make it through life with hearts and wrists intact is to realize "two out of three aint so bad". except when you throw a hail mary and its not caught. dont bet it all on anyone, ever, except yourself.
ive got alot of "Friends" but only one or two friends. you wouldnt like me if you saw the inside of my head but you might love me anyway.
everyone sends the everyone the same lyrics as though they were written exactly for their hearts. but they werent. they were written because someone had a mortgage to pay.
noone owes me anything. no empathy or truth, little trinkets or kind words. at the end of the day im just a boy. and i know that. im okay with that.
she is a STARVINGmakeupARTIST. we exchanged sloppy kisses in the rain until i realized that she was only in it for the rain.
"tell the world to leave me the fuck alone, ie "please find me a home"..."
posted by xo @ 3:01 PM