ODE
That Sarah Siefken is Some Kinda Wonderful.
By Sarah Siefken
Once in a lifetime, you meet a woman that shatters your perception of yourself; a woman, so unique, that no word can describe her. Except unique. A woman so uplifting and spiritually fulfilling that the Pope has her personal cell phone number - on speed dial. “Whom,” you ask, “could possibly be this engaging and personally dynamic? Truly, could any one individual possess that much devastating appeal? Would be able to live, crushed beneath the weight of her own magnetism?” I say, “Yes.” And her name is Sarah Siefken.
Sarah Siefken was the daughter of two peasants in Soviet Russia, born on June 6th, 1974. Her childhood consisted of forced slave labor, Communist oppression, and soccer camp, mostly. Her parents were Russian Orthodox, and thus, were very anti-adoption. So, when Sarah and her secret teenage lover had to have an adoption because she couldn’t conceive, her parents were furious, and cast her into exile from the village.
Disowned by her parents, Sarah set off to make her fortune in the world. She made a living for a few years, doing odd jobs on the Russian coast. One day, however, as Sarah was drawing crude caricatures of the local fishermen to earn a few extra Rupees, she was spotted by a then-living Walt Disney, who was in the area to finalize the deal on a shipment of mail-order brides. Walt was quite taken with Sarah's drawing style, and decided to take her back to America in his entourage.
Upon arrival in the States, Sarah ditched Walt and set off to become an educated woman. She accomplished this by enrolling in Harvard, Yale, and Princeton simultaneously, and quadruple majoring in Economics, Ergonomics, Freakanomics, and Origami. Unsatisfied with her really big pile of degrees, Sarah set fire to them, and embarked on a quest to find a higher purpose than just earning degrees and money.
Coming back empty-handed, Sarah was made a Supreme Court justice, because, why not, you know? After a few months on the bench, the Supreme Court was embroiled in a game of pick up basketball with the San Antonio Spurs. Sarah was put in at point guard in the final minutes and proceeded to score literally thousands of points in mere minutes. Will Taylor, the coach of the Spurs, was impressed with Sarah's display of ability, and immediately offered her a contract. Sarah declined, however, in favor of a saucier offer.
Sarah had just been contacted by that young whippersnapper, Henry Ford. Henry convinced Sarah to go in on a business venture with him, manufacturing a little something called the “horseless carriage” using the “worker abuse line.” Sarah said she’d do it, moved to Detroit, and left her life of fame, money, and excess behind, acquiring in the process a life of much greater fame, money, and excess. Satisfied with tycoonery, Sarah remained a powerful figure on the forefront of international finance for years to come.
If this has not convinced you of this woman’s intense bravery, then you will surely enjoy these Fun Facts:
• Sarah Siefken possesses the world’s only know working lightsaber.
• Sarah Siefken controls 60% of the world’s oil, 73% of Hollywood, and 87% of all off-track betting.
• Sarah Siefken is single-handedly responsible for the entire American Revolution, including the Boston Tea Party.
• Sarah Siefken has citizenship in 3 different countries.
• Sarah Siefken has starred in a sitcom pilot with Ray Romano, which she supposedly is “not proud of.”
• Sarah Siefken is completely psychic and writes horoscopes for people as a parlor trick.
• Sarah Siefken can move individual atoms with her mind.
• Sarah Siefken has been to the moon.
• Sarah Siefken filled in for Dave Mustaine on the second leg of Megadeth’s 1981 tour.
As you can see, Sarah Siefken is truly someone we should admire and emulate. If only we could all live like Sarah Siefken did: a champion of Justice, a friend of Peace, and a princess among Men. To you, ma'am, my hat goes off: in your relentless spirit also resides the spirit of America.
Sarah Siefken, pictured above, enjoyed great celebrity, both at home and abroad
By Sarah Siefken
Once in a lifetime, you meet a woman that shatters your perception of yourself; a woman, so unique, that no word can describe her. Except unique. A woman so uplifting and spiritually fulfilling that the Pope has her personal cell phone number - on speed dial. “Whom,” you ask, “could possibly be this engaging and personally dynamic? Truly, could any one individual possess that much devastating appeal? Would be able to live, crushed beneath the weight of her own magnetism?” I say, “Yes.” And her name is Sarah Siefken.
Sarah Siefken was the daughter of two peasants in Soviet Russia, born on June 6th, 1974. Her childhood consisted of forced slave labor, Communist oppression, and soccer camp, mostly. Her parents were Russian Orthodox, and thus, were very anti-adoption. So, when Sarah and her secret teenage lover had to have an adoption because she couldn’t conceive, her parents were furious, and cast her into exile from the village.
Disowned by her parents, Sarah set off to make her fortune in the world. She made a living for a few years, doing odd jobs on the Russian coast. One day, however, as Sarah was drawing crude caricatures of the local fishermen to earn a few extra Rupees, she was spotted by a then-living Walt Disney, who was in the area to finalize the deal on a shipment of mail-order brides. Walt was quite taken with Sarah's drawing style, and decided to take her back to America in his entourage.
Upon arrival in the States, Sarah ditched Walt and set off to become an educated woman. She accomplished this by enrolling in Harvard, Yale, and Princeton simultaneously, and quadruple majoring in Economics, Ergonomics, Freakanomics, and Origami. Unsatisfied with her really big pile of degrees, Sarah set fire to them, and embarked on a quest to find a higher purpose than just earning degrees and money.
Coming back empty-handed, Sarah was made a Supreme Court justice, because, why not, you know? After a few months on the bench, the Supreme Court was embroiled in a game of pick up basketball with the San Antonio Spurs. Sarah was put in at point guard in the final minutes and proceeded to score literally thousands of points in mere minutes. Will Taylor, the coach of the Spurs, was impressed with Sarah's display of ability, and immediately offered her a contract. Sarah declined, however, in favor of a saucier offer.
Sarah had just been contacted by that young whippersnapper, Henry Ford. Henry convinced Sarah to go in on a business venture with him, manufacturing a little something called the “horseless carriage” using the “worker abuse line.” Sarah said she’d do it, moved to Detroit, and left her life of fame, money, and excess behind, acquiring in the process a life of much greater fame, money, and excess. Satisfied with tycoonery, Sarah remained a powerful figure on the forefront of international finance for years to come.
If this has not convinced you of this woman’s intense bravery, then you will surely enjoy these Fun Facts:
• Sarah Siefken possesses the world’s only know working lightsaber.
• Sarah Siefken controls 60% of the world’s oil, 73% of Hollywood, and 87% of all off-track betting.
• Sarah Siefken is single-handedly responsible for the entire American Revolution, including the Boston Tea Party.
• Sarah Siefken has citizenship in 3 different countries.
• Sarah Siefken has starred in a sitcom pilot with Ray Romano, which she supposedly is “not proud of.”
• Sarah Siefken is completely psychic and writes horoscopes for people as a parlor trick.
• Sarah Siefken can move individual atoms with her mind.
• Sarah Siefken has been to the moon.
• Sarah Siefken filled in for Dave Mustaine on the second leg of Megadeth’s 1981 tour.
As you can see, Sarah Siefken is truly someone we should admire and emulate. If only we could all live like Sarah Siefken did: a champion of Justice, a friend of Peace, and a princess among Men. To you, ma'am, my hat goes off: in your relentless spirit also resides the spirit of America.
Sarah Siefken, pictured above, enjoyed great celebrity, both at home and abroad