jimmydean5
in
_ftm_
A Question
Hi guys. I'm questioning going through with transitioning. During this questioning process, I am reflecting upon some life experiences, and I'm wondering if others can relate. As a kid, I felt 100% male and the fact that my body said otherwise was a source of confusion, shame, and generally being a pissed off and very macho kid. When puberty ( Read more... )
Then i went through puberty and thought maybe i should wear dresses in public so no one would sense who i really am, my body developed as a girls should but still maintained a athletic build.
It was as if i suddenly got consumed by the role like an actor in a movie. I had no problems with hiding my 'true self' until one day when it became too much for me and i broke down, i had decided to go see a psychologist and i talked about being transgendered for the first time... such a relief. Within society i am identified as a straight female and at times its like i almost feel i am, but now the only problem i experience is the growing need to become who i really am, all my thoughts revolve around transitioning.
But i fit so well into society as i am... do i really want to change it? I have a steady boyfriend whom i feel is like a bestfriend (sadly for him), my main fear is being accepted by family but with my psychologist i hope to work up to the day that i can finally show everyone who i am, even if in the end i decide not to transition at least i am at ease.
I can identify with my body and i think i could live out my life as a woman since i have developed that 'solid girl/woman self' but i will always live with the feeling i could have been happier if i had transitioned.
Cheers.
Reply
You say that you fit very well into society the way you are, as a "straight woman." I have found that the longer I progress into this transition (i.e. the longer I'm on T, living as male, etc.) the better able I am to see how I *didn't* fit as well as I had thought I did. I was uncomfortable in many ways, but I had numbed myself so thoroughly to my discomfort.
You say that all your thoughts revolve around transitioning. I think that is a major clue to the course of action you should take! As a caveat though: my life experience should not dictate your choices. Also, while I do I think (given the limited info you've supplied here) that transition is likely best for you...it is your life.
I wish I'd started transition at 19. I waited a few more years after 19. If I had a time machine, I would choose to get those years back.
Best wishes!
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