For forever and maybe even longer
It dropped off for eternity, and call me morbid, but for some reason I could see myself falling, for forever and maybe even longer. I felt the air rushing through me, my body cracking upon the many tiers of concrete in only a little less-than-bouncy fashion, flailing and falling some more, and then splattering at the bottom - all my blood gushing out of me.
All of it.
It near takes my breath away, still.
I had clung so tightly to my perch that the rough, tiny rocks made indents in my hand. And when Sean’s foot was only halfway on the ground, I ... did not feel safe at all until he had moved it back. You should know, I just shivered - here, typing in the security of my room. Me, shivering -uncontrollably, just for a second.
And with teeth clenched, and eyes as serious as I know how to make them…
I am still so scared.
For people who don’t get metaphors, what I am trying to convey has nothing exactly to do with a fear of heights, but it’s something else I am not willing to tell you about, because it’s mine still.
Only mine.
Fredrick Juan is so much more alive than me. He could tell you all about his love for Sam his starfish and how he’s looking for another otter to hold hands with, and how he is very glad to be saved from the awful pile of unwanted stuff in our Y. Yes, Fredrick Juan is so very alive, much more than me, and really, he’s only a stuffed animal.
There is something refreshing in hurting that will almost never make sense.
My own heart beats me up mercilessly; it slashes me senselessly, and all to put me in my place, again. and again, maybe that’s all I deserve.
I grieve
Over the tension between us, over how we don’t talk, over how you won’t forgive me. And it hardly even matters. Maybe time will make us different enough so it won’t matter at all, but right now, I wish it mattered to you, both of you.
I wonder
Why I let myself feel this time, (of all times!), and how you removed me from your heart so quickly, and what am I to do now? Shoot. I don’t even know.
I wish
You had not walked down there in the dark without me, that you had never tried all those things that only makes you weaker and scareder, and loster. I wish that you stopped making me cry for you, that I could keep you safe, so you’d know I would love you for always.
No matter what.
And with teeth clenched, and eyes as serious as I know how to make them…
I am still so scared.
God, what is all of this - why must you rearrange everything in my heart? Why must you honor my request to change me no matter what it takes? You could take everything that I love - everything.
What is this stupid faith all about? I am so desperate for some sort of flame, an explosion, a raging, gobbling monster, anything. Why don’t we even know what it means to love anymore? Or who God is? Why do we get to waiver? How come Fredrick Juan is more alive than the rest of us?
And here I am, too often too scared to even look down, and far too scared to leap to the next step, or even to crawl there.
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6,7
Be Overflowing with Thankfulness, Sara.
alright.
I am thankful for Fredrick Juan, for cheesecake, for Sister, for God’s grace - that he pursues me, for roses, for painting, and oh the many people I love - friends who listen, mm and strawberries, and music, and God’s Word, and family, and hurting, even hurting.
Oh, God I am so fragile and trying so hard to be strong and wise and more like you.
Sometimes I feel as if I am falling, for forever and maybe even longer,
but somehow you are always there, maybe that is all i need to know.
All of it.
It near takes my breath away, still.
I had clung so tightly to my perch that the rough, tiny rocks made indents in my hand. And when Sean’s foot was only halfway on the ground, I ... did not feel safe at all until he had moved it back. You should know, I just shivered - here, typing in the security of my room. Me, shivering -uncontrollably, just for a second.
And with teeth clenched, and eyes as serious as I know how to make them…
I am still so scared.
For people who don’t get metaphors, what I am trying to convey has nothing exactly to do with a fear of heights, but it’s something else I am not willing to tell you about, because it’s mine still.
Only mine.
Fredrick Juan is so much more alive than me. He could tell you all about his love for Sam his starfish and how he’s looking for another otter to hold hands with, and how he is very glad to be saved from the awful pile of unwanted stuff in our Y. Yes, Fredrick Juan is so very alive, much more than me, and really, he’s only a stuffed animal.
There is something refreshing in hurting that will almost never make sense.
My own heart beats me up mercilessly; it slashes me senselessly, and all to put me in my place, again. and again, maybe that’s all I deserve.
I grieve
Over the tension between us, over how we don’t talk, over how you won’t forgive me. And it hardly even matters. Maybe time will make us different enough so it won’t matter at all, but right now, I wish it mattered to you, both of you.
I wonder
Why I let myself feel this time, (of all times!), and how you removed me from your heart so quickly, and what am I to do now? Shoot. I don’t even know.
I wish
You had not walked down there in the dark without me, that you had never tried all those things that only makes you weaker and scareder, and loster. I wish that you stopped making me cry for you, that I could keep you safe, so you’d know I would love you for always.
No matter what.
And with teeth clenched, and eyes as serious as I know how to make them…
I am still so scared.
God, what is all of this - why must you rearrange everything in my heart? Why must you honor my request to change me no matter what it takes? You could take everything that I love - everything.
What is this stupid faith all about? I am so desperate for some sort of flame, an explosion, a raging, gobbling monster, anything. Why don’t we even know what it means to love anymore? Or who God is? Why do we get to waiver? How come Fredrick Juan is more alive than the rest of us?
And here I am, too often too scared to even look down, and far too scared to leap to the next step, or even to crawl there.
So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. Colossians 2:6,7
Be Overflowing with Thankfulness, Sara.
alright.
I am thankful for Fredrick Juan, for cheesecake, for Sister, for God’s grace - that he pursues me, for roses, for painting, and oh the many people I love - friends who listen, mm and strawberries, and music, and God’s Word, and family, and hurting, even hurting.
Oh, God I am so fragile and trying so hard to be strong and wise and more like you.
Sometimes I feel as if I am falling, for forever and maybe even longer,
but somehow you are always there, maybe that is all i need to know.