(no subject)
sometimes i feel like i wish i could do a complete 180 and see what my life would be like. i wish i could meet just one good guy out there what would help me realize i dont need to be bad to have fun. i dont know what i would do if i truely did meet that one special guy though. i dont really hang out with the best crowd partly becasue i have the mind set that if i do i will become a goodie good that doesnt have any fun. but im my head i know that is cpmpletely untrue.
i guess i cant blame anyone else for where i am today. no one has made me what i am besides me. i regret alot about that too. i blame myself for all my life struggles and for turning out the way i am. my mind is racing and everytime i go back to read this it doesnt make any sense to me. i hate the numb feeling you get and feeling like you dont belong. i hate how i take down ppl with me when they dont deserve it. i honestly thought my high school years were going to be the best part of my life but they havent been and i dont know how to make them better.
i want my parents to be able to smile and be proud of me and not have to ask me what i did this time. before i felt like alot of teenagers do i guess. i thought fuck my parents if i were on my own i would be okay i dont need them to hold my hand but now i feel like a lost cause and i need them to pick me up again. right now i dont really know how im going to make myself feel better i know i cant go back to my old ways but i dont know if im strong enough to stay away. i know i cant do this on my own and i dont even think i can fix my mistakes. i feel like i have lost cause stamped on my forehead and my footing pulled out from under me. i am falling slow enough for me to see my life flash by and looking down to see what i will become and i dont know how to stop this feeling that i have done.
i want to look back on my life and be able to smile and say those were the good old days but the way things are going now i dont think i will ever be able to which really sux ass!
i guess i cant blame anyone else for where i am today. no one has made me what i am besides me. i regret alot about that too. i blame myself for all my life struggles and for turning out the way i am. my mind is racing and everytime i go back to read this it doesnt make any sense to me. i hate the numb feeling you get and feeling like you dont belong. i hate how i take down ppl with me when they dont deserve it. i honestly thought my high school years were going to be the best part of my life but they havent been and i dont know how to make them better.
i want my parents to be able to smile and be proud of me and not have to ask me what i did this time. before i felt like alot of teenagers do i guess. i thought fuck my parents if i were on my own i would be okay i dont need them to hold my hand but now i feel like a lost cause and i need them to pick me up again. right now i dont really know how im going to make myself feel better i know i cant go back to my old ways but i dont know if im strong enough to stay away. i know i cant do this on my own and i dont even think i can fix my mistakes. i feel like i have lost cause stamped on my forehead and my footing pulled out from under me. i am falling slow enough for me to see my life flash by and looking down to see what i will become and i dont know how to stop this feeling that i have done.
i want to look back on my life and be able to smile and say those were the good old days but the way things are going now i dont think i will ever be able to which really sux ass!