(no subject)
it's hard to believe that this research project is over... what happens now? i feel excited and scared about what lies ahead. i have been feelilng more disconnected than before, now iwth exams and finals and papers and self reflection and maybe i sit thre and think too hard about what im writing, and it makes sense to me, and i feel like i keep repeating the same garbage over and over again. its like recycling. mayne i can somehow make it less robotic .. but tthat just takes more time. and then i cant do... do what. relax. i havent even exercised in how long?
i just had this huge urge to get on the eliptical and just sweat it all out listening to this om om om over and over again.
i cant even sit and read but i can. i just cant pick up another book. im so tangential and discursive. i hope that makes sense.
watching ashlee cunsolo willoxs documentary out in rigolet was just pulling me there. i want to do research out in the beautiful serene frosty snow... talking to people... figuring out different ways of life, watching how they are so much butter than this western bullshit.. I remember being in elementary school, watching the little program at cedar drive with the indigenous kids and i wanted to learn about their culture. i wanted to be part of it to be part of soemthing. i didnt understand western culture. i didnt really want to. i didnt think that it was a way of life. and its such a fucked up one... everything is about procurement of capital so you survive, youre so important, feed that ego. its disgusting, revolting. sickening to me.
my education has really given me so much. and now i see why people dont want us to be educated and critically think about what is oging on. this disempowerment, enslavement we are in. it really sometimes feels like your voice doesn't matter. you can fight and fight for the "right thing" but sometimes it doesnt happen. you want to make a difference. but it's like..... people dont want you to because it uncovers so much ugly. but the ugly can lead to good. the hard work can be done. you have to be fearless. we are so fearful. yet, the life that we live is fearful. its like one fear or the other. so why not choose to be brave? its like the acute vs chronic erosion. you can endure small amounts of pain over time, rather than a disasterous, burdensome smack in the fucking face. but then it may be over. and i dont want to live a life of fear and cowardice. im not a coward. humans are resilient and can endure a lot. look where we've come from.
I am brave and i want to be fearless.
i just had this huge urge to get on the eliptical and just sweat it all out listening to this om om om over and over again.
i cant even sit and read but i can. i just cant pick up another book. im so tangential and discursive. i hope that makes sense.
watching ashlee cunsolo willoxs documentary out in rigolet was just pulling me there. i want to do research out in the beautiful serene frosty snow... talking to people... figuring out different ways of life, watching how they are so much butter than this western bullshit.. I remember being in elementary school, watching the little program at cedar drive with the indigenous kids and i wanted to learn about their culture. i wanted to be part of it to be part of soemthing. i didnt understand western culture. i didnt really want to. i didnt think that it was a way of life. and its such a fucked up one... everything is about procurement of capital so you survive, youre so important, feed that ego. its disgusting, revolting. sickening to me.
my education has really given me so much. and now i see why people dont want us to be educated and critically think about what is oging on. this disempowerment, enslavement we are in. it really sometimes feels like your voice doesn't matter. you can fight and fight for the "right thing" but sometimes it doesnt happen. you want to make a difference. but it's like..... people dont want you to because it uncovers so much ugly. but the ugly can lead to good. the hard work can be done. you have to be fearless. we are so fearful. yet, the life that we live is fearful. its like one fear or the other. so why not choose to be brave? its like the acute vs chronic erosion. you can endure small amounts of pain over time, rather than a disasterous, burdensome smack in the fucking face. but then it may be over. and i dont want to live a life of fear and cowardice. im not a coward. humans are resilient and can endure a lot. look where we've come from.
I am brave and i want to be fearless.