The root
I suppose it now works to my benefit that no one reads this anymore. I can explain why I get so jealous, as I have with all previous and current boyfriends. I hesitated to tell any of them because well they are men. They will then think any problem I have will be with this root. Which isn't always the case. Here it goes.
Before I started dating I managed to screw up both my sister and myself. Changing our lives enitrely all because I didn't speak up. Now I can't shut up, and when I do it feels like I am suffocating.
When I see a boyfriend with another girl or hear about it, I automatically think they are better than me. I can never understand why men fall in love with me. I will never think I am good enough, so I always end up thinking that everyone else stands a chance. Because why would anyone want to be with someone like me? I am beginning to think it's impossible for me to be comfortably in love. I am so convinced that he is always looking for something better because it's always so available. This doesn't mean that I have never had a justifiable moment of jealousy, this is just why the majority of it starts.. I think.
I am threatened by most single women because if they hit on a taken guy, they have nothing to lose. I do. I just have to wait for the guy to realize how pathetic I am or that so many people are better, then that's it.
Instead of fighting or bitching about my jealousy I need someone to make me feel better about me. Not saying "I only love you", because so many have said that and left. I just need to hear someone say "no matter how much you hate yourself, I think you are amazing" just something to recognize how much I struggling. How much I have been struggling with this all. Someone to make me feel better than all those amazing women who have nohing to hide. I always had someone telling me that I didn't deserve anything that I had. I ruined lives so why should I be able to enjoy my own? I remember my confirmation, and asking why my father wouldn't come and getting told about how badly I screwed up so many years ago and how nothing I do should be celebrated. And hey, I suppose I adopted this mentality. Why should I be able to enjoy something, it's all a sham. Other people will always deserve more than me. There will always be better.
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