Jan 24, 2012 22:24
So today was the first day of school. I didn't go. I've taken the class twice already, with the same teacher. I know the schedule, I know the material, I don't want to waste my time. I don't care how many times people tell me I "have" to go. I'll go occasionally, but I don't want to sit through 6.5 hours of class when I can do it in the comfort of my own home, at my own pace, without listening to the same friggin' stories. I just don't want to.
I already know the depression is coming back. It was gone for a week. Maybe a week and a half. But I feel it creeping back. My mind is foggy, I'm tired, and I just want to be unconscious for awhile. I can't quite explain the feeling. It's a mixture of fear and anxiety, and restlessness, and disgust. I don't know. But I'm so sick of dealing with this. Once it goes away, it takes me a few days to even realize "Oh hey, it's gone!", and then right after I think that, I think "Oh shit. It'll be back any day now."
I also notice that I'm only concerned with my body during my depressed states. I just spent a little over an hour repeatedly searching "weight loss" on Google. It was compulsive. Open Google Chrome, go to facebook, go to reddit, go to google to check "ways to lose weight fast", and then read a page or two on that. (Unfortunately, it'll only tell me the same things I already know). Then I'd go back to reddit, then back to facebook, then back to google to check "weight loss pills". Wash, rinse, repeat, "juice fast". Wash, rinse, repeat, "detox diets". Wash, rinse, repeat, you get the idea.
I can't even focus on my own son. He's become background noise to me. Unless he directly talks to me, of course. Then I snap out of my fog and interact.
I have a doctors appointment next Tuesday, which is nice. Except, I planned on dropping a bunch of weight and getting my cholesterol in check before my next physical, which naturally didn't happen. Every weight loss plan I make never happens. I've been this size for as long as I can remember, and it hasn't changed. I went from 201 pounds to 223 when I was pregnant. And he's nearly 4 now, and I'm still stuck around 215. I just want to tell her that I'm not okay. I know self-diagnosis is shit, but I'm not okay. I feel like two different people, I feel like I can barely cope with this back-and-forth anymore. I'm 23 years old. It's time I start living.
I took an Alli. I want to feel thin.