sun glow

[_flashing_out]

there was a noise outside my window. in my disheveled state, with curly undone blonde hair hanging in my face and eyes half open i was unable to identify it as the ambulance station next door. someone had started the ambulance. maybe they were going to save someone, or maybe they were just going to get coffee at the wawa around the corner and down delsea drive on the left. either way, they looked important. their steps were quick and calculated and their uniforms were crisp and starchy looking, but i was half awake, and unaware anyways. everyone is always unaware of something these days. there were pillow lines on my face that i saw in the mirror, and i laughed with a full heart. i was always one of those girls with a full heart. i laughed too loud and sang too loud and talked too much. they called me crazy, and i was, i really was. i spent fifth period on a thursday staring out the window thinking about my boyfriend and his cute green eyes and his warm hands. my teacher was a beautiful lady whose voice went in and out of my head and she knew. she could tell by my eyes and my smile and the pillow lines on my cheek that i was a girl with a full heart who knew too much and felt too much. i spent thursday night staring at the moon from the ground up with cold icy grass tickling my cheek and brisk winds tearing at my legs. my eyes would water and my blonde hair would be dishelveled, but it was all a secret. in my head i compared the shadows and the stars to specks on the linoleum of my bathroom floor that was all so familiar. i felt the eyes of 89 girls and boys who didnt know what it felt like to break and not bend all over again. just like the song, but reversed. my entire life was reversed, and in reverse. i took one step forward in order to fall ten steps backwards. id let dreams carry me through pages of books i read and melted into while i laid in wet ice cold grass that made me shake for all the wrong reasons. i poured desperation into a tall glass and drank her without one breath. i heard a noise behind me, and i saw the red lights flashing around and around. someone had started the ambulance. i wanted them to come save me, the red lights that is, but the two men with calculated looks and steps were probably going to get coffee or something, except for the tall one who would get tea. i was too tired to raise my voice, and so sick of my full heart. i needed someone to save me and they all drove right by.
everyone is always unaware of something these days.