Thankful for... what again?
So hard to be thankful in a year fraught with crisis. 2 weeks ago my best friends son attempted suicide. He failed so we are thankful of that, but all too aware of the elements that led up to it.
But when I have needed help it simply wasn't there. I have in the last year been repaid in betrayal. I helped someone I thought to be a friend only to have her cost me my apt. Something I still haven't recovered from.
And while I have any number of friends who would help if they could they simply aren't in any position to do so...
So I spend this day, during which others are with family and I am not with mine, trying very hard to be less resentful let alone thankful. Resentful of my own shortcomings, of those who take advantage of my compassion (which I refuse to number among my shortcomings) and the lack of any source of help that doesn't essentially stop to remind you are shit for needing it.
I suppose I can be thankful I am alive to endure all this... but somehow that seems a rather hollow victory.
Oh well... maybe next year. Besides... the day isn't over yet. Maybe I will get an early Christmas miracle. The gods will drop a benefactor in my lap... LOL
But when I have needed help it simply wasn't there. I have in the last year been repaid in betrayal. I helped someone I thought to be a friend only to have her cost me my apt. Something I still haven't recovered from.
And while I have any number of friends who would help if they could they simply aren't in any position to do so...
So I spend this day, during which others are with family and I am not with mine, trying very hard to be less resentful let alone thankful. Resentful of my own shortcomings, of those who take advantage of my compassion (which I refuse to number among my shortcomings) and the lack of any source of help that doesn't essentially stop to remind you are shit for needing it.
I suppose I can be thankful I am alive to endure all this... but somehow that seems a rather hollow victory.
Oh well... maybe next year. Besides... the day isn't over yet. Maybe I will get an early Christmas miracle. The gods will drop a benefactor in my lap... LOL