Updating...
Well on the request of the boyfriend, I had to update. Nothing special's been going on this week. Infact i've never been so incredibly bored in my life. As far as I can remember. Classes have been dumb half my teachers have been MIA the last few days, and all we've gotten is busy work. Stats is actually interesting for once, as were learning about randomness. It takes an entire page of notebook paper to do one problem, but I atleast enjoy them.
And then....
I've never felt like such a bitch in my life, til I read something online. There is a girl I really don't like her at all, infact i've never liked her but she really caused some troubles between my ex boyfriend and I as we were breaking up that was really shady. Long story short her and Andrew dated and have been very good friends for quite some time. I still hate her life for what she has done to me in the past indirectly. Well she's been dating this guy for a long time, and they are ALWAYS fighting non stop. In away I was actually glad that her and this guy were breaking up, not because I like him or anything but because for once she got to feel what I was going through this summer with my break up that she involved herself in. It was bitchy I know, but I was like good I hope he leaves her and I hope she doesn't go running for support from Andrew because that would just flip my lid. Well she has a livejournal type thing, I've read it for quite some time. She wrote about how her parents were getting a divorce and how she almost lost her boyfriend, and how everything is basically going to hell for her. Then I just felt like shit. I mean I understand she was a bitch to me in the past, she set me up to lose the one person I thought was most important in my life, although now I realize was more of a favor, and I sat here playing the same game and was hoping her and this guy would fail on top of all the shit she was going through. I can't believe how much of a bitch I could be just to feel or think that way. How can you hope someone loses someone that means everything to them? I feel incredibly bad now, I mean I doubt she really knew I felt this way. She honestly doesn't like me at all which is fine, she even told a friend of Andrew to tell him not to date me. But deep down it doesn't matter, it shouldn't make a difference how much she hates me or treats me like shit I shouldn't wish the worst on her. So I guess I can say I'm glad her and this guy didn't break up and I hope he's there for her since obviously right now she needs that more then anything. I almost want to tell her that, but thats pushing the line.
So I've decided I'm scared of everything in a relationship. I've realized the more Andrew and I talk the more I like him, and the more that certain conversations come up I am scared more then anything. Its like I'm afraid to like him because he'll be like the rest of the guys i've dated. Which isn't fair to him but its true I'm scared. The last guy I dated, he was my honest first love and it was more of a fling but we had all those feelings again and I was surprised at first I didn't want it, I didn't want him to be close with me again and sooner then I knew it we were back to the way we were three years ago. That lasted a little over a month and behind my back he got a girlfriend and I found out from a good friend that he did and that was the end of that. I was crushed. Before that guy was a guy I dated for a year and a half. I honestly would have done anything for him. His family was my life, and I centered my soul attention on him. I went to everything he ever participated in, I threw him a surprise birthday party, I was always there and constantly doing whatever he wanted when and how. That included a lot of things that I won't mention on here but you can use your imagination. There were a lot of times during that relationship I felt used, but for some reason he could work his way around the word "used" and just made it feel like he really cared about me. Truth be told that he really didn't, there were a lot of things going on behind my back that I didn't know, and that wasn't cheating it was just stupid little things that I was unaware of. He also enjoyed talking me down behind my back. It went on for a long time before we broke up, and when we finally did break up I felt betrayed. But not until I let certain things happen and he just left me. Its like he got what he wanted and left, it was really hard infact I don't even know if i'm over that situation. Not that losing him has been a huge loss, but the feelings I put into that relationship have been hurt a lot. And before him the same situation went down, I was cheated on multiple times without knowledge and lied to numerous of times, and ofcourse as soon as the boy got what he wanted he was gone. I guess the main reason I'm saying all this is because lately it comes up in conversations that I think Andrew's going to cheat on me at school, or jokingly he thinks i'm going to leave him for his roomates. I know Andrew wouldn't, he's honestly to nice of a guy to do that to me and I talk to him so much as is I think he'd get like a kiss in by the time we'd be talking on the phone again. So I'm really not to worried about it, I'm just scared that i'm going to put so much into that relationship and realize that another year was thrown down the drain and the loss of another friend. I think i'm just paranoid. On to other less depressing topics, I have a competition tomorrow. It is our first league meet. We will be placing 4th. lol Sad but I already know this. I still miss Andrew (thats depressing sorry.) But I finally went out and got a tanning package because i'm so ungodly white and its disgusting. I don't care if its winter, its just unattractive for me to be this white. Especially if I have to wear a cheerleading uniform. So I hope tomorrow goes by fast and then Friday should be a great day. I have to work which I don't mind because I need the hours, and then Saturday I have a date with Kristina. We are heading out to the mall which should be a great time. We'll more in likely try on prom dresses too. Which excites me because I can't wait for prom although I don't know the date or if its possible the boyfriend will be able to go with me. But I think it would be a lot of fun. I might have to get him somewhat tipsy but yeah it would be cool. Depending if his leg is better.. hmmmm
Well now that i've written a novel for you kids (your welcome sweetie!) I am going to call the boyfriend and head to bed. I'm so tired and sadly its only like what 9.