Day 9
For some reason I can't stop watching comedy. I mean I will take anything in any form. I just want to laugh, I need to laugh otherwise I will go insane. I need to keep busy, I need to set goals and I need to laugh. When I laugh I know that I am alive. I have been existing on water, stale crackers and music. It's always in that moment that you believe it is getting easier that it gets so much harder.
There are so many questions that are floating around in my head, but they are questions that will never be asked. Everything is in his hands. He knows how I feel. I loved him with all my heart and he knows exactly how I feel. There is nothing more that I can do except try to pick up the pieces of what is left of my hopes and dreams. If I can't focus on my dreams without throwing up, then I will set small goals. I will go to my driving classes. I will complete the homework. I will do work everyday. I will learn to drive, gradually. I will laugh.
I had asked people on Reddit for advice when this whole thing happened and I got a lot of great advice. One is that toast will become my best friend, which is beginning to happen. Another is that I shouldn't go out and get drunk constantly, which is such good advice. I want to deal with this all with a sober mind. I need to grow from this, I just have no idea what I have learned from it all. I loved someone with all my heart, but it wasn't enough... what could I possibly learn from this? I just hope that he will actually sit down one day and think about how things could have been and not see it as dismal, but as something that could have been very fulfilling. One piece of advice that was given, to not listen to sad music, has been to hard to avoid.
"You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved" -Death Cab for Cutie
There are so many questions that are floating around in my head, but they are questions that will never be asked. Everything is in his hands. He knows how I feel. I loved him with all my heart and he knows exactly how I feel. There is nothing more that I can do except try to pick up the pieces of what is left of my hopes and dreams. If I can't focus on my dreams without throwing up, then I will set small goals. I will go to my driving classes. I will complete the homework. I will do work everyday. I will learn to drive, gradually. I will laugh.
I had asked people on Reddit for advice when this whole thing happened and I got a lot of great advice. One is that toast will become my best friend, which is beginning to happen. Another is that I shouldn't go out and get drunk constantly, which is such good advice. I want to deal with this all with a sober mind. I need to grow from this, I just have no idea what I have learned from it all. I loved someone with all my heart, but it wasn't enough... what could I possibly learn from this? I just hope that he will actually sit down one day and think about how things could have been and not see it as dismal, but as something that could have been very fulfilling. One piece of advice that was given, to not listen to sad music, has been to hard to avoid.
"You may feel alone when you're falling asleep
And everytime tears roll down your cheeks
But I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet
Someday you will be loved
You'll be loved you'll be loved
Like you never have known
The memories of me
Will seem more like bad dreams
Just a series of blurs
Like I never occurred
Someday you will be loved" -Death Cab for Cutie