we've cut ourselves open a hundred times but we're not out of ammo yet
won't you help me out?
won't you please help me figure it all out?
i literally can't listen to anything but be your own pet. i'm not complaining.
i haven't written in over a year, but there's always something pulsing in me that occasionally compels me to write in this thing. this pulse was actually a dream i had last night. it freaked me the fuck out and caught me off-guard. the dream wasn't even the catalyst actually... for a long time i've been feeling.. i can't even think of the word. disappointed in i'm not sure what, anxious, restless. i'm doing the typical jamie thing where i have a million things to say but i can't verbalize them and i wouldn't know to who. so i'm sending it out to the internet.
i'll start with the dream, that's easy. it was in my old, old house. the house i was born in. (which i never dream about!) the fragments i remember involve a dinner party with a) some random college people, b) my parents, and c) my half siblings!?. the weirder part was that we were aware my dad was dead, yet he was still there just chilling. i guess he was a ghost. the weirder part was that my half brother was there, and my half brother ten years ago was there. we were also aware there were two of him. i don't really understand. i just specifically remember being appalled because i hadn't seen my half siblings since my dad's funeral. thus, me realizing this dream happened post-dad death. my half-assed analysis is me slowly realizing how few connections to my dad i have left. my grandma doesn't remember anyone, so that leaves my uncle and my half siblings. my mom and sister are on completely different emotional planes than i am. meaning, my sister doesn't talk. and my mom doesn't understand my pain. i've wanted to talk to my half brother for a while, and that's been plaguing me because i feel like we're both mature enough to have our own relationship on our own terms without all the bullshit that happened in the past. i'm just over it. i'm sick of it. i miss people too much. we got along really well and i feel like i'm gonna flip the fuck out if i can't find more people who knew my dad. i'm friends with him on facebook but i keep finding excuses not to message him. i'm just scared. scared of him rejecting me, scared he'll harbor old feelings, scared i'll hate him for hating my dad. i know my half sister is just off limits. she wouldn't let my dad walk her down the aisle. i don't think i'll ever get over that. i would do ANYTHING to have my dad walk me down the aisle. what a bitch.
aaaanyway. so yeah. weird dream. in other typical college news, i started doubting my major and freaking out about this summer. blah blah, my gpa was ruined (minor exaggeration) by econ and stat, i can't get an internship, i won't find a job, where am i even going to be this summer, i suck, etc etc. the money situation. my mom calling me every few days to update me on how much of her money she's losing. cool thanks mom can you just let me do my fucking anthro homework in peace. the money situation. being forced to live in a place i don't really want to live next year, not knowing whether to live off campus, not knowing if i'll finish my major if i go abroad. too many question marks and not enough confidence in anything to keep me afloat.
some positives: i started my job (although that causes other stress). i do love it though. i have a range of cute adorable kids from kindergarten to fifth grade. i prefer the older kids usually because they're smartasses and we can exchange wits. although there are some younger kids who are fucking too cute to live. i also think i like all my classes this semester, although it will be a lott of reading and papers. no mathy classes where i just do textbook problems and forget everything until the next class i attend. (+/-) and i love that i'm taking adolescence because it's just cementing my decision to work with kids and teens when i'm older. i relate to them so much. i mean, i still am an adolescent. i just think i'll always like them more than adults. anthropology of the body and philosophy of the mind are interesting because they both talk about the mind and body connection, but from completely different perspectives. it might get annoying, but i'm praying it won't.
small thing: i started watching queer as folk. addicting, but bad writing. the l word is much better. although i'm not complaining. there is sososo much hot sex in qaf. not complaining at all.
big thing: i'm reallllly aware this is going to sound so melodramatic. i totally admit it. but it's not unfounded! whenever i go outside and walk anywhere and it's fucking cold, i think about my whole college experience (and i can say a lot of my high school experience) and it leads me to believe i will be alone for a really long time. blah blah that's depressing yeah yeah. and i keep trying to think of like, big things about me that guys (or even girls, we'll see) would notice and be like, that's bad. i'm convinceddd there is a sign above my head that says undateable. did i make up that word? i don't care. i am still an angsty teenager even though i'm twenty fucking years old. and i'm absolutely convinced i will not find anything close to a boyfriend in college. i'm almost halfway through and nothing close has come up. and then in the real world, it's so much harder to meet people. i'm going to be celibate forever! seriously! some things that people don't like about me, i will not change because that's who i am. i guess it's too hopeful to think that i will eventually find something even close to love. i don't understand how that works because i know some horrible, horrible girls who find something. and i think i'm decently cool. it's obviously a different situation but doesn't make me feel less shitty. and i wouldn't mind as much if the world around me was on freeze frame. but no, as this continues, everyone else is evolving and having more great things happen and i feel like i will still be 15 when everyone else is 30 with multiple long-term relationships under their belt. i know i am completely capable of being in one, but that doesn't make up for the lack of experience. almost everyone i've liked in college has become one of my best friends. best friends, great friends, good friends, so many friends. i have enough friends. i'm fucking sick of friends. i'm not even, like, hoping for a long-term thing right now. even a get drunk and make a mistake thing would be alright with me. every single person i know in college, aside from one friend, ONE, has at least had a mistake hookup. i should be less picky. but i don't want to be!
ugh that was the worst paragraph ever. i can't do it anymore. i'm going crazy. in so many ways! and ssis isn't helping cause a majority of the people in it are in relationships, and being in ssis has been awesome in helping me learn everything and anything relating to sex. but it just makes me horny! i lost my vibrator and even if i didn't, i'm just sick of being alone in my bed. i am alone.
my brain is on fire, my brain is on fire. i bet jemina pearl gets fucked all the time. either that or she's dating someone really fucking cool.
+edit// i just re-read my whole livejournal. i realized that as much as i mature as the years go on, there will always be those few people that can make me feel insecure and embarrassed. i revert back to my ninth grade personality in those rare instances, and i don't know if that uncertainty will ever go away.
won't you please help me figure it all out?
i literally can't listen to anything but be your own pet. i'm not complaining.
i haven't written in over a year, but there's always something pulsing in me that occasionally compels me to write in this thing. this pulse was actually a dream i had last night. it freaked me the fuck out and caught me off-guard. the dream wasn't even the catalyst actually... for a long time i've been feeling.. i can't even think of the word. disappointed in i'm not sure what, anxious, restless. i'm doing the typical jamie thing where i have a million things to say but i can't verbalize them and i wouldn't know to who. so i'm sending it out to the internet.
i'll start with the dream, that's easy. it was in my old, old house. the house i was born in. (which i never dream about!) the fragments i remember involve a dinner party with a) some random college people, b) my parents, and c) my half siblings!?. the weirder part was that we were aware my dad was dead, yet he was still there just chilling. i guess he was a ghost. the weirder part was that my half brother was there, and my half brother ten years ago was there. we were also aware there were two of him. i don't really understand. i just specifically remember being appalled because i hadn't seen my half siblings since my dad's funeral. thus, me realizing this dream happened post-dad death. my half-assed analysis is me slowly realizing how few connections to my dad i have left. my grandma doesn't remember anyone, so that leaves my uncle and my half siblings. my mom and sister are on completely different emotional planes than i am. meaning, my sister doesn't talk. and my mom doesn't understand my pain. i've wanted to talk to my half brother for a while, and that's been plaguing me because i feel like we're both mature enough to have our own relationship on our own terms without all the bullshit that happened in the past. i'm just over it. i'm sick of it. i miss people too much. we got along really well and i feel like i'm gonna flip the fuck out if i can't find more people who knew my dad. i'm friends with him on facebook but i keep finding excuses not to message him. i'm just scared. scared of him rejecting me, scared he'll harbor old feelings, scared i'll hate him for hating my dad. i know my half sister is just off limits. she wouldn't let my dad walk her down the aisle. i don't think i'll ever get over that. i would do ANYTHING to have my dad walk me down the aisle. what a bitch.
aaaanyway. so yeah. weird dream. in other typical college news, i started doubting my major and freaking out about this summer. blah blah, my gpa was ruined (minor exaggeration) by econ and stat, i can't get an internship, i won't find a job, where am i even going to be this summer, i suck, etc etc. the money situation. my mom calling me every few days to update me on how much of her money she's losing. cool thanks mom can you just let me do my fucking anthro homework in peace. the money situation. being forced to live in a place i don't really want to live next year, not knowing whether to live off campus, not knowing if i'll finish my major if i go abroad. too many question marks and not enough confidence in anything to keep me afloat.
some positives: i started my job (although that causes other stress). i do love it though. i have a range of cute adorable kids from kindergarten to fifth grade. i prefer the older kids usually because they're smartasses and we can exchange wits. although there are some younger kids who are fucking too cute to live. i also think i like all my classes this semester, although it will be a lott of reading and papers. no mathy classes where i just do textbook problems and forget everything until the next class i attend. (+/-) and i love that i'm taking adolescence because it's just cementing my decision to work with kids and teens when i'm older. i relate to them so much. i mean, i still am an adolescent. i just think i'll always like them more than adults. anthropology of the body and philosophy of the mind are interesting because they both talk about the mind and body connection, but from completely different perspectives. it might get annoying, but i'm praying it won't.
small thing: i started watching queer as folk. addicting, but bad writing. the l word is much better. although i'm not complaining. there is sososo much hot sex in qaf. not complaining at all.
big thing: i'm reallllly aware this is going to sound so melodramatic. i totally admit it. but it's not unfounded! whenever i go outside and walk anywhere and it's fucking cold, i think about my whole college experience (and i can say a lot of my high school experience) and it leads me to believe i will be alone for a really long time. blah blah that's depressing yeah yeah. and i keep trying to think of like, big things about me that guys (or even girls, we'll see) would notice and be like, that's bad. i'm convinceddd there is a sign above my head that says undateable. did i make up that word? i don't care. i am still an angsty teenager even though i'm twenty fucking years old. and i'm absolutely convinced i will not find anything close to a boyfriend in college. i'm almost halfway through and nothing close has come up. and then in the real world, it's so much harder to meet people. i'm going to be celibate forever! seriously! some things that people don't like about me, i will not change because that's who i am. i guess it's too hopeful to think that i will eventually find something even close to love. i don't understand how that works because i know some horrible, horrible girls who find something. and i think i'm decently cool. it's obviously a different situation but doesn't make me feel less shitty. and i wouldn't mind as much if the world around me was on freeze frame. but no, as this continues, everyone else is evolving and having more great things happen and i feel like i will still be 15 when everyone else is 30 with multiple long-term relationships under their belt. i know i am completely capable of being in one, but that doesn't make up for the lack of experience. almost everyone i've liked in college has become one of my best friends. best friends, great friends, good friends, so many friends. i have enough friends. i'm fucking sick of friends. i'm not even, like, hoping for a long-term thing right now. even a get drunk and make a mistake thing would be alright with me. every single person i know in college, aside from one friend, ONE, has at least had a mistake hookup. i should be less picky. but i don't want to be!
ugh that was the worst paragraph ever. i can't do it anymore. i'm going crazy. in so many ways! and ssis isn't helping cause a majority of the people in it are in relationships, and being in ssis has been awesome in helping me learn everything and anything relating to sex. but it just makes me horny! i lost my vibrator and even if i didn't, i'm just sick of being alone in my bed. i am alone.
my brain is on fire, my brain is on fire. i bet jemina pearl gets fucked all the time. either that or she's dating someone really fucking cool.
+edit// i just re-read my whole livejournal. i realized that as much as i mature as the years go on, there will always be those few people that can make me feel insecure and embarrassed. i revert back to my ninth grade personality in those rare instances, and i don't know if that uncertainty will ever go away.