the hardest thing
what is the hardest thing you've ever done?
for me it was telling dark_knightly that i couldn't live with her. one moment, harder than 5 years of earning my black belt? totally. she asked me to "keep it off the internet" but i don't think she meant here; i think she meant twitter and facebook, where she still lives. here is a ghost town and since i still ( Read more... )
for me it was telling dark_knightly that i couldn't live with her. one moment, harder than 5 years of earning my black belt? totally. she asked me to "keep it off the internet" but i don't think she meant here; i think she meant twitter and facebook, where she still lives. here is a ghost town and since i still ( Read more... )
I know we're not super-duper close best buddies or anything, but I love you very much as a friend. I am always, ALWAYS, here for you with an ear to listen, a shoulder to lean on (or cry on) and a hug to offer. I'm perfectly willing to curl up with you on the couch and just give you all the emotional and physical support I can provide. You are an amazing man in so many ways, and I'm blessed to have you in my life. I can't imagine what kind of heartbreak you must be facing, but I don't see anything wrong with sharing that in a space that you feel safe. Reaching out, too, can be one of the hardest things to do.
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There are two things that come up as the hardest things I've ever done:
- Living through my husband's affair. It killed me emotionally. I still don't think I have the capacity to "be in love" ever again, at least not in any healthy, trusting way. I've fallen for one person since then, and I reacted in such a violent, surprising way to triggers I didn't even know I had until it was far too late. I've forgiven my ex, at least as much as possible, but I still hold such incredibly deep feelings of unwantedness and rejection that I'm not sure I will forgive every other man who crosses my path for the things he -might- do. But living through those months/years... just literally living without hurting myself in a permanent way, was one of the most painful things I've ever done.
-Having an abortion. I don't talk about this. I don't tell people this. Some of my truly best friends have no idea that this happened. I killed my child because I was 19 and selfish and incapable of being a good mother, and this will be something that haunts me every day for the rest of my life. That's not hyperbole. I can't even really talk about it any more, because I'm starting to lose it.
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"When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart,
and you shall see that in truth you are weeping
for that which has been your delight."
-Kahlil Gibran
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